i cant cope with ds1 anymore

[divastrop]

he is driving me insane.all he ever does is whinge,hes been like this since i can remember.he doesnt know when to stop.he has a hissy fit if i so much as ask him to take a cup out to the kitchen.he is aggressive as well,towards his younger sisiter and his 3 year old brother.he talks to me and dp like we are his slaves and we should do everything he tells us.
last year one of his taechers was concerned about him and suggested he be reffered to the child psychology service as she though he showed some signs of asd.his first appointment was on wednesday but all the psych wanted to know about was his abusive father and my previous relationships.so all they aregoing to do is blame his upbringing for the way he is,which is probably the reason but ive tried so hard with him.ive been on parenting courses through sure start and tried different types of dicipline etc but nothing makes a blind bit of difference.
now ds2 is starting to copy his behaviour,which i so dont want.
im at my wits end now.i am starting to dread weekends with him at home.

Sorry to hear this - it's tough! You don't say how old he is? Maybe you should give the child psych service a chance.

Had similar with ds2, who has abusive father too (though abuse was directed at me, never the kids), and it went on for years. Wish I'd known more about long-term impact on kids of living in home with abusive parent/domestic violence, even when very young, and done something much sooner. ds2 was 6 when we left and difficult behaviour showed up later, even though we'd moved somewhere safe, secure and with a very good life.

i have passed similar steps divastrop.
had been to parenting courses and having contacts with referral unit.
am thinking about some omega-3 oils.
got some info about morepa from school, but it seemed expensive to me. i would like to find a cheaper version of it from shops not from internet.

How old is ds1 my dd is pretty much like that she thinks she can tell me what to do and expects me to do everything and will only do things on her terms

he will be 9 in january.his father was only abusive to me,we split up when ds1 was 3 but he continued to see his father untill erlier this year.
my dd1 who is nearly 8 can be a stroppy little madam but to the extent i would consider normal for her age.
i think ds1 has started to get picked on at school now cos the other kids have realised he will get angry and they think its funny.
ive tried talking to him but he blames everyone else,eg.'(dd1) made me hit her cos she was annoying me'.he reminds me of his father im sad to say

Yes that happened to my dd at school she doesnt seem to be able to control her anger and also blames it on everyone else im not sure if she doesnt do it because she gets attention what do you think Diva

I have no advice or experience but couldn't pass your thread by without saying something. Feel for you, sounds like a very distressing situation. Hope the ed psych can come up with something. Sounds like they just wanted to establish background before developing some sort of plan to help you.

Given I don't know the first thing about this, I'm probaby talking out of my behind here, but when you say you've tried different sorts of discipline, could that mean he thinks when you try a technique that it will just go away if he ignores it? Would it be worth choosing one method and just sticking to it through hell or high water? Combined with spending some 1-1 time with him and giving him positive attention for anything he does do that's OK?

edam-i have stuck to the same types of diciploine for 2 years now and havent changed them.i have 3 other children so 1-1 time is difficult,but i do spend some time in the evening with him when the lo's are in bed.he was doing really well before the summer holidays,he tried really hard and dp and i made a big fuss of him and kept telling him how well he was doing etc(not in such a patronising way as that sounded though!!!)but he went back to his old ways during the summer.
runkid-my dd1 is an attention seeker but she doesnt have the problem with her temper.with ds1 its like he doesnt know how to get control of himself atall and it must be the fault of whoever he is angry with

Hi Diva,

It seems like whatever you were doing before the summer was working, so whatever it was, try doing more of that!

My ds2 used to remind me of his father too - mainly the things I'd much rather not have been reminded of, and I don't think this helped me handle things well at all. On the advice of a very good friend I wrote out a list of 30 things I liked about my son and stuck it up somewhere I could see it on a daily basis - it helped me keep a balanced view in those moments when I was close to the limits of my tolerance

I don't think Ed Psych will be looking to blame anyone - they just need to establish what's going on and the context, in order to determine what will work best.

In the meantime, I hope you're taking some time to look after yourself in between looking after the rest of your family.

My stepfather was physically abusive to my mother and emotionally abusive to everyone in my family. My brothers and I all have anxiety disorders as a result and my older brother and I suffer with depression.

You may feel like you were the only one suffering at the hands of your abusive partner, but let me assure you, you weren't.

You have to acknowledge that your partner's abusive behaviour will have negatively affected your childs behaviour and take responsibility for your part in it before your son can move on.

I know it feels to you like you're being "blamed", but what's more important- your son overcoming his behaviour problems or your pride?

yes but i feel i am to blame ,it was me who got involved in 2 abusive relationships after all.it was me who brought my son onto this world.and believe me,my pride f*kd off years ago.i never said i was the only one who suffered,just the only one who got hit and kicked etc.i am well aware the abuse will have had an effect on ds1 ,i am not that ignorant.

webcrone-i like the list idea,it is hard to focus on his good points when im finding it hard work with him.

will the psych be able to help if his problems are related to his early childhood,then?i thought it was purely to establish whether there is anything'wrong' with him and that would be the end of it.i didnt think they would suggest or offer ways to help him.

Hi Diva,

I understand about feeling the burden of blame, but be gentle with yourself and let it go - you are not who you were then and beating yourself up about it will do no good - there is nothing to forgive.

What is done is done and there is nothing you can do to change that. What is happening here and now you can change, and it's a hell of a lot easier to support and mold a troubled 8 year old than it is to do the same with a troubled 15 or 16 year old.

Don't know much about how Ed Psych work but surely once they've done the report they have a duty of care to come up with some plan of action or at least discuss the available options with you? Might be worth asking them? Or maybe someone else can chip in?

hi divastrop,
the psych we meeting seems very helpful really.
and other than that i searched for fish oils and ordered for eskimo oil for my dd, i hope it will help.
dont blame yourself for anything. you doing yr best on your circumstances.
the abusive relationships are the results of our up bringing maybe. but on my side i am very careful about this for the future.

Don't let anyone drag you down about this because guilt is a waste of precious energy and won't help you to cope! Be confident that you can help your son. If you don't feel confident PRETEND you are until it starts to become the reality. Where there's a will there's a way!

Diva - I agree there is no point in blamimg yourself here. You did the right thing in the past, which is get yourself out of the abusive relationship, for your sanity and your children's sake.

I think its really unfortunate that the Ed Psych has asked all sorts of intrusive questions, which may or may not have a bearing on DS's behaviour now, but the net effect has been to make you feel worse. If your ex's appalling behaviour has influenced DS, it is NOT your fault. You have done the right thing and are doing your best for DS by taing him to see the Ed Psych etc.

Have you another meeting planned? - it may be worth while preparing some questions for the Ed Psych, so it not one way traffic so to speak. E.g. you could ask, "do you think DS's dad's behaviour has an influence on DS now?" If that's the case, he may be able to advise on strategies to minimise DS's influence now etc.

Most of all though, don't blame yourself - you have enough to deal with in getting to the root of DS's behaviour, without feeling its all your fault.

i dont think the phsychologist was doing anything other than his job really,its just i still blame myself for everything,and feel that ive got to fix it all,and that people who are trying to 'help' are actually secretly judging me.
i suppose that is because of my upbringing and having a mother who told me it was my fault when i got bullied at school.
sorry i know it sounds like im just wallowing in self pity when i should be helping my son but i just needed to rant last night cos i was at the end of my tether and im worried dp will leave cos hes had enough.

Diva, I too have a mother who blames me for everything that ever went wrong in my life.
It was my fault if I got ill for example.
If you have a mother like that you grow up thinking you are crap, worthless and that everything is your fault because that is what you have been bullied in believing and it is a very, very hard thought patteren to break. I fight with it everyday and I am very, very slowly making headway.
We will all have a negative effect on our children in some way, it is unavoidable. I have a child, my second who has always been extremely difficult to handle.
I was depressed and so not connected with him after he was born and for years afterwards. I blame his awkward attention seeking behaviour and whining on the 'neglect' I feel he suffered at my hands all those years. Maybe that's true, maybe not. If it's true then that's not great, but I am human as are you and we are not perfect. There is no point in blaming youself,blaming yourself won't make it better and it will make you less effective in causing a positive change.
Even if it IS true that you have been instumental in causing this.( I don't believe it is btw, but what I think is not the issue. It is only what you think and believe that counts here.) What matters is that you are trying to make him a happier child and you are trying damn hard by the sounds of it.
Diva the road is going to be a rocky one, the fact that you are on it at all says everything to me.
And for heaven's sake READ THAT BOOK it has helped me so enormously already I can't begin to tell you. I have stopped blaming myself for everything that goes on.

cheers kitty.
i am reading that book,im about halfway through now,but it took a while to get into it cos i was finding concentration impossible the apst few weeks.
i have always felt an enormous sense of guilt when it comes to ds1,like ive never done anything right.his birth was awful,i got depressed,i failed at breastfeeding,i failed to protect him from seeing his father beat holy s*t out of me..and to top it all i went and had another baby before he was even 1.
the thing is,i cant go back in time and change those things.i can only try and do whats best for him now

Diva

I was in an abusive relationship for about 18 months when I was 23/24. Luckily we didn't have any children or a I hate to think how he would have abused them (turned out he liked me because I "looked about 16" ).

Anyhow, when I look back on this period and analyse why I was in an abusive relationship, I think it was because I had such low self esteem. At the time I felt I was to blame for everything and I think I almost had to go though having someone really treat me like shit - to realise that actually I wasn't shit - if that makes sense at all. The reason I had such low self esteem was because, my whole life, my Mum kept telling me I was crap. Her view - often stated out loud to us and to friends and family - was that I was the least attractive and least bright child in the family; also I was "too tall" and the quietest and most passive one, so she just dumped on me a lot - gave me all the worst chores - even sat me in the back of our estate car like a dog. Then she kicked me out when I was 17, although my siblings were all allowed to remain at home.

The reason I'm telling you this is I really want you to understand that being in that abusive relationship wasn't your fault. You probably had low self esteem and that's not your fault either. But the important thing is you got out of it; to minimalise the damage to your children. Now you're doing your best for them and clearly care loads about DS1 or you wouldn't be worrying about him now. Don't beat yourself up about it - look to the future. DS's behaviour is being analysed and addressed now, so you can focus on the positives.

ps I'd like to read that book too - what is it called?

That's right Diva, that's all you can do. starting to build up your own self confidence and realise that guilt isn't helpful. You need to accept/ not accept things then move on.