I have bipolar 1. I have been admitted in the past but as they have closed so many psychiatric units this episode even though I was more ill they refused to admit me.
I am a childhood sexual abuse victim and as a result of that and bipolar when manic I tend to believe God is talking to me. When I hear him speak he says that I must sleep with rapists peadophilles and abusive men. That once I do my blood is poison and the man if he is unholy will be punished.
On my last episode God also instructed me to take drugs.
So I became a drug addict(clean now).
I told DH all of this before we got together as I wanted him to know what he was letting himself in for.
Over the last year I have slept with a dealer for drugs. I slept with a very abusive man often coming home covered in bruises. i also started sexting people and found someone I suspected of peadophilla and the voices told me to trick him into admitting a crime. He was also into Sado masochism and admitted he found kids attractive. Over skype in order to gain his trust I started acting out some of his Sado masochistic fantasies. Want to make it clear I never even spoke to him about my dc for fear.
Now that episode is over and I have told dh everything. I was crying my eyes out and vomiting. He just held me when I wanted him to scream and shout and walk away. But he said he is just grateful I wasn't seriously hurt physically.
I told crisis team everything while it was happening repeatedly and begged them to admit me but they wouldn't. It was a mixed episode so I had moments where I was depressed and could think a bit clearer.
These memories will haunt me forever and I am physically scared from the things I did for these abusive men some injuries required hospital treatment.
I love my dh very much but how can I ever make this right? How can I ever sleep again when everytime I do memories come flooding back.