I'm so up and down, have been for ages tbh. A few weeks ago I went through one of my really bad periods - one minute my fiancé and I were taking a nice walk in the park, next minute we were arguing over how he never mentions our wedding despite the fact there's nothing to sort out atm. It was a really stupid argument and completely spiralled out of control, I ended up storming off and working myself up into such a state that I felt like I'd be better off not being here and just wanted to top myself. But then I calmed down just a few hrs later and it was as if the whole argument and suicidal mood hadn't happened. This happens quite often, though not quite to the same extreme. Last night we had an argument again for a stupid reason and I worked myself up into a suicidal state again, though not as bad as a few weeks ago. Thing is, I know it's mostly my fault with the arguments, not DP's. I just flip for such small reasons and can't control my anger, it's terrifying.
It's like one minute I love him to bits and can't wait until our wedding next year, next minute I couldn't care less and just want him to go. Part of me thinks I'm scared of losing him so it'd be easier if I pushed him away, but at same time I don't want him to go. Gah, that probably makes no sense.
I'm up and down in general too. One minute I love my job, next minute I think what the heck am I doing, I just want out even though I worked damn hard to get here and got through some really tough times to make it to a position I've wanted to be in for such a long time.
There are other things too but my head is like mush at the moment and I can't think. I don't know what I want anyone to say, I don't suppose there is anything people can say, I just need to talk about things and don't feel like I can talk to people in real life. Been to docs and he put me on sertraline but tbh I don't think I'm just depressed.