Mum dealing with nephew - we don't know what to do

[CheeseEqualsHappiness]

My cousin is in his 30s and is living with my mum at the moment. She took him in as our grandad died and he took it badly as it coincided with a relationship breakup and his mum kicking him out.

He is an alcoholic/alcohol abuser (not sure which) and possibly bi polar (his mum says he was assessed but he takes no meds) He holds down a job when he has one and is a lovely person when he is not drinking, although he is in denial about anything he does and what is his fault. He is manic, ups very up, downs very down.

We had no idea he was this bad when she took him in but have since found out this is why his mum kicked him out and he has been like this for at least 5 years. She also says he is aggressive although we haven't seen it. My mum does say that he is scary when he is drunk but he has never laid a finger on her or been intimidating, it's just that he is quite big (builder, very fit) and when he gets cross she is scared.

The problem we have is that he is destroying my mums house and she constantly finds him passed out, sobbing, angry, talking incessantly on the phone to her. He breaks things, his room is a tip and stinks, he wees everywhere.

He says he is lonely and we really really want to help him but we can't. We don't know where to turn. My mum can't take any more, it is destroying her. We love him but he has burnt all his bridges - his mum and dad won't help - and we don't want to kick him out as we don't know where he will go.

Are there services out there we can access? He won't agree to it so I wondered if there was anyone I could call who could help us. He is going to kill himself soon with alcohol. He is in complete denial and doesn't have any respect for our things, emotions, himself.

He is so so funny and charismatic when he is sober and healthy but he is so low today. He has been crying all day, sobbing, rivers of tears, for his mum but she won't come. He is broken. How can we help?

Thanks all

Wow that sounds really tough. He really needs assessed to see if he would benefit from an inpatient hospital stay. There should be a crisis mental health phone number for your area or perhaps call adult social services for help?

Thank you. My mum is concerned about me doing this as he will resist but I said they are professionals and know what they are doing. I think I will call the crisis number and have a chat tomorrow.

The thing I hate is he is so up and down that if they turn up when he is up they will think I am making it up

Can this happen without his consent? The call I mean

No real advice here but just wanted to say how lovely you and your mum sound, and how wonderful that you have given this man a home for 5 years. Life is just cruel, isn't it?

He can self refer to social services [[http://www.leics.gov.uk/index/social_services/asc_support/asc_general_info/asc_getting_support/asc_self_referral.htm link here for our local council). Just google Social Services Self Referral. He probably qualifies as a vulnerable adult. He may be lucky and get a sympathetic social worker who can help him to access support. At the very least it may give you a focus for taking him to the GP to see if you can get a diagnosis.

Ultimately it will be up to him - how far he wants to access the help which may be available. You cannot make someone accept help/medication/detox/whatever. However, the fact that your mum has cared for him so long, and that someone professiona may care enough to come out and visit him for a home assessment, might remind him that he is worth it, that people do care for him and are trying to help him. It's worth a try.

If you are concerned enough for his and/or your mum's safety then you have to get services involved regardless of his consent.

I agree we are out of our depth. She is on her way home now and will call me and update on what she finds.

I am ready to call 999 and ask for the crisis team. Mum and Nan think I am wrong but he has been on the phone to my sister saying he doesn't think life is worth living and is laying in the back room looking at the curtains.

That is tricky. Has he been with your mum for 5 years or just moved in recently? I have had experience of this lately with my son although he wasn't as destructive as your cousin. I was told he wouldn't be sectioned, and that there was little mental health services would do while he was drinking. (He did have an assessment but aftercare was to be through alcohol services, which he dropped out of). What did help was having a carer's assessment for myself (through GP surgery) and having help from local carers' services, and going to Al -Anon meetings. Also calling ambulance/police if needed in specific situations. It was hell (he is currently not drinking, after a spell in hospital), and it's true that you can't make them get help. I would say get as much help as you can for the carers and family, things may well change then anyway. Your mum may decide she can no longer have him in her home. I was close to this with my son but he would not have been housed, the LA just said they could provide him with a list of landlords they worked with for private renting. I hope things turn around for your family; don't lose hope, situations do change.

Well, it looks like it has all come to a head. Thanks for all your messages and advice. My mum had to be brutal and kick him out. We have no idea if he is suffering with his mental health or not but she found cocaine on the fireplace and he wet himself all over her sofa which has gone right through and she has had to throw it away. He has drunk 10 bottles of vodka in as many days and these are just the ones she has found.

This week he has also put his fist through his bedroom door, broken the tumble dryer and smashed a plug socket in the kitchen through punching it.

We don't know where he is sleeping tonight but she told him to get lost and never come back. She is at the end of her tether and I am worried about him and her. It is so cold outside and he may be sleeping rough.

I don't know whether to just send him a text asking if he is ok