This is going to ramble a bit because I'm not good at explaining things without explaining everything as well. I have suffered with OCD since I was a really little girl, about age 5 or 6 and a lot of it has to do with what I'm about to go on about a bit.
I'll start from the start so I don't drip feed (or try it to, I don't remember things well).
My mum and dad were 17/18 when they had me. They kept the pregnancy a secret from everyone, only they knew I was coming until the day I was born. My mum told my nan and I was born 8 hours later as a rather big surprise.
This has lead to issues as I grew up and in my adult life too, even moreso now I have a baby of my own. The main issue is this: I feel as though not even my parents really wanted me, I feel like my mum in particular must have resented me because I feel like a baby must have stopped her being a 17 year old and having a baby is really bloody hard. And being pregnant kind of sucks too. This has led to a huge need to please everybody to make myself have some worth to others - self worth? What. I seem to have a lot of confidence in myself, that is a lie I feel like a worthless person who started out as a burden and have remained one ever since. I worried about everything while I was pregnant, and knowing my mum had no scans or anything makes me feel like she didn't care if I was ok or not. I feel like she only kept me because she didn't believe in abortion. I know I get my anxiety from my mum so this makes it worse, though I don't know her mind I suppose (
arguing with myself).
My problem here is that I don't know what to do about it, I can't afford counselling and the mental health care near me is fairly useless - bar the perinatal team who have been good so far - but my issues & illness(es) extend far further than that. I used to battle with this particular problem as a teen but it's all come flooding back recently and making me want to hurt myself again and I really don't want that but I feel like I can't control my thoughts any other way, not even with compulsions anymore and I want to make them stop because I don't doubt my parents love me now, but the little voice in my head just makes me feel guilty for existing and burdening them. How do I deal with this because I don't feel supported at home really :( my husband falls asleep when I talk to him because he's tired all the timeand I can't talk to my parents about this because they'd just tell me I'm being silly- well they wouldn't tell me that they didn't want me would they!im just struggling to deal with the thoughts as I usually would and I'm finding it hard to not give them importance. I'm also scared to get help from someone lest they think I'm mad and they take my DD away from me, and she really keeps me going I adore her!