Please help me...........what direction do I go in?

[sweetteamum]

I'm a carer for both my children. 1 has ASD and the other has pda and adhd. Asd child is now very settled. However my other child is melting down on a daily basis. Is very aggressive, attacks us and very rarely does as asked.

My Dad recently died and I'm having a dreadful time moving forward. I keep looking for him when I go out. I desperately want to see him. He was found at home after being there a little while. I've got terrible feelings of guilt and loss that I can't describe.

I feel at the end of my tether and like I've got nowhere else to go. I do not have any thoughts to harm myself but I wish I'd get taken so I can be out of the pain. I just want to be with Dad.

I've explained all this to my gp over the last couple of months and today she's suggested that maybe I need to have a mental health assessment with a psychiatrist. This is on top of an appointment with open mind for grief counselling.

I'm terrified I'll be taken away from my children or they'll get taken off me. Can this happen. I feel very vulnerable.

Sorry it's long and any help appreciated.

Oh sweettea PLEASE stop worrying about your children being taken from you. I am a retired social worker/manager - a career spanning some 30 years, mostly in a LA Children's Services Dept. I can assure you absolutely that social workers do not request that a court give permission for a child to be removed from their parents unless it can be proven that the children are suffering significant harm and in your case there would be no question of the children being removed. So please put that out of your head - you have enough to worry you without any more pressure.

So sorry that you are missing your dad so much and it is inevitable that you are going to be grieving for him, and this takes "as long as it takes" really. Usually when we grieve for a loved one the emotions come over us in "waves" and we feel terribly sad, bereft and sometimes inconsolable. This is all very natural, and you won't ever "get over" your dad's death but over time, the pain will lessen, and I think the old adage "time heals" is partly true - "heals" suggests we "get better" - yes the emotional scar heals but the feelings of loss underneath the scar can be re-activated by certain things at any given time. I don't know if you know about the stages of grieving, but the first one is usually denial, in that we can't really believe our loved one is dead and we are never going to see them again, and this often gives rise to looking for them when we are out, and sometimes following someone as we are convinced it's who we want it to be and of course it never is........it's completely normal to do this and to feel the way you do.

Just when you are feeling so vulnerable you have the added pressure of coping with your 2 children with special needs, and this must be so difficult for you. Sorry I don't know what pda is........but your child's "meltdowns" must be very wearing for you.

Has the GP referred you for grief counselling - this can help a lot as we usually want to just talk about our loved one, about his life, the sort of person he was, how he died and how we feel bereft without him. Don't worry if you cry during these sessions - tears can be very useful as they can ease some of the tension.

I'm not sure why your GP is referring you to a psychiatrist as they would normally prescribe an anti-depressant if you had symptoms of moderate to severe depression, but maybe she's just one of those GPs that likes to cross all the i's and dot all the t's - so I don't think you need worry about the referral.

Are you a single parent - do you have any RL support. If anything social services should really be offering you some support with the children, but I think this might not be forthcoming as they are overwhelmed with work (on a national basis) and can barely cope with child protection work, let alone offering support to people like yourself. It might be worth asking, as they may be able to offer you some respite care whilst you are so vulnerable.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Sometimes I just feel I'm taking too much of people's time.

I've been referred for grief counselling and have the initial assessment on Friday.

The children are the reason I get up and I'm just terrified im going to be classed a danger to them. My mind is working overtime.

I keep looking for Dad, but never see him. I just keep expecting him to come round the corner just as I'm looking.

I have been to the Dr again today. This time it was my own Dr. She didn't mention the mental health assessment at all. I'm currently on venlafaxine and amitriptyline. The venlafaxine has been increased only yesterday.

I'm married any my dh is very supportive and understanding. We don't have any help with the children. I don't want to say the situation as I may out myself.

We are waiting for social services to go to panel for support but the Dr believes I need something urgently, as you have to wait for everything.

Pda is a form of autism and I hate it. My poor DS explodes most of the time. And when he's not, he's usually low in mood.

I just feel I'm in the awful dream and can't get out.

I really do appreciate your time though. So thank you.