I should know better by now how to spot the signs. Not wanting to communicate, inertia and not listening to what people are saying. The penny dropped on Monday when I had an almost identical conversation with my GP to the one I had before I last had a major relapse, but I've been doing my best to ignore it until today when it suddenly feels like my life has crashed down around me.
I'm under an exceptional amount of stress at the moment, which doesn't help, but the feelings of dread and utter hopelessness have taken my breath away today. I feel so unutterably lousy I can't describe it any more than that.
I'm still having the internal battle about whether I'm ill or not, but while I've still got hold of some insight, I need to do something about it. I'm just buggered if I know what.
On Monday the GP asked if I wanted to be referred to crisis, but since they'd just refer me back to the CCTT, I didn't see the point. I did try to call my CareCo this afternoon, but she was in a meeting and it's pointless talking to the duty officer as they'll just ask me what they can do to help, which I don't know, and what can I do to distract myself which is plenty, but the feelings of doom and desperation aren't going anywhere.
Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger. God this thing flips from bearable to defcon danger so bloody fast.