So here I am again. Depressed, lonely and hiding. Need help.

[viciouscycle]

Hi

I have suffered on and off with depression since I was in my very early teens. I had a very happy childhood and was brought up in a very stable and loving home. One day, I just woke up and I couldn't cope...... with anything! I was anxious about everything and the thought of going to school made me feel physically sick and panicky. I was eventually diagnosed with depression and school phobia, which I didn't know about until recently. I think my parents didn't want to label me. I knew I was depressed and was taking AD's when I was 13, but I didn't know I was school phobic, even though I can still remember that terror I felt every morning, when I woke and realised I had to go to school. As a result of that and also, not having the right help, I left school with nothing. I don't feel like I have anything to offer. We live in such a competitive world, more so than ever and I just feel like I don't stand a chance. Tbh though, right now, working is the last thing on my mind. I am really struggling with my anxiety again. I have been more depressed than I am feeling now, but I can see where it's going. I am worried about everything. I have horrible, dark thoughts, which I can't seem to control. At night time, sometimes I just lie there and have horrible images in my head and I don't actually go to sleep at all.

I was in a relationship for nearly a decade and I have a DD who has a fair few problems and I struggle with that constantly. I'm worried about her future, but to the point where I'll just sit there crying and assuming the worst will happen. I am now in a relationship with a woman, although I don't think my depression growing up was anything to do with my sexuality. I never associated as gay, or confused even, I just met and very unexpectedly, fell in love with a woman. As you can imagine though, this can raise my anxiety levels, as unfortunately, there's still a fair amount of prejudice around.

We've recently moved and my DD has started a new school. I promised myself I would throw myself into everything. I was going to make an effort with all the mums, sign up to everything, join all the groups and generally just get out there. I'm ashamed to say, I haven't and I feel like once again, I'm failing miserably. I know a lot of it is me being paranoid, but at the the same time, I find these mums very unapproachable and unfriendly. I don't expect them to be making the first move, but a smile would be nice. I have started getting into really bad, avoidance habits again. For example, I will make sure I don't leave too early, so I can avoid having to stand around for too long at school drop off and pick up times.

You probably wouldn't think I felt like this if you met me. I can be quite good at hiding it and I have even been told that I come across as very confident and happy. I couldn't be less confident and sometimes I feel utterly miserable and life just seems too hard.

I had CBT a couple of years a go and I thought it had helped. Evidently not.

I just don't know what to do, or how to break this cycle. I want to just get on with life, without having that almost constant sense of dread and panic. I'm so sick of being in this dark place.

Would very much appreciate any advice, thoughts or experiences.

Thanks for reading.

Hi Cycle, I'm not sure I will have any expert advice to offer but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and say ''I'm listening, it must be tough for you, will help if possible".

Did anything trigger your school phobia by the way? I hated school around age 10 and had psychiatric therapy but I put it down (now, I don't think I did at the time) to being quite badly bullied at school and at home (not by family, around where I lived I mean). What I will say is that you don't just go one direction down a road, IYSWIM, you went in the direction of a phobia and depression, well, you can also go in the other direction out of there, with the right help. Even if you drive down a dead end you can turn around or reverse! Sorry about the waffle, the analogy just popped into my head...

Do you have family and friends around to help you nowadays, I think this is really important, even just one family member or friend if you can chat to them.

I can understand how tough you found it with the school mums, my experience of school playgrounds was not too enjoyable and I totally understand when you say 'even a smile would help' as I always found the majority of them quite ignorant and cliquey. Perhaps you tried to immerse yourself a little too much, perhaps just try talking to one mum who you can squeeze a smile out of.

I will stay tuned and I hope you'll find some help here or elsewhere.

Hi shady. Sorry it's taken a while to get back.

Nothing really triggered my phobia. I suppose I thought the fact I had fallen out with a group of friends started it off, but who doesn't do that?! Especially girls of that age. They're always falling out! I think for me, it was just some kind of chemical imbalance, once I'd hit puberty.

I'm sorry you've had a tough time of it too. Bullying is a terrible thing and I don't think the bullies realise just how much it stays with you throughout your life.

I do have family around, yes. They're very supportive, but my dp is the only one who really knows just how bad I'm feeling right now. I have friends, but not really round here. Still trying to make friends round here (not particuarly successfully) and I have to say, I feel really distant from my old friends and not just geographically. I think some of them had a tough time when I came out and told them that I had a gf. I think that has affected how I'm feeling now.

Thank you x

A lot of what you've said sounds like me. Very much lack of self confidence is my key anxiety. Once your in it - your stuck in the hamster wheel and only you can decide whether to try to jump off to break this.

One of the key triggers is having too much 'free time' for many years I was under pressure with the business and I had no time to dwell I was racing around but now that both children are in school I suddenly had this quality time and all of a sudden I started to freak.

There are options - simple as it sounds a hobby. I have gone back to sewing and it excites me. I love to bake and read recipes. I would def consider an exercise regime - start easy and simple. Light swim/short jog/ easy LBT etc. What about challenging hill walking something that makes you feel exhausted and exhilarated?

With anxiety - its worth considering meds or supplements as I think with brain imbalance you cant make yourself feel better it takes something rather powerful to do this. I'm on fish oils and primrose oils and def feeling on the 'up'.

Its good that you have addressed this and want to recover. The one thing I didnt want was my children to suffer or know how I was feeling. I def didnt want my children to lose out because of my mental health.

I too am lonely even though I do try and socialise with the mums. I really do try and when you dress bright and smile you send the right messages to others so worth considering making more of an effort. Because of my anxiety I wont be the extrovert in the group and this holds me back even though most people have no idea as I come across very confident.

Does any of this help?

Hi bitter

Yes, it does help. It always helps to know that someone else out there gets how you're feeling. The thing is, I know I'm not alone. I know that there are plenty of others out there who feel the same, or similar. When I see other mums at the school gate, for example, I will (at the time) assume that their lives must be so much more fulfilling. When I had CBT, it helped me realise that that kind of thinking and those kind of assumptions are very much to do with my anxiety. I still do that though. It's just that now when I step back, I know that's probably not the case. I also used to assume that people must know how I was feeling, or know that I didn't have anything particularly interesting to talk about so I would feel kind of exposed. Again, what the CBT made me realise was they those people I assumed had those interesting, witty conversations(much more so than mine of course), because their lives were so much more fulfilling than mine, were probably actually just talking about every day, mundane things. It's all about my perception, as I'm sure resonates with you.

I would actually like to take fish oils (my DD is on them and it really helps her) but for some reason, they give me a really intense headache. I've tried the standard dose, instead of the high dosage ones and I still get a headache. I would much rather take something like that, rather than AD's. It's just a personal thing. I know they work wonders for a lot of people, so I'm not anti them.

Thanks again :)