Coping with disappointment at the way life has turned out

[JavelinArse]

How do people do it? I cope fairly well but now and again (several times a month) I just feel so overwhelmed with the shockingly bad decisions that I have made in life. I want to run away and leave everything behind. Except I can't.

I hate being a mother, I don't get any joy from it, we have nice moments now and again but over all I don't like having children, resent the overwhelming responsibility of it all and wish that there was some way out. My children are 9 and 6 years old, I'm on my own with them, I have good family support but couldn't see myself walking away as I know it would be very damaging for them (and would put huge strain on the people left looking after them).

I have made shockingly bad choices and should never have had children. They are well looked after but can probably see through my performance, they behave quite badly when we are out and argue constantly, I think this behaviour is rooted in insecurity (surely they can tell that I actually can't stand being their mother, children are supposedly very intuitive?).

How the hell do people cope with these feelings? It's impossible to speak to people about feeling like this because it's so taboo.

Hi,

I am sorry that I don't have any useful advice for you, or be able to answer your questions but I just wanted to say it sounds like a tough situation you are in and I hope someone comes along soon with some good advice.

Javelin have you always felt like having your children was a mistake or is this a fairly new mindset?

A very good friend of mine felt as you do. The difference is that she handed her child over to her parents to bring him up. Sadly, they died and he was left with little support and never forgave his mother for abandoning him.

I think it's important to air such views because parenting and the ideal presented by mainstream society is too one sided and such conversations ought not be taboo. Yes, you are correct children do pick up on the stresses and anxieties of their parents.

I admire you for not abandoning your children and hope that your situation improves somehow.

I agree that your children will be picking up on this in a multitude of ways. I do feel very sorry that you feel trapped, and I do understand regrets. The thing is, you did have your children. They didn't ask to be in this position, you created it.

It doesn't matter whether the thing that you feel changed your life for the worse was a chance event or a bad decision, either way you have to make the best of it. I definitely think you're right to talk about this, the feelings will only get worse if you don't.

When you think of running away, is it just the idea of 'escape' and freedom, or is there something specific you want to be doing? Also, if you had to say the positive things about having your children (now and potentially in the future) or what you'd lose if you didn't have them...what would you feel they might be?

Thanks for the replies.

Sunday was a very low point for me.

I am fairly sure that I wouldn't ever walk away from my children, the fall out would be so awful for them that I don't think I could live with myself. I feel better today, the weekend felt bloody awful but I generally function fairly well on a day to day basis, no one knows that I feel the way that I do.

I have always struggled with being a mother and have had a sense of regret for maybe the last year or two?

Positives about having children? I feel very proud of their achievements and when they do things well. I don't know really, we do have some lovely times together but god it's just such hard work all of the time, I suppose I just never knew that it would be like this, always.