I have had depression most of my life but since having kids it's much harder to deal with and get on with normal life. I had CBT last year and it didn't help at all but it did solidly the issue I have which is a severe sort of social anxiety where I'm pretty sure everyone dislike me, even just by sight. I feel worthless and would never assume anyone would want to talk to me or even regards my existence - three teen school girls were linking arms on a narrow pavement and rather than make room they just walked into me. I'm someone people don't want to acknowledge nevermind be friends with. I've had so many friends just stop contact for no reason and extensive bullying throughout school and some adulthood incidents - DH's close friends turned round and started slagging me off while I was suffering with depression post birth, I had put a lot of effort into that friendship despite feeling unsure I could trust the woman from the start. Although it's the friends who just don't respond anymore that hurt more and reinforce the point that I am unlikable.
My eldest started school recently and this has made it more obvious, no one talks to me unless they want something. One mother confronted me at church because I hadn't responded to her party invitation and was obviously pissed off when I said I didn't want to go, seriously why is it that important? I did explain that I didn't want to go because no one talks to me at the school gates so I wouldn't want to go and have no one talk to me at the party for a couple of hours. Our children aren't friends so I don't think it will be a big deal. My child is a summer born so over six months younger so I refused to leave her there. She did say she would talk to me, which is a bit desperate but I have just realised she is a mum at the school gates, not working, so she is already not talking to me - a lot of the mum know each already so it makes it harder. I have volunteered for something but keep getting thoughts that it's a ridiculous idea, that they won't want me and I'm useless. I volunteered for some else last month and asked them to pull it as I felt so embarrassed and ridiculous applying for it when I'm so useless and they obviously wouldn't want me - I gave up work four years ago while on maternity leave. I've done a fair bit of volunteering since but have had a couple of awful experiences with women screwing me over and not letting me do things, more crushing of my confidence. I even had a lot of trouble signing up to a college course which is very easy but the college refused to believe me and made such a fuss, it was awful so I have done it alone at home instead.
I also have a problem with how I perceive how I look and how big the difference is to how I feel on the inside. I know I look a lot younger than I am, well I am told by others, this doesn't help at school as mums are a bit older than average so probably assume they have nothing in common with me. But I also have an image of myself as a total weirdo and I'm surprised to look in a mirror and not look as I imagined, I don't look like a mad old frumpy freak.
I have no idea how to turn this around and become normal, how to override these feelings and ignore the judgement people may have. I have two young daughters and am an awful role model and don't want to screw them up. I have been thinking about leaving, I can't comprehend how I will get through this.