I can't do this.

[Spaceboundeminem]

I can't cope with all my bad memories. I can't deal with thinking about my childhood no more.

I feel so depressed. I am hearing voices and I'm very scared.

I just don't want to be here anymore. I could deal with the shitty childhood if there was the silver lining that I could get over it and have a happy life. But I can't because everytime I sort it out in my head I have another bipolar episode and it's like I'm right back there. Meaning I have to start from scratch. I just can't do it no more.

My head is so fucked up there are moments when (voices agree with this) I think my ex loved me more than dh even though he beat me and raped me and once gang raped me.

I am falling down the paths of drugs again because that's how my daddy always coped.

I want to go back to my ex so he and I can have a proper fight other than the stupid ones we have over fb.

I am so messed up I can't do it.

A part of me feels like what me and ex did was a game that was fun and I lost meaning I should go back to win.

People don't realise when your psychotic the thinking and thought processes change too.

That sounds so shit, spacebound. I can't take the feelings away, but can only offer a bit of perspective,

Your ex didn't love you if he raped and beat you. The voices are echoing how you feel inside, that you're worthless and deserve it. No one at all deserves to be treated how you were though either by him or in your childhood.

Having bipolar on top of all of that. Particularly with multiple relapses, skews how you see things too.

What access to services do you have? I know they're patchy, but I'd be asking for a meds review to see of they can change, add or increase what you're taking in the short term to help you get through this patch. Do you have a care co or a duty officer you could call, even if it's just to blurt it all out? Sometimes just telling someone how bad you're feeling can help.

X post. Maybe you're right and it was a game to him, but it's a game you absolutely can't win. He was playing with a loaded deck, both physically and mentally.

Thank you keemanaaan I dropped my meds because dh said if I could retain stability for 6 months on less medication I could have another baby.

I was taking 20mg olanzapine, 800 mg sodium valproate, 200mg sertraline, 2mg clonazepam.

I dropped to 15mg olanzapine and 2mg clonazepam.

Hi

So sorry to hear what your going through. It sounds like maybe dropping your meds has caused things to get worse? I would say you maybe need to talk to your doctor and maybe start taking them again. I know its tempting when you just want another baby but in the grand scheme of things waiting a bit longer and making sure your in the best posible health it probably the best thing for you and baby.

It sounds like you have had a really hard time and now you have found some safety and stability with your husband. Maybe your crave some of the adrenalin from all the drama with your ex as i think i read somewhere you can become addicted to the heightened emotion (even if its negative) but dont let that make you do something you will regret.

Trust your doctor and husband and try and ask yourself where you want your children to grow up and what sort of environment you want for them.

i really wish you the best of luck and hope things improve for you soon.

Thank you. I am going to take the 20mg olanzapine, instead of 15mg. I am hoping that will help. I just feel so messed up right now.