Multiple victim of abuse why? Trigger warning.

[Spaceboundeminem]

At age 8-9 my mothers boyfriend would rape me. He would call me a filfthy whore and a slag and said I was dirty and made men think unnatural things. He would always hold me under the water in a freezing cold bath afterwords in order to cleanse me. He also used to give me a cold flannel to place between my legs.

She 13 I had a abusive boyfriend who would rape me vaginally and anally.

At 15 I took a load of drink and drugs and passed out someone carried me to the bed and I woke up slightly but was unable to speak I remember I was clothed at this point. I heard my boyfriend and his cousin deciding how they were gonna perform sexual acts on me but I passed out and awoke naked and sore.

At 17 I was working in a nightclub and was sent to clean men's toilets while the pub was open I walked in to clean the toilet in a cubicle and a man stepped in behind me and held a needle to my throat saying if I screamed he would plunge the needle in. Luckily he was off his face and I managed to get out.

I often question why I have had such bad luck. Is it because I grew up in a very rough area where sexism is very high?
Is it because I was neglected by my mum?
Is it because I have bipolar and I am therefore vulnerable?
Or is it because I am doing something wrong?

Reading your post has made my heart break. Have any of these men been brought to justice or did you never tell anyone what happened to you?

I think that being vulnerable, and being unable to hide that, can attract people who will take advantage because they see you as an easier target.

Possibly being neglected by your mum has left you with little self esteem - again, another trait that can attract people wishing to take advantage.

Living in a rough area may mean that there are more of these types about.

However, none of it is your fault. What is your life situation like now, are you ok?

I don't think luck really comes into it but I think everyone tends to have patterns repeat in their lives until they are able to break out of it if you see what I mean. However, what has happened to you is truly awful and the men involved are despicable shits.

No charges were brought I was always called a slag so was very afraid to speak out for fear people would say I was asking for it.

It is only the last two years I have admitted it to close people DH is also a childhood abuse victim and has been very supportive. When I told him he said he already guessed as I display a lot of symptoms plus he said I talk about it in my sleep.

But he waited till I was ready to tell him.

That's good you have a partner who understands, he may well feel the same as you.

It's terrible you felt unable to report anything that happened to you but just know there is no way you were 'asking for it'. The most important thing is that you are safe now and that you continue to look after yourself. Do you have any counselling at all?

I suspect because of your horrific childhood experiences you found it hard to value you yourself and your first boyfriend unfortunately realised this and expoited you. I think your behaviour from then on is a natural response to feeling like noone cared ( i'm not trying to make you the cause of the situation, I very much see it as abusers seeing your vulnerability. )
ot turning you into the cause

I suspect because of your horrific childhood experiences you found it hard to value you yourself and your first boyfriend unfortunately realised this and expoited you. I think your behaviour from then on is a natural response to feeling like noone cared ( i'm not trying to make you the cause of the situation, I very much see it as abusers seeing your vulnerability. )

I'm really pleased that your current partner seems to understand and respect you. With their support hopefully you can put the past behind you and reclaim the woman you want to be.

Good luck x
ot turning you into the cause

Thanks both I have had two lots of counselling to deal with other things but I didn't feel ready to address this. But I am going to be starting another counselling course soon where I hope to address this.

Your posts do make sence and help me understand.

None of this was your fault, it was these vile scumbags.

Why you, because you was a vulunable person and these arsehole took advantage of that.

Thanks piperls that really does help I have been concerned for my two dds if I'm honest. I cried when they said I was having a daughter first time not because I didn't want a daughter but because I was scared she would suffer the same treatment.

Hopefully they will be less vulnerable than me and won't recieve the same treatment I did.