Feel like I can't cope anymore

[Loveisashadow]

I used to post here under a different username, but because of my mental health ended up falling out with loads of people because I was being an idiot.
In January thus year, my Grandfather died. I finished my degree, but had depression throughout. In May, I became really unwell and had a psychotic episode. My CPN thinks it might be psychotic depression, have to wait to see the Doctor for an assessment.
I had a part time job, but lost it in July because of being ill. I had home treatment for 2 months and my Dd went to live with friends.
When she came back, her Dad took me to court to gain contact, as I'd stopped it due to his drinking in April.
We arranged for contact at a contact centre. He never made it because he was taken in to hospital after house fire, and on the 25th September, he died.I went to visit him and have helped arrange his funeral as he had no family.
My dd has become a handful, she's cheeky, answering back, really aggressive and shouting at me constantly. I'm slowly loosing patience, even though I know it's not her fault. The house is a tip and I'm trying so hard to sort it all out, just can't seem to get on top of it. I'm in lots of debt, slowly sorting that, and have started freelancing again, in little bits. But I don't have any money, I owe mist of my friends and I just can't seem to drag myself out of this exhausting depress ion. I have no family around, nothing. It is hard enough for me to get up in the morning and I still have some psychosis, even though 3 weeks ago my setraline was upped to 150mg. I self harmed today because I was looking at part time jobs and it freaked me out. I just can't carry on like this. I feel like a creature from the underworld, just surviving from day to day. I don't know how to get out of this, or show much more I can take before I snap. Thanks fir reading, I know it's long.

weren't being an idiot - you were ill

Is your SH ok - clean? dressed? Does it need looking at? Try not to dwell on the fact it happened - look forward - not back. (I know it's easier to say than do - been there so many times)

Can you contact your CPN and tell them how you are feeling? It may be that you could access some additional support on a temporary basis.

How old is dd? If she is under 5 you could ask the charity Home Start to match you with a volunteer. They can really make a difference - mine saved my life - and that is no exaggeration. If not, is there a family liaison officer at dd school? They can be a good source of support and information.

Most of all, be kind to yourself - you have had a really hard year, give yourself a break. Keep talking xx

DD is nearly 7. I don't cut myself because it would get noticed. I won't detail what I do in case it's triggering, but I do done thing that hurts and doesn't leave marks. I'm not sure about family liaison. Am dreading parents evening on Wednesday and graduation in two weeks, just hate being outside and ppl looking at me and everything, I feel as though I don't deserve to be here.

You do deserve to be here - and your dd deserves to have her mum with her. It might not feel like it, but she couldn't manage without you.

I know how awful it feels - genuinely. It's been a while since I harmed, but it's never far from the surface. No details needed - that feeling you get before & then after, is so tremendously difficult.

At parents evening, put on your best brave face and go and hear how your dd is doing - be proud - you get her to school, she is clothed and fed - many children don't have that.

Have you sorted something to wear for graduation - I find forward planning for things like this helps - get your day organised -travel, clothes etc. Do you have someone to go with you? If not, there will be people there from your course who you can talk to.

I know it feels like you are under the microscope - but that feeling comes from the illness, that worry that people are looking at you and judging you. They are not - honestly.

How is your day looking today?

Are you claiming ESA? or on JSA? or declaring s/e and paying NI and getting Tax Credits? As your illness seems to have changed, I think you could claim ESA if you haven't done so - but check with the CAB.

I am busy writing exams and the results that you got despite being so very ill at the time is an inspiration to me. Of course you deserve to here. Just because you're ill it doesn't mean you have less value as a human being.

I'm getting esa at the minute, silvery, though I need to declare a 2 hour workshop I did to come off my benefits. The pay wasn't much, but it was more about the experience, to be honest. My cpn says she knows how to do the declaration, as I've nor been put in either group yet (assessment must be so on, though). It was just a one off thing as part of a project, I did the occasional thing like that at uni. I have no energy at all today, in pain and so irritable. I shouted at my degree, absolutely unheard of for me, because her behaviour and aggression are getting too much. Even basic stuff like doing the housework wears me out. I keep thinking I should be recovered by now, most depression only lasts 6 months doesn't it? Last night, I was having odd thoughts and again today; part of the problem is that they are delusions in part, but because they are caused by depress ion, I keep my insight. That means I go around in circles trying to figure out what's wrong with me and why I'm experiencing what I am, and just ending up spiralling with no answer.