I am not sure why I am posting here, I'm quite positive I'm not depressed, as such - or rather I am, but it's caused by life events rather than by a chemical imbalance. Please, please, don't try to persuade me to take medication or see my GP, as I really don't want to do either of those things.
Basically, I feel as if I have ruined my life in so many little ways - there's not really one big thing I can look to and say "there, that is the problem."
I had VERY "big" expectations of me as a child and adolescent in the way I looked and acted from my parents, but especially my mum, and when I didn't meet them, which was most of the time, she would just launch into these verbal attacks on me that, while I didn't realise at the time (because it was normal) tore my confidence to shreds. It was like two things were going on in our house - I was beautiful and intelligent and talented, but I wasn't "using" it properly. I was beautiful, but I was wasting it through gaining weight or wearing stupid clothes or makeup. I was intelligent, but lazy. I was talented, but not using my talents. Both parents made a massive issue out of my weight - pardon the pun - to the point where I didn't dare eat in front of them.
My mum died when I was sixteen. My dad lost interest in "family life" and moved out to live with another woman. Contact was sporadic after that and I felt completely abandoned. I did gain a lot of weight then, I also ran up debts that I couldn't pay, as I didn't understand money or how things worked. So my credit rating is still crap.
I'm jumping around loads here but essentially when I left full time education at 21, and started work as a teacher, I had few friends: I'd been bullied mercilessly at school, and at university probably wasn't if I'm totally honest a very likeable or approachable person. I was four stone overweight and I was more like a thirteen year old than a twenty one/twenty two year old.
Anyway, I've changed a LOT since then. I lost weight that year and started dressing nicely, and just became, I don't know - gradually - very gradually - a "normal" adult, or at least I can put up a good façade. I have friends - not loads, but gradually I've made them. I have my own home (my dad died and left what they had to me, they didn't have loads but enough for me to buy my own small house outright) and job. And I'm totally miserable.
I've never had a boyfriend. I'm not a virgin because I used to prostitute myself 
you read that right. I also got pregnant once (on purpose - I decided I wanted a baby and a baby would make everything OK. Then I realised, six weeks later, a baby wouldn't make everything OK. This was when I was in my late 20s ffs, not like I was a silly teenager.) I terminated that pregnancy then; I still feel so terrible about this.
I've had to "leave" one job, because I suppose I wasn't very good at it. I always get jobs as like I say, it's as if I can manage a façade or a shiny image of what I'm supposed to be for a certain length of time, and interestingly when I'm slim I can manage this for longer, like I look the way I'm supposed to look so I can act. Like putting on a costume. But I always end up messing up somehow, in some way.
I am currently having counselling but there's still some stuff I can't talk about. I resisted counselling for absolutely ages but I want to change.
I want a boyfriend. I want a husband. I want children. I want a normal life. I'm so lonely and I don't know how to change 