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Original poster

Intense social anxiety

16 replies

paintedfences · 10/10/2014 20:01

...just that really. I struggle with chatting - intense social anxiety, 30 years old FFS. Was late going to a work do - informal, just drinks - and had an awkward seat, got very anxious and had and awkward conversations where I couldn't think of a damn thing to say, faked not feeling very well and left. Now paranoia (though I am aware that yes, people do think I'm weird).

I just feel awful about myself. How is this even a problem? I'm 30 years old. I'm feeling like the most useless person in existence right now.

OP posts:
daisygatsby · 10/10/2014 20:05

I feel similarly. I often dread situations coming up..wondering in advance what I might talk to people about. And I often play over things I've said afterwards and cringe.

I think the best advice is to ask people questions about themselves. And afterwards, to remember hat nobody thinks about you anywhere near as much as you think they do.

And you are not alone

Original poster
paintedfences · 10/10/2014 20:05

I've just read this back and it sounded so stupid and small. I just really struggle. I don't know what to do. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
paintedfences · 10/10/2014 20:13

Thanks, daisy. That 'you are not alone' made me well up. I feel quite alone with it. XXX

OP posts:
daisygatsby · 10/10/2014 20:15

Ah. I don't know what else to say except that I think a lot of people probably aren't as confident as they seem.

Like me you are probably an introvert - there was a book written a couple of years ago abt being an introvert it was quite popular. It might help.

daisygatsby · 10/10/2014 20:17

It's called 'quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking ' by Susan Cain.

Disclaimer - I haven't read it !

ladyblablah · 10/10/2014 20:44

Can you explain what you are frightened of in social occasions?

E.g. Not being entertaining enough? Not being clever enough? People looking at your body in some judgemental way?
Anything that's springs to mind, see if you can spill it

Original poster
paintedfences · 10/10/2014 21:01

Lady - being considered weird, not fitting right, being rejected. I was sitting next to someone I have dealings with a lot and I could just feel this wave of 'oh god, I'm stuck with PF'. This is so much more humiliating than it sounds - I don't want to be that person. Particularly as the more self-conscious/anxious you get, the more obvious it is. I just hate myself for it - why can't I just be like 90% of people out there that don't get so stressed and insane about this kind of normal stuff? Why can't I just be normal?

I know I'm naturally introverted and a bit self-aware, but those qualities shouldn't take it into a pathological thing - I have to work around it so much, and it breaks my heart. I had really vicious bullying and humiliation in school from when I was about 9 up until about 15, so I know where the root of it is, but the thing is I don't know how to fix it. In fact I don't think it can be - you're stuck with yourself, aren't you? It's always going to be a problem. :( :(

I don't want to be this person any more. I'm so so so sick of struggling with it all - and it's something that other people do as naturally as breathing. And I was in a good mood before I went in, I hoped it would go well and be fun - beyond gutted.

OP posts:
lemonmarmalade · 10/10/2014 22:50

I can relate to every single thing you have written, I am exactly the same. The feelings of complete dread about the work Xmas do would start in July, 9 times out of 10 I would find an excuse not to go. I would feel sorry for whoever got stuck sitting next to me.

Things got really bad a year ago to the point that I left my long term job and haven't really managed to hold down a job since. I am happier out of the work environment but we are skint.

It is utterly exhausting.

I wish I had some helpful advice for you but I haven't had much success in overcoming it myself.

I worry myself sick that my kids will end up like me.

LittleMisslikestobebythesea · 10/10/2014 23:00

I completely understand, I am an introvert and suffer terribly with anxiety.

I overthink every conversation, and always think people will think I'm boring.

I relate to everything you say, I would love to be more confident, and normal :(

I don't like myself at all, but don't know how to change. I'm starting counselling next week for anxiety but feeling worried as have no idea what to expect!

foreverdepressed · 14/10/2014 10:38

I totally identify with you paintedfences. I'm nearly 30 and I can't even bring myself to say 'good morning' to people, it makes me feel quite pathetic.

I'm a student but I have no friends and I don't speak to anyone on my course, ever. I'm sure they must think I'm weird, heck even I think I'm weird.

I've tried CBT and every drug going with little improvement :(

lombardy · 14/10/2014 16:43

What are your physical symptoms when you get anxiety? Mine are heart beating really fast, sweating, feeling flushed, finding it hard to breathe and get words out etc.

ladyblablah · 15/10/2014 09:17

I think you are right...on a few things...but not all!
Bullying can have a horrendous effect on our self worth...and you have developed an inner (iceberg) belief that you are "not good enough".

Good enough to socialise. Good enough to entertain. Good enough to have conversation.

It comes out in every part of your life when you have this belief.

But the good news is you can change it. It is just a belief, and it's not true. I promise you are good enough.

Have a google of positive psychology to start off with. There's lots of stuff, but bear in mind your ultimate goal is to challenge this belief that you are not good enough.

NewName123 · 18/10/2014 14:03

AD have helped with my SA and I am now able to hold a bit of a conversation for a while. still hate it though

shadypines · 18/10/2014 20:50

Hi Painted you are most definitely not alone with this anxiety! Far from it. MY DH (he's 43 now) is very much like you. I have bought him a copy of the book that has been mentioned 'Quiet:The Power of Introverts in a World that can't stop Talking' (available on Amazon) he says he's finding it very helpful so it may be worth you taking a look at it.

I don't really have any great advice, I am quite like this myself but not as much as DH so I do understand. Like another poster said I am sure other people do not analyse us even a fraction of how much we analyse ourselves, they are not going to notice a lot of the things we think they might notice. Plus, if the world was full of loud extroverts I'm sure we'd all go crazy with the noise and mayhem, just one in a group can be plenty IMO!!

TongueBiter · 18/10/2014 20:59

I'll hold my hand up to locking myself in the loo and crying out of sheer panic at a works Christmas lunch a couple of years ago. It's a horrible feeling.

I don't think social anxiety always equates to being an introvert though. It's a common misunderstanding that introverts can't do the whole social thing - it's more a case that we don't feel the need to. We recharge our batteries from being alone as opposed to being surrounded with people.

Counselling can definitely help you with social anxiety and overthinking. (This from someone who used to get cold sweats from walking across the carpark at work, thinking everyone was watching me!) You can learn how to not give a damn!

Tash43 · 21/12/2019 08:41

Christmas is round the corner & I'm already worrying about the family gatherings & am feeling overwhelmed with dread and anxiety. I'm always hoping my social anxiety will get better or just go away but recently I feel it's getting worse (I'm now 43). Id love to know if others feel the same & have you been able to cure it. I'm just at the stage of being totally fed up with it & want to enjoy my life

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