Hi everyone, not sure if anyone wants to reply to this but it's good to write it down. Thoughts get so confused when they're milling around in the mind...
I have a history of depression which i've dealt with on and off since my adolescence (now 37). Currently in the process of going back on to medication having tried (and failed) to come off, which could be a big reason of my feeling the way i do.
I'd say i'm a fairly intelligent person, but due to depression i dropped out of school at A levels so have no proper qualifications. Have started many courses and never managed to finish one. I've had various jobs but never a career. Not the end of the world i know, but i've come to the conclusion that maybe i'm not able to 'do' life.
I'm married and have 2 fantastic children (7 and 3) so, yes, i must have done something ok. But everything feels so temporary. I always feel like i'm living day to day... Now that my 2nd child is starting nursery (i live in France so official free school can start at 3) i need to get a job etc etc and contribute to the family money pot.
When 2nd child was 1 yr i did what i thought i was supposed to and got a childminder sorted, a job lined up and into the daily life that is 'the norm'. Wham, hit by major panic attacks, depression and couldn't do it. So used my son as a reason to be a stay at home mum. Now he's at school in the mornings, and from January some full days, i have no excuse! I have a job to start, one i think i'd enjoy even. But am in full melt down mode. Crying all the time, or angry and shouting at my poor family. Trying to get medication right and taking anxiety-controlling meds so very tired and physically all over the place. My employers think they're getting a mature stable woman! Ha!
Maybe this is happening because i just can't cope with life being in the future, does that even make sense? I get overwhelmed so easily and coping with day to day stuff (household, kids) seems enough already. But i can't stay at home with no child here to look after, we can't afford it even if i thought it was viable!
Maybe i'm just at a bad stage and it all seems too much at the moment, but if i look back at my life, i've never been able to keep at anything. Does this mean i'll never be able to manage?
All very self-pitying... there are people out there with real problems i know, but how do people 'do' life?