Calm on the outside. Inside... not so much

[PourquoiTuGachesTaVie]

I'm having a bad day today (and it's only quarter past 8!).

Little bit of background; had a bad time with depression and anxiety just over a year ago due to the unexpected death of a parent. I got better, maybe not totally better but I was ok, thanks to some counselling sessions and a couple of months on ads.

Skip to now and I'm 32 weeks pregnant with a 4 year old. Anxiety levels have been creeping up on me but seem to have hit a peak in the last couple of weeks. I do not want to let ds out of my sight. I'm restraining myself as I still have to send him to school, and he had a sleepover with his aunt last weekend but I struggled through that tbh.

Today ds is supposed to be staying with mil overnight. It was supposed to be all day today too but I couldn't do it and cancelled the event I was due to go to. So that's issue number 1. I don't want him to go tonight but can't get out of it without making a fool of myself and showing myself to be completely unreasonable.

Then this morning I had to make dh take my car to work as mil is using dh's car today and left dh with her rust bucket pile of scrap new car as he agreed to check it over for her yesterday (he's a mechanic, verdict was the car is shit and will be returned however mil said she desperately needed to use dhs car today). This left dh in the position where he would have had to drive to work in this weather in a car I don't trust so I made him take my car. He's annoyed with me as he thinks I'm being ridiculous but I was on the verge of tears and insisted he didn't drive MILs car. Aside from all the stress this is causing me I'm now stuck inside the house with ds all day - I may be able to make it to the park later but I can't walk far at the moment without crippling myself the next day due to pelvic/back pain. I know for a fact being stuck inside is not good for me mentally from past experience.

Finally, I'm having stupid obsessive thoughts about the new car tax rules and MILs new car just because it's sitting outside my house and I want nothing to do with it. I'm trying not to let this bother me but it's niggling. She hasn't followed the rules and it's affecting me. Stupid I know. I feel so ridiculous and unreasonable.

So I've got that off my chest and I'm hoping I can calm down a bit now. I have an appointment to see the Dr on Tuesday because I can't carry on like this anymore. I just need to make it to Tuesday. And I'm trying not to think about how I'm going to deal with having to go to work on Monday in this state.

Hmm I'm definitely not pregnant with a 4 year old... I have a 4 year old and I'm pregnant. Perfect example of why it's important to use grammar correctly.

You need to see you MW. Have you had a referral to the mental health MW? IME they are very understanding.

Skim read so sorry if I missed it but are you on anything for the anxiety/depression? If you are then the medication becomes less effective the bigger you get due to blood volumes. If you aren't I would definitely go and see your GP and talk about AD's. I had them for all three pregnancies throughout and they made a huge difference.

If you don't think you can make it to Tuesday speak to your community MW and try and get an emergency appointment.

((hugs)) anxiety and pregnancy are shit

Thanks for replying. I'm not on any medication at the moment. I also haven't said anything to my mw about how I'm feeling yet. It's all been escalating in the last couple of weeks and I thought I could get over it. It's hit home this morning how bad it is.

Ask for a mental health referral to a specialised midwife if there is one. Do you think you can manage until Tuesday? If necessary they can move you under consultancy care, the knowledge of mental health in pregnancy and GP's can be really patchy IME.

I had one ask me "do you realise you are putting you baby at risk with the AD's?" Concerning I was more aware of the minimal risks than he was (and that's first trimester they wouldn't apply to you) and also a suicidal mother was probably more of a risk to the baby idiot

If you don't feel you are getting the support you need from your GP there are other avenues open.

Thank you for your advice and for talking to me, I really appreciate it.

I don't want to tell my midwife today. I want to lock myself away safely in the house with ds and not have to deal with the outside world. The appointment I cancelled today was an ante natal class and I said there were childcare issues (which is true, but they were MY issues with having someone else look after him, not that I couldn't find anyone to do it). I feel kind of ashamed that I'm going to have to tell the mw all of this.

So I'm planning on telling her on Monday, gp appointment on Tuesday and my next mw appointment is on Wednesday anyway. Until then I'm just going to try and calm down enough to pluck up the courage to ring the mw on Monday.

Ds is at MILs. I feel physically sick with worry but dh knows and is being understanding about it all. God knows how I'm going to sleep tonight.

How did you get on? You need to remember the anxiety is making you irrational. It's not your fault,. its just that your brain chemistry has altered and you can't control it yourself anymore than you can make a broken leg heal faster.

Be kind to yourself x

I've just made an appointment with the GP for 10.30 today. I can't wait until tomorrow.

Good. How has it gone?

The appointment was fine (thought I was going to have a funny turn in the waiting room though!). Signed off for 3 weeks, which means no work until mat leave starts, blood tests booked to make sure things like the heart palpitations are because of the anxiety and not because of any underlying conditions. She talked about medication but she said we'll see how taking the pressure of work off me and sorting some counselling works before prescribing medication, which I'm ok with. I felt the counselling was incredibly valuable last time (which is why I find it helpful to post on here I suppose).

I also rang my midwife who was really nice and she is going to arrange for me to see the mental health team and have a long chat with me at my next appointment on Wednesday.

I don't know why but I don't expect people to be nice when I explain about the anxiety/depression so it always surprises me when they are! I feel like I could sleep for a week now!

That all sounds great. Thankfully I think there is a much more awareness around it as an issue now and as such more sympathy.

Fingers crossed you get it all sorted