Sinking

[acenamechange]

I have been under a lot of pressure for a long time. I have a demanding job as an academic, two children, long commute, various family issues (minor compared to what many people here have to deal with though). I am so tired and more and more worried that I am unable to do my job well enough.

I feel trapped and alone. Sometimes I am okay, but other times I feel so low that I wish my heart would stop beating.

I have just returned from a conference and had an all nighter on a grant application on Tuesday, which has not helped. When I was writing the grant, I was so desperate and exhausted that at times, I could barely see a minute ahead.

I am sinking and I don't know what to do.

If you are reaching out on here something isn't right. Try and talk to your GP you sound burned out or depressed. Try and rest x

Thank you for replying.

Is there the tiniest chance of a Break if speak to HR and arrange something ? Hugs x

You really need a break. I'm sure your GP would sign you off for a week or two to give yourself some breathing space. Your life sounds really hectic, I would find it hard to cope with all that

Thank you all so much. It is nice just to have somewhere to get stuff out. It would be difficult to have a break right now, as it is almost term time. But on the other hand, I don't see that I can really carry on as things are.

Also, the house is a tip, children don't have the right kit, school letters aren't getting signed, tax return isn't done etcetc . I am overwhelmed and this does not seem survivable.

I guess that having time off work is a bit 'out of frying pan, into the fire' in that I would end up having to deal with everything here with the additional worry of what is happening at work in my absence. There does not seem to be any escape.

Well what if you took a week off with the goal of sorting out everything at home. Write a list of everything, tax return included, that needs to be done, divide the list into 5 and spend the mornings ticking things off your list for that day. Then hopefully at the end of the week you'll have done enough to relieve the pressure at home but not too much extra will have accumulated at work.

In the long term though, do you have enough support? Can you rope in some help from family, or pay for it, just so you don't feel so overwhelmed?

No one is indispensable ace and your body and mind are telling you they are overworked/overwhelmed and you need to take heed of that. I'm not sure if you are thinking you might be on the brink of mental illness as you have posted here - or maybe you have suffered in this way before - I don't know. The thing is IF you are heading for some sort of depression/anxiety (or indeed some other mental health issue) it isn't just going to go away, and the longer you try to battle on, the worse it could get. Then you might find that you need to take much longer off work than if you try to nip this in the bud now.

It sounds like you just have too much on your plate to be honest. Are you a single parent - if not what contribution is your DH/DP making. Agree with Milk - could you not buy in some help to get the house cleaned - tidied - washing/ironing done.

I think you should see a GP and tell him/her what symptoms you are having and take it from there..........lots of support here.

thank you all. Typing out how I feel, brings home that something needs to change. I haven't ever had a formal diagnosis of depression or anxiety, but I have had some bad patches before. The thing that is tricky is that sometimes I feel okay, but then quite suddenly, I am very very low. I am also sleeping so badly (getting to sleep at midnight and awake by 2 or 3), which probably makes me more volatile.

I will try to see my gp, but getting routine appointments is difficult. I can't get time off work so close to teh start of term, but could perhaps get signed off for a few days.

Thanks also for the practical suggestions. I do have a DH, who does a lot (cooking, ferrying DCs around, DIY etc). But he does not really notice the messy house. We also have not been getting on very well lately and he does not 'get' this sort of emotional problem.

Thanks again for the support. It is so nice to be able to let some of this out without being judged

I agree with seeing the GP and wouldn't feel bad about taking an emergency appointment as its having an effect on your day to day living. You'd be surprised how depressed you can be and still function (my diagnosis was a huge surprise as I thought I was a bit down).

In the interim maybe try three lists:

1. Urgent
2. need to do
3. would be nice to get sorted. Put things on them and try and tackle one thing off list 1 and 2 every day. This lets your DH help too as you can both see what needs to be tackled. It can also help with the feeling overwhelmed.

Fluctuations in mood are the "nature of the beast" for many people with depression and anxiety - certainly true for me. I can go to bed feeling fine and wake up feeling shite. Problems with sleep are a common symptom of depression and anxiety.

Please try to see your GP as you still seem to be havering about this. You might be interested to know that approx. one third of all GP consultations are mental health related. Most GPs have a check list of symptoms and they will ask you whether you experience/feel these things "all the time" /"some of the time"/"rarely"/"never" (or something like this anyway, but sleep problems are definitely on the list.

You may well end up bursting into tears and GPs are very used to this and it shows them how you feel. Make sure you see a good GP and maybe book a double appointment. GPs are extremely well paid and you shouldn't feel bad about needing to see them. You say you "can't" take time off but you really mean "won't" - sorry to be a bit of a nag but I think you need to get some help now, before you get any worse.

Hmm I know men aren't usually in tune with our emotional needs. Have you talked to him about how you feel or are you just holding it all in, knowing he won't be sympathetic. Is there anyone in RL in whom you can confide?

Thanks. I will ring the gp today. It is interesting what you say about fluctuating moods. Normally I am quite even and calm. I just hope, for the sake of my dcs and group (people I manage at work) that Incan go back to that.

I have got people I am close to in RL, but they are at work. I dont want this to 'get out', as it were. I did try talking to dh - sort of. It isn't so much that he is unsympathetic, as bewildered.

Thanks again. I can't tell you how much it means to have people somewhere on the internet who care enough to listen.

Glad you are seeing the GP ace - let us know how you get on. I know what you mean about people being "bewildered" about mental health stuff. The thing is there is nothing to see with depression/anxiety, no plaster cast or bandages or hacking cough etc. I firmly believe that it is only people who have experienced mental illness at first hand can truly understand it. Also it is very difficult to try to explain to others just how bad it can feel. It is different for all of us of course, but it's a very distressing illness, made worse by the fact that people don't understand it. The fluctuations are the biggest puzzle for me, but I know this is typical in this particular illness.

I think the sooner you get some help/support the sooner you will start to get better. It's interesting that you say you don't want this to "get out" and I think that's because there is still a big stigma around mental illness even though it will affect 1 in 4 people at sometime in their lifespan. Organisations like MIND and RE-THINK are trying to change people's attitudes to mental illness, but I'm not sure there will be much success. I don't want anyone (other than DP and a couple of close women friends) to see me on bad days and hate my adult children and grandchildren to see me (well they don't really because I hide away so they can't see me)

You might be interested in the VILLAGE thread. It was started a few years ago and has been running ever since. People drop in and out of course but there is SO much support on there, so you might like to have a look at it and everyone is made welcome.

Please see your GP. If you feel so low that you have recently wished you were dead then I can't imagine that is normal for you. Depression is horribly insidious, and you deserve to have a proper assessment. You must be very tenacious struggling on whilst feeling so awful.

There are various physical things that can contribute to depression ( eg thyroid being over or under active, anaemia, hormonal changes etc )that are easily treated.

Waking early in the morning and not being able to get back to sleep can be a symptom of depression. Antidepressants can work well when there are so-called biological symptoms of depression. There are various self-assessment questionnaires, and whilst no substitute for a professional, might give you more of an idea if whether you are depressed or burnt - out. Either way, no shame in taking time off. Most GPs are good at recognising depression or other mental health conditions but it's easier for them if a spouse can give a history too of how you may be different to you usual self.

Hope that's helpful and that you get the help you need and start feeling better soon,