Why can't I believe I'm loved?

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This will be a long story so i will try and keep it short as possible.

Growing up I always felt as though my mother hated me, at 8 she confirmed it by telling me she did. Thing went rapidly downhill from there, she treated me like a was nothing and didn’t deserve to be loved. At 15 I attempted to overdose and no one noticed for three days. It obviously didn’t work, I woke up the next morning throwing up like mad and on Monday went to school as normal.
My sister found my suicide note that morning though (on Monday, it had been under my pillow and she went to get my bedding for a wash). She called my school thinking that I had done something that day and I was taken to the hospital and kept in overnight. When my step father came to collect me I was told to apologise to my mother when we got home. I’ll never be able to describe the pain of having to tell her how selfish and stupid I was for feeling that worthless and unloved that I had wanted my life to end. A few weeks later she kicked me out just after my 16th.

From there I met my children’s father and was with him for almost three years but no matter what he did I couldn’t believe he loved me. I was diagnosed with post natal depression, it drove a massive wedge between us (as well as a lot of other stuff going on in our relationship).

We split up and I brought my two children up on my own. I couldn’t bond properly with my daughter, though I show her so much love and affection. I get angry with her easily but do my best not to let her see as it’s not her that I’m actually angry with. Neither of them see the side of me that isn’t happy or loving or caring, I never want them to see that either.

Lately things have begun to slip. They get moody and shout that they hate me, and I believe it. It doesn’t matter that I know logically they’re just upset, I believe they don’t love me. I don’t believe anyone does and I can’t understand why, and I’m so desperate to be loved.
I’ll start councelling soon but the waiting list is 6 months and I just feel like I'm losing control now.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fill this empty hole inside me. I want to be loved so badly and even though there are some people (my children, dp, sister and uncle) that love me, I just don't believe it. Why would they if my own parents wouldn't?

That is a heartbreaking story. I am sorry that you were so badly let down by your Mum. It is not surprising that after that sort of treatment you don't feel loveable, despite the fact, that you obviously are. It sounds like you have done amazingly well with your own children. I hope the counselling comes up soon, and helps you to realise that you are as loveable as anyone else.

Thanks Flexibility, I was feeling pretty down last night, feel a bit embarrassed about it this morning tbh. Don't usually let my feelings get the better of me :s it's just all come to a head recently and I feel a bit swamped, could be a lack of sleep and rushing around with everything after the fright I had with my ds being in hospital over the weekend (he's home now, just a chest/throat and ear infection). That coupled with both dc being moody sods and shouting that they hate me because they're not getting their own way, falling out with my dp and no contact with the rest of my family for a while has made things seem more highlighted. It's a feeling that never leaves but the past few months things have been going pretty well and now it just seems like everything has spiraled and everyday situations aren't being coped with properly which makes me feel like I'm failing in some way.

Had a good cry last night, slept in this morning til 8 with the dc (and was nearly late for the school run!) Went for a long walk and I feel a bit better now. But thank you for your kind words, it's means a lot

Don't be embarrassed. It sounds like you had the weekend from hell. I'm not surprised everything got to you after all that! Glad to hear you were feeling better yesterday. I hope today is a good one!

fantastic that you're on the waiting list for counselling!

have you considered family therapy with your mum?
It may help you both understand each other more and work out why you both have the feelings that you do.