So very angry - and so ashamed! Please help me.

[outofcontrol2014]

I have had a lot of crap happen in the last five years. Without wanting to sound like a victim (or to suggest that there aren't people who have been through way worse) the events that have occurred have exceeded my personal ability to cope at times. Divorce after 17 years of marriage, a flood, a house sale, meeting a new partner and a cancelled wedding to do with him backing out, a bullying, sexist/racist boss, the start of a chronic physical illness which along with the aforementioned boss led to my resignation and the growing heartbreak that this illness probably means I will never be able to have a child.

I also have a history of abuse by a very controlling and violent mother. We get along now, but there is a distance with the whole of my family and I have very little support. I have friends, but not close friends to whom I can talk. DH is very supportive but is anger-phobic, and I worry that I am increasingly bullying him.

I am so angry all of the time. Politics, the news, any kind of injustice - personal or not - triggers this simmering sense of outrage and resentment. I find myself posting frustrated things on Facebook (which of course only increases a sense of isolation), or ranting at my DH. I am bad-tempered, I snap, and I am uncharitable in my assumptions.

I spend a lot of time alone now (due to the illness) and it really isn't helping.

Sometimes I am the worst person. I hate everybody. Most of the time, I want someone to pay for all the crap that is happening. All the time, I hate myself.

I know my behaviour is out of control. I am never violent, but I realise the anger is unacceptable. It has reached a point where I am a whisker away from saying undermining or emotionally abusive things. I feel like a monster. I worry that I'm going to lose it suddenly at someone in a shop or a cafe or something.

I don't understand why this is happening, or what to do about it. I am so ashamed and lost and frightened. Please help.

Have you been to the GP? you need to go. I don't know what your illness is, but I have been in a similar state to you where the only emotion/ feeling I have is some form of anger, from irritability through to incandescent rage. Nothing else. It's been helped with counselling before, but this time I'm going to try anti-depressants to see if they help, as all other emotional responses are depressed (GP prescribed)

I have felt angry before, sounds similar to this. I was bottling up a lot of stuff. When I had counselling, I let it out, and found the anger was down to normal occasional reactions to bad stuff happening. It helped enormously. Please don't feel ashamed. Anger sounds like a normal response to what you have been through.

wow, if you think of yourself as a machine- the machine that is "you" has had way to many breakdowns, disturbances, interruptions to continue etc.

Put another way- I am not surpised you are having anger and MH issues- look at everything thats happened.

But OP, you can do something about it

#1 accept you are at breaking point. STOP being ashamed, get help. see a GP, write it down. Get pills if they so agree, get counselling. Can you afford 40-50 every other week to do it yourself? PM and I am happy to send a great link I used

#2 you need to talk to someone. The fact is most of us dont share our feelings and worries with people, but you have alot going on and you MUST talk and get it out. pay for it, its worth it

#3 in the short term take proactive actions to help your well being. trust me THEY work- they do make a difference- a year ago I was suicidal

walking
gardening
volunteering (especially if you dont work)
exercise
eat well, cut the booe and fags if possible
natural supplements
anything that makes you laugh

GOODLUCK take some actions please you are worth investing in

Thank you all so, so much for being understanding.

I realise that I need to take action, and that a combination of meds/counselling is probably part of the answer.

Five years ago, I was running hill marathons, and now I'm overweight and extremely unfit. I also eat too much crap and drink too much. I find it difficult to look after my health because of the physical issue I have (menhorragia). I hate to criticise the NHS, but I've been bleeding 25 days out of every 30 for five years, and they haven't even done a proper series of investigations yet, despite my returning to the GP over and over and over again and begging for help. I am childless and 36, and my older DH now says he feels he is too old to try for a child. I can't help feeling that if this had been dealt with more promptly, I wouldn't have lost the chance to have a family.

Oh I don't think you're too old at 36, I had my first at 40 and second at 45 - but that's not the issue. You need to have your menorrhagia properly investigated! You must be shockingly iron deficient by now, and low iron can cause mood/anger issues.

Can you change your GP? go to a different surgery or something?

Hi Thumbwitch - you're spot on, I am anaemic and I'm sure that's why I'm out of breath on climbing a flight of stairs these days. I take iron every day (not pleasant!) but it's not enough.

I have changed surgery once. It seems to be a problem with how this is dealt with rather than with the individual GP. I consider myself a fairly feisty and informed person, but I've had to fight every step of the way to get tests.

For instance, I spent an entire year having my first GP repeatedly test me for STDs, even though every single test was clear. I've only ever had 2 sexual partners! It was like they simply didn't believe that it wasn't an STD, and every time I went back I was retested! In the end, the only way to get out of this neverending loop was to present myself at the walk in GUM clinic at the hospital, and explain the situation to the consultant there. She tested me for everything under the sun, got another battery of negative results, and then wrote a letter to my GP demanding that she did a different test.

I then had an ultrasound that showed fibroids. But nothing was done about this - I just got the answer 'You have fibroids in the wrong place'. When I pressed for further investigation, I was sent back for a second ultrasound, which gave the same result - no treatment options, no progress. These results have been given to me by a community gynaecologist - I can't even make it into the hospital.

I've also had the Mirena coil twice, even though it did nothing for me. Ditto for progesterone.

Finally, at the start of this year, I managed to get onto the waiting list for a laparoscopy at the hospital. I am still waiting.

My friend was treated the same way. Unfortunately, in her case it turned out to be cancer. She died this week, in her mid 40s.

Something is going horribly wrong with the system.

OP You may well have seen all of this but if not could the NICE Clinical Knowledge Summary on Menorrhagia help you to get the outcome you want from the GPs you are seeing? Is there a surgery with a GP who specialises in Women's health? If you think you have not been dealt with appropriately could you contact a patients group in your area and get someone to assist you with a satisfactory referral for your Menorrhagia.

I'm not surprised you have these anger issues given what you have been through. I am impressed by your self-awareness and that you have the clarity and forethought to see what you're dealing with and what might happen in the future. The county I live in has a self-referral system for a wellbeing service (what was IAPTS) and they run all sorts of courses - stress management, anger management etc... Do you have something like that in your area? It would be good to get into the system and they would be able to assess you and find the most appropriate course for you.

oh sweetheart- thats awful. I have had fibroids for years and finally getting them cut out

Get this issue sorted, as how can you find energy and boost yourself up

keep us posted and read that link

and so sorry for your friend, RIP

Outof - I am completely outraged at your medical people's mismanagement of your situation! It's appalling!

What iron are you taking? is it GP prescribed or are you purchasing your own? Prescribed iron is usually ferrous sulphate and is notorious for being poorly absorbed and causing constipation and black stools. You might only be absorbing about 20% of the actual dose you're taking. You also need to take it with a source of vitamin C to increase absorption. If you're buying your own, then consider taking something like ferrous citrate, or ferrous fumarate as these are organic salts of iron, rather than inorganic salts (like the sulphate) and will be absorbed better. This looks like a good one as it has a useful set of other vits and minerals included, especially the vit C, so will give you a more balanced nutritional enhancement.

I think, if you can manage it, you should go to yet another GP and say you are TATT (tired all the time) and bleeding non-stop, and you want a FBC (full blood count) and iron studies done because you are short of breath on exertion (I used to work in hospital labs, these are the terms they use). If you're not severely anaemic, I'm a Dutchperson.
Once the anaemia diagnosis is established, and its severity noted, then push for a consultant gynae referral. Push HARD for this - your fibroids may or may not be the reason for your menorrhagia, but at the very least they could be taken out of the equation. You could also be prescribed something like desmopressin to reduce the bleeding, if that's appropriate - a decent doctor will know that.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend - yet another woman who has had her symptoms ignored/brushed off for far too long until it's too late - tragic :(