Please give me hope, Possitive stories please

[Juneywoony]

I'm sat here crying I'm in such a deep depression it's eating away at me, it's been going on for two months, I'm currently on home leave from hospital. My Husband and kids are busying themselves as normal as me sat here crying is just normal to them now.

The kids are living with their grandparents in the week, my husband is having to work fulltime and do everything I would normally do in the house and look after the kids at weekends.

I've got bipolar and suffered many highs and lows over the years but this episode is so so deep just like my first bad episode at 18 when I had ECT. I've begged for ECT this time but they say there are strict guide lines these days and a number of options have to be tried before they will consider it. I can't bare the thought of going on like months like this trying various meds, I haven't got time on my hands my kids can't live at their grandparents forever, they need a mum, my husband needs his wife back and I need myself back.

I'm literally at my wits end and don't know how much longer I can go on like this, It's not just the depression it's also that have crippling anxiety and my body just won't keep still, I pace around, rub my legs with my hands, lie down rub my legs together so much so that they are sore. Ive asked the psych why I can't stay still but she just says she doesn't know. I just feel there is no end in sight and I have no faith in the Dr's.

Please give me hope, how did you claw yourselves out of major depression and how long did it take.

Also I have zero concentration I can't watch tv, read or bare listening to music I feel like I'm trapped in hell.

Hi just wanted you to know you are not alone, I am always wary of telling my story as I know when I wasn't well ,not getting better felt like another thing I had got wrong, but I always wanted a ray of light to enter my darkness, and it did.
I had severe depression for many years, it was agony. I have been a lot better (never say cured) for 7-8 years) now. I still feel the black dog circling but he hasn't bitten me in a long time. Do keep taking your meds these will help balance things.
The main thing that helped was learning that my needs are important, I count, I used to feel there was some rule book and I wasn't up to standard, a failure. I learned to separate effort and result, I, like I'm sure you do, try as hard as I can, sometimes I get it wrong that's ok.
I also try to be kind to myself, say kind things, eat the right food, take the exercise, but if I didn't do these things that was ok to. Surviving deserves a medal.

I hope I don't sound glib, or that getting well is easy it's not ,but I know that you can come through it, just do today, this hour.You count to, try and be as kind to yourself as you possibly can.

Thanks for sharing your story with me Dizzy.

When you say it lasted 7-8 years were you functioning at all? at the moment I struggle to get dressed I stay in my pjs most of the time, I can't remember the last time I combed my hair or brushed my teeth. I can't cook or do anything round the house I just sit or lie rubbing my legs together, rock and cry.

Juney - I was where you are now earlier this year and it was hell. It sounds like you may have agitated depression, which is not uncommon in folks with BP. I'd pace and pace for hours and hours.

The only thing that got me out of it was getting a good balance of meds (lamotrigine and quetiapine in my case) and lots of time.

What meds are you on? If you're still in such a horrible depression then they really need to be seriously looking at the regime you're on.

Is being at home the best place for you? I know that psych hospitals can be tough places, but would it be better for you to have the kind of space they can give you out of the home.

I really hope things start improving for you soon. X

Thanks screamer

I am on 400mg of lamotragine already, I'm also on a low dose of sertraline and Asenapine. I'm seeing the psych tomorrow as they said the next step would be to change the asenapine for something else quetiapine was mentioned.

Oh honey I really feel for you, I was similar about 4 years ago, I was in such a state. Could you be having a mixed episode? There is light at the end of the tunnel, really there is. I eventually found anagram puzzles and drawing/ writing could occupy me for short bursts of time.
I hope you get some relief soon, I wish you well. X

Thanks khalessi, I have tried puzzles but can only do them for a minute max before I have to get up and move around.

I had a mixed episode earlier this year and was in hospital for four months but it was so different from this. I would be suicidal one minute then an hour later I would be elated and doing cartwheels around the ward, this time is just so different it's a constant depression with lots of agitation, it's pure hell and I'd swap it for the episode earlier in the year as part of that I was happy (too happy).

I've only had about 3 months of stability this year I just feel like giving up in fact I keep thinking I'll stay around for xmas but after that if I'm no better hen I will have to go, I just can't live like this it's torture.

Keep on keeping on juneywooney, it will get better.