I need comfort

[Wordsaremything]

That's it really. Am really suffering and am now barely functioning at work.

Background of serious depressive episodes with years respite in between. Marriage broke down four years ago. A relief at the time but now realising I threw it away too easily. Or maybe this is hindsight.

Father died two years ago and I shouldered all responsibility for arrangements and now also ailing mother with whom I have difficult relationship. No other family.

None of this properly mourned.

I have been numbing myself with food, alcohol and OTC meds. Isolating from friends, alienating others with my behaviour and no energy for hobbies. In a relationship which is not really right . I am being very unkind as I simply don't want to talk.

Was going to name change but can't work out how.

Had this sensation of walking forever down a dark wet corridor.

A dear friend of mine is moving away and I will miss her sorely.

I wish I was dead. So many tears trapped inside. I can't keep pretending much longer. I am so tired.

Oh you are under the kosh at the moment. What happened during your previous episodes? Did you seek help?

I know it's a stock response but could you talk to your GP?

You sound very troubled right now and perhaps need some outside help. You have a lot on your plate and there is only so long you can be strong before the dam breaks.

Talk on here, there are some good people, but if you can face a GP appointment it would be good.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you x

Thank you it's. Yes I did. Have had the meds, and the therapy; and the cmh visits with their have you got a plan for today dear; had two or three periods of several months off work in the past decade but cannot afford that now, am in a different and more exposed position.

Resistant to getting help again. Which is interesting. I just want someone to look after me for a change I think. Back to therapy May be the answer .

Cried some big fat self indulgent tears after I posted. Probably a good thing.

Thank you for replying to me.

A good couple of weeks sobbing helps me. I listen to sad songs, watch sad documentaries and generally wallow.

I too am bored with therapy, mood diaries, meds, concerned faces and being asked 'But how do you really feel?'

Apparently 'just shit' is not an appropriate answer.

There are a small group of very helpful, real people on here who will no doubt have much better advice than me. But I wish you well. I know the despair and the boring self pity. It's an arse, I had to drag myself into the shower and 'function' today when all I wanted to do was go to bed.

Therapy could be good if you can find someone you click with. You've been here before, you know the score. It will lift eventually. It's just the waiting...

Thank you. Didn't manage the shower myself today. Dry shampoo is my new friend.

I think it is a matter of waiting. Sometimes it just lifts inexplicably.

But my coping mechanisms are damaging in themselves . But I could no more go for a long walk than fly to the moon.

I know, baby steps and all that.