Considering throwing in the towel in the future

[DrSethHazlittMD]

Not talking about this very minute or tomorrow or this week, but just increasingly coming to the conclusion that I don't want to be here beyond another 12 months or so.

I keep myself hugely busy, do things that I enjoy, but they simply aren't enough. I am fed up being alone. I have no siblings, just my parents (whom I am not overly close to) and once they have gone it will just be me. I have friends but it just isn't the same as having family or someone you love to wake up with every morning.

I turned 40 this year, have been single for over four years, haven't been on date in three years. I am involved in lots of clubs but never seem to meet any single women there or at work etc. Online dating for two years ended up making me realise my potential pool of partners was tiny and that I should probably just accept I'm going to be on my own.

I had depression some years ago, so know when I am on a downer and I'm not. I've not burst into tears and I do enjoy things when I am doing them, but the constant going out in groups and being the lone singleton and always going home on my own, and not having a special someone to share things with just makes it all seem hollow and empty.

I don't want children, never have, which is why my potential pool is so tiny. I can't help that. I accept it. But it doesn't get any easier when you see so many men who treat women like crap have no difficulty finding partners. All my female friends say I have so much to offer, treat people well, am interesting and "if only you would change your mind about kids, you'd have no problem". Well I can't, no more than I would expect a woman to change her mind about wanting them. I don't want to be a step parent, it's just not "in me". I have a goddaughter (which is why I am on MN, I find it useful) and she thinks I am the bees knees but that's as far as I can go.

I've just got to a point now where I can see me deciding to end it all because I don't want to carry on being so fucking lonely.

Sorry, needed to get that out.

sometimes being lonely is nicer.
you can do what ever you want whenever you want.
maybe more close friendship can help.
and more satisfying things to do might help you feel happier.

Sorry, bluebell, that's really a load of rubbish. Sometimes it is nice to be on your own, of course it is, but it's not nice to be LONELY. Totally different things.

I've already said, I have friends, some of them very, very close indeed, but that is clearly not the same as being in a relationship. I actually don't have time to see all my friends as often as I might want, so more close friends is not what I need. It's all very well doing whatever you want whenever you want, but it's nice to have someone to do those things with, isn't it?

It's like one friend who said to me "I am so jealous of you, I loved being single, doing what I wanted when I wanted, being single is great!" So I asked her when she was going to leave her husband if being single was much better. Oddly enough, she shut up.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I understand to some extent. There are women who don't want children. Are there any dating sites or companies specifically for people who want to stay child free? There are ones that have actual humans doing the matching, although of course they cost more. Would be worth a try? You do sound as if you have a lot to give and I'm sure there's a woman out there would be the perfect one for you and vice versa. The trouble is finding her. Keep going. Very much hope it all works out.

Emily thank you for that. There are no real dating sites for the childfree. Every now and again someone tries to set one up but it always fails because we're such a small group, comparatively. I remember on one, there were only about 50 UK people on it, 47 of whom were men and the nearest of the three women was 175 miles away!

I was told some while ago that I would basically just have to "suck it up" and wait until I was late-40s, as by then there would be a bigger pool to pick from as there would be women in their 40s who had wanted kids but had missed the boat and would now consider me whereas they wouldn't now. Which was nice. I want someone who wants to be with me for me, not settle for me because they couldn't get what they want. The idea that I have another 7 years of singledom? Not for me, I'll get off the ship long before that.

I did look at a dating agency but it was ridiculously expensive and when I enquired, even they told me I would be wasting my money because they seldom met women in their 30s/40s who either didn't already have or didn't want children.

I'm really sorry, that all really sucks, to borrow an americanism.

I don't know what to suggest. Does your work throw you in the way of any single women? Would you consider travelling or working abroad for a length of time? My bil didn't want children, he met his now partner on one of those charity expedition thingies, building houses in a jungle. I don't know if that's your kind of thing, it isn't mine, but it might be yours? The thing is to maximise the number of people you meet. But i guess you know that. It must be very hard to keep going with it. I really feel for you. You sound like one of life's good ones.

Might be worth posting on a different board within mumsnet? I come on mental health cos I've been there if you see what I mean, but you might get some more ideas elsewhere on here. All best wishes.

Emily you're very kind. I am out most nights of the week doing something or other with or without friends. Never any problem making more, just hard to fit them in without excluding the others (don't mean that in a stealth boast way). Single women seem to be a distinct minority and when they do come along, 80% of them already have kids and when you gently sound out the other 20%, they all want them.

I've done all the usual advice - try new groups, new hobbies, salsa dancing, online dating, making sure friends know I am "looking and available". The only thing I haven't done is move away or get a new job, although I have thought about this. But huge risk. Here I have the support network and a job I am good at and make a difference with. Part of me says I should move but I hang on in there because of my friends. Without them, I think I would throw in the towel much sooner. And jobs in my field hard to come by anyway.

I tried counselling for a while to try and learn how to accept my lot and that this is how it will be but it's very hard to not look into the future and see 10, 20, 30, 40 years of the same. I think I set more store on finding someone because of the lack of family. Ah well.

Yes, i absolutely see. You're doing all the right things. And i see your point about moving away being a big risk, away from your friends. "They" say you find someone when you've stopped looking. Maybe that will come true. It happened to me.

Please try posting on the more general boards. Maybe someone will even know someone. Take care of yourself

Dr Seth - in my rush to be understanding, I neglected to say please don't kill yourself. So I'll say it now. Please don't kill yourself. There was a time when it made perfect sense to me too, but it doesn't now and I'm so glad I didn't do anything. You've said you have very close friends and both your parents - you are loved. You've said your job makes a difference. These are reasons to live. Even if you didn't have those things, all life is precious. You are precious. Can you think of your friends as family? Doesn't have to be blood-related.

I expect you've thought of it but have you been to your gp to see if you are depressed? Your whole perspective might change with the right medication. I really thought I was seeing the world accurately when I was depressed but I wasn't - it was all through a distorting prism. There is no shame in taking them, they are not addictive and they are not forever. Forgive me if this is unneccessary advice. Thinking of you. Please answer so I know you've read it even if I'm way off the mark.

I was told some while ago that I would basically just have to "suck it up" and wait until I was late-40s, as by then there would be a bigger pool to pick from as there would be women in their 40s who had wanted kids but had missed the boat and would now consider me whereas they wouldn't now. Which was nice. I want someone who wants to be with me for me, not settle for me because they couldn't get what they want.

I don't think you should be offended by that, after all you aren't prepared to alter your plan not to have children in order to be with someone, you can't imagine doing that because you want them for who they are. So I think women not wanting to prioritise you over their desire for children is the same thing, and not a sign that they won't really love you or commit to you at a different stage of life.

The other thing to consider is that women who are not looking to have children due to age, or who have already raised their children (so you wouldn't be a 'live-in' stepdad if that makes any difference), do exist now. You don't have to wait until you are in your late 40s or your 50s to date a woman who is. If women took that attitude there would be many more single women!

Also, many children of single women still have their biological father alive/in the picture, and it may be that you could be a step dad without taking on all the responsibilities you might associate with that. You wouldn't be replacing their dad. I am sorry if that isn't something you'd be interested in as you've probably already thought long and hard about this, but just thought I'd suggest it. It might just be that if you got to know someone and 'fit in' with the family set up, even if not move in, things might go better in reality than in a hypothetical sense. It could be that ending things before they begin based on whether people have children doesn't allow the time for who people are and how you feel about each other to become a factor.

I think it is very good you've not strung any woman who wanted children along with false promises though. I am a bit surprised that you've not been able to find anyone who wants the same as you, but please don't give up. I'm sorry you've been feeling so low.

How are you doing OP? You do sound depressed to be honest, I know it isn't the same as before, and it may be a natural reaction to your situation, but getting counselling and/or taking meds may get you through it. From what you say you have a lot going for you and the chance for other areas of your life to improve is huge.

I tried counselling for a while to try and learn how to accept my lot and that this is how it will be but it's very hard to not look into the future and see 10, 20, 30, 40 years of the same. I think I set more store on finding someone because of the lack of family.

I'm not sure that 'accepting your lot' should really be the goal of counselling. Also, I am genuinely interested, but understand if you don't want to explain - you are obviously very aware of the importance of family, but you are definite about not creating a family for yourself or for any future partner. I am not saying that there is necessarily a contradiction there, I can think of many reasons why you might feel that way. Still, it is interesting.