Is it possible to be 'damaged' beyond repair?

[GothJuice]

I'm not quite sure where to start with this but would welcome some opinions.
Brief history - very chaotic childhood, family secrets etc, lots of mental health issues and ASD within the close family. Chaotic adolescence and early adulthood including some drug use. Difficult relationships as an adult and further high level long term stress.
I've known for many years that I perhaps needed support for my own MH, which was difficult to admit to myself as I was the one who 'looked after' the MH issues of others (professionally & personally).
I didn't recognise my own symptoms of depression as they don't 'fit' the list.
My primary symptoms were uncontrollable rage - hair trigger low tolerance and crying.
I started taking Sertraline in 2013 and am now on 150mg. I've had 8 weeks off work in early 2014. I've had 3 counselling sessions (via Occ Health) which was extremely unhelpful and bordered on
unprofessional.
The problem though is this - on the tablets, I am unable to parent properly (feels like I can't be bothered to discipline or enforce boundaries), can't challenge unfairness within my marriage (because I don't 'feel' bothered enough to challenge)when off the tablets I can't parent because I can't control the rage I feel and within my marriage I'm always hyper vigilant and on the attack for real or imagined injustice. I'm beginning to feel as though I'm damaged in some way because as I look back, I can't remember a time where I was 'normal' - I've been through periods of disordered thought process' brought on by severe anxiety etc and yet to most people I'm considered to be extremely calm. In control, capable. the advice giver etc. the people closest to me know me to be angry, resentful, anxious, controlling and volatile.
I'm so sorry this is long, I don't even know what I'm asking but it's the first time I've been able to tell the truth of what's happening inside of me.
I feel like a Pressure cooker constantly on the verge of exploding. The AD's are just about keeping the lid on.
Thanks for reading

Goth I totally know how you feel. I too feel that rage when off my ads and my stomach constantly churns. Am currently taking 100mg setraline as breastfeeding. I prefer fluoxetine and will go back in it shortly when I wean DS.
I have had anorexia and bulimia for over 20 years. Some times are worse than others.
I don't have much advice for you just wanted to give you some support.

You need proper mental health care for yourself. Have you been under a psychiatrist before? They are very knowledgeable about the right kind of meds to try and I'm sure they would recommend psychotherapy rather than just counselling as the issues you've mentioned are many and varied - it's not surprised you are feeling very damaged given that description.

The positive thing is that you sound very strong having been through such a lot, held down a job, marriage, kids etc - even if you feel they have or are comprised those things are not to be devalued. You also express yourself very clearly & have insight into your own situation so with some good professional guidance it sounds like you're well placed to take action to feel better - it might not seem like it, too much effort, too difficult etc but you have to do something or nothing will change, in fact it will get worse, & writing this post is a sign you know you need help again so go for it.

I definitely don't think you can be damaged beyond repair.

I do think to an extent we have to take our early experiences with us, but these can become a positive - a sign of strength and how to get through things.

Some things in your post jumped out at me. Like you, I give an impression - facade really - of calmness and professionalism and smoothness. The reality was that my home life was quite dysfunctional and chaotic. I deliberately prevented letting people too close for that reason as they might see the real 'me'.

If I am honest I don't have all the answers. I'm having counselling myself at the moment: it started related to the loss of my dad but chucked up a whole other can of worms. I'm sorry yours were crap! Is it something you feel able to try again? I can understand it might not be.

I wish you well.

I would say yes, I am.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and it's a relief to hear I'm not the only person who seems to be trying to cope with this overwhelming rage.
Ironically, for most of my life it was impossible to make me angry - I felt completely detached but when I did finally reach my tipping point, I would explode like a bomb. As I've learned to allow myself to 'feel' emotions, (good and bad) I'm now in a near rage all the time.
I sometimes think everybody, myself included, were better off when I was detached, although I don't feel I was a 'real' person then, more a chameleon who mirrored the people around me.
I don't know how to go about finding the right sort of help or even what kind of help I need.
I struggle to remember to take the ADs and can end up going cold turkey for weeks at a time because I lose them of just forget.
Thank you again for listening