Pretty sure I am Bi-Polar. What next?

[weakestlink]

I'm pretty sure I'm bi-polar.

I have practically destroyed my family. Both my mother and DH bankrupt after my spending got out of control and me refusing to acknowledge a problem.

I have controlled DH so much he felt it necessary to have an affair to regain some control in his life.
He recognises what he did was wrong but my behaviour is out of control.

My mum has ended all contact with me recently and I haven't spoken to my dad in years.

I went through a period of promiscuity during university which lasted 6 months or so and travelled a lot, to the point that I barely scraped my degree.

I have a feeling that I literally know everything, I'm better than everyone else and I can do anything if I want to.

From reading up on the condition it would seem I am mainly manic. But also paranoid and very anxious.

What do I do next?!

I feel as if I go to the doctor they will laugh at me and think I am making an excuse for my awful behaviour.

I haven't mentioned to my husband either as we are semi separated and he is currently not living with me.

I have 3 small children which I manage well with work but life is very stressful. Being manic most of the time kind of helps me look after the kids as I don't get much sleep.

What to do next...?

Just googled "pressured Speach" this is also something I do.

I do come across quite well though I was totally honest with him and wrote down all of my crazy things in the timeline.

When he asked about feeling suicidal I said some days I feel totally hopeless but I wouldn't leave my children as I know no one could raise them as well we I can.

If, overall, you think you match up with those statements, is it all the time, or is there a cyclical pattern to it?

Pretty much all the time but to a greater or lesser extent with some.
Eg. I always lack empathy but I am not always arrogant!

So what do you think about what he said?

Well I did / do think I show a lot of signs of bipolar but more manic than depressed so perhaps a different condition?
He seemed to think my highs are not high enough and my lows not low enough for a diagnosis of bipolar so perhaps somewhere on that spectrum?
He seemed to think I was in control of my behaviours which although not exactly ideal was something I could work on/monitor better myself without the need for medication / external help.

I am confused as would have been easier to blame my awful behaviour on an illness to be honest!

Cyclothymia is like subclinical bipolar, but really in cases like this when it;s likely that no medications are appropriate, i'm not sure how helpful descriptive labels like these are. They don't explain anything

I think maybe I need to recognise I have a problem and need to channel my energy in a more positive way?
He did mention that once I can sort out my professional life and be more intellectually challenged this may help me find a better balance in my personal life. If that makes sense.

He said I need to learn to moderate my behaviour eg. Manipulation/being controlling.

Agh I feel as if my head is going to explode!!

Cyclothymia does also sound like me from the NHS write up.
But then so does bipolar.
Confused.com

Maybe I was not clear enough with him, but I honestly don't know how I could have been.

I didn't take notes but his main reasons why he did not think I have bipolar seemed to be linked to the fact that I am always in control of my own actions.

Have you ever tried personal therapy? It might help to think about where the controlling thing comes from.

I think we'd all be better off if we were able to be self aware so good on you for daring to face your flaws!

I control everything / everyone because I believe I know best and why way of doing things is the only way. I don't know why I feel that way but I do.
Eg. I find it hard to leave the children in childcare as they don't look after them in the way I want them to (but I have to use childcare so I have to let this one go).
I hate spontaneous decisions / if friends want to go to a restaurant that I don't I just make my excuses and don't go!

I made a GP appointment for next week so I guess I can discuss again with her.

I will order the books he suggested (on personality disorders).

Cool, I hope they are helpful. (If any in particular are, please let me know!)

And I bet many mums find it hard to leave their kids in childcare for the exact same reason.

Thank you for your support :)

My pleasure

You sound very like my DP, OP. He has been diagnosed bipolar, and takes medication for that, but tbh, I'm not sure he is as he doesn't seem to have the downs much. He just seems to be manic nearly all the time. He does seem to think that he is the most important and most intelligent person in almost every situation. And he is very intelligent, but not in a widely-recognized fashion. (He is also one of the best people I have ever met in my whole life.) I'm curious as to what, if anything, you may eventually be diagnosed with.
I am sorry that you're having such a hard time, however. I hope things get better for you soon, even if I have no advice as to how that might happen.

P.S. I am also guilty of ordering things online, and then forgetting what I've ordered by the time they are delivered. I call it "being a spendthrift".

This is very definitely only a suggestion, but have you ever considered whether you might be on the autistic spectrum? Some of the things you've said do seem to chime; not so much the being manipulative etc, that is not particularly associated with ASD, but the detachment, difficulty emphathising, wanting to be in control, not liking to do spontaneous things....

Anyway, just an idea. Hope you get some answers.

I am highly sociable so don't think ASD because of that....
A bit too sociable sometimes!!!