I really don't know where to turn, I've reached the end of my tether and I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I've suffered from depression for as far back as I can remember, I was abused as a child and frequently told I should have been aborted.I was a painfully shy child with no confidence and found it difficult to make friends and form relationships.Eventually I met DP, we married and had two beautiful children and for the first time in my life I found true happiness and security.Family life was wonderful and I devoted myself entirely to being a mum,DH went out to work, I stayed at home, money was tight but we couldnt have been happier.
When our DD became an adolescent, she really hit the skids, and by the time she was 16, she was taking drugs, being extremely promiscuous and just seemed to be hellbent on destroying herself. We did all we could to get on her on the straight and narrow, we loved and supported her and eventually got her back on track,but by my own admission , petrified she would relapse, I quizzed her constantly about her whereabouts and probably stifled her to such a degree she hated me. Without warning at the age of 18, she left to live with her partner.She told me she loathed me and would no longer have any contact whatsoever with me, and my life crumbled.
Me DH and DS struggled to adjust to life without her, but she made it clear thats how she wanted it to be. I tried to make contact so many times but was greeted with silence.
I made it clear she knew where we were if she changed her mind, but four years on, the story remains the same.
Recently, DS left home to go to uni, and I have to admit, I'm really sruggling with life.I feel so empty and without purpose, and my depression which i've had since my teens is absolutely crippling.
About three weeks back, I saw an ad for an online gambling site, and stupidly signed up.I've never previously gambled before my entire life, but I had a code for a free bet so I thought Why not?
Within about twenty minutes or so, I was thirty pound down, and ridiculously I threw good money after bad, and before I knew it I was £200 down.This was money we'd saved, we have an issue with really bad ricketty old windows, and had been setting money aside every month to get them replaced.I quit before I lost anymore cash, but then DH started asking questions about how he hadnt seen the bank statement this month. I look after the finances, ironically because i'm so good at budgeting , I look after the cash card, make sure the bills are paid, direct debits are covered, everything, he just has an occasional look at the bank statement and thats that, but he kept mentioning the statement, and in a blind panic, i logged onto to the betting site, hellbent on recouping the cash. I was in a blind panic, and my mind was all over the place, to cut a long story short I ended up losing over a thousand pound, every penny of the money we'd worked so hard to save for the windows.
I have never felt so low in my entire life, I was gullible, pathetic, reckless and stupid beyond words, and I loathe myself. I'm still reeling from what I've done and I can barely function, I can't eat or sleep, and I'm in a state of panic about my husband finding out.
I called Gamcare, the gambling helpline straight away and they were brilliant, I have barred myself from the gambling site , but I don't know where to turn. I can't lie, my DH is a good man, but in the past he has been violent towards me,he gave me a black eye in the past and bit my hand so hard I couldnt open or close it properly for weeks ,its not happened for a long time, but he has a terrible temper , and although its rarely seen, I'm pretty sure when he finds out what i've done he will absolutely lose control.
I'm fighting a losing battle right now, everything has turned to shit, and theres no way to rectify it, I'm considering walking out, what other option do I have? I dont expect your sympathy, I don't deserve it, I had a lapse of reason, me, the most penny pinching Mrs Scrooge youve ever met, and I blew over a grand in just over an hour, I don't know where to turn, I've never so low and so frightened, please help, this is all too much.