Don't know how much more I can take

[Loveisashadow]

Don't want to drip feed, don't want to post loads eithier.

This year, my Grandfather died when I was finishing my degree. Am single Mum to one dd, 7. I developed severe depression, was self-harming and suicidal. I then had a psychotic episode for 2 months. My dd went to live with friends. I still have some psychotic stuff going on (though not as bad), somatic pain and struggling to cope on my own. My dd is living with me now. I have very little support, no family around.

My ex p is a drinker. He took me to court for access to dd a month ago.
On Tuesday, he was in a house fire caused by a lit cigarette. He's in critical care with a machine helping him to breathe. They can't wake him up. I've been to see him. He has no next of kin. I've been trying to help.

Everyone thinks I'm faking my depression and psychotic stuff. But I'm not. The DR thinks my depression is causing it, and it coming and going because my ad's have started working. They say I manage it well. I'm on setraline 100mg, upping to 150mg next week. I confuse people because I managed to do so much when I was unwell, and because my psychosis is a bit strange. My CpN says I manage it well- and that some if it is me overthinking, which helps me to stop my panic and see things logically. But I still see things (used to hear voices, but mainly gone now, I'm pleased about that). I get weird paranoid thinking.

I was suicidal this week.I've been self-harming Then I found out about the fire. All of my friends are fed up of me. Everyone from University is doing Masters and everything else. I got on to a PhD but deffered.

I'm stuck here with everyone thinking I'm lying, single Mum on benefits, struggling with no money at all, with depression and trying to get over everything on my own. No-one believes me and I feel like I'm living in absolute hell where I can barely take another day.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm a psychopath who makes stuff up for attention. Maybe I'm really ill and I just keep going because I HAVE to and there's no-one to help. Everywhere I turn, I'm stuck.

I feel like giving up.

So sorry to read this. You absolutely MUST get some counselling to help you process this. Please call your cpn or doctor.

My CpN is coming tommorw. I'm thinking some counselling for my dd as well, but not too soon. I think she needs time and then counselling. She seems to be coping incredibly well, and will go back to school tommorow, because she's asked to.

I think you're right about your daughter - try to maintain some normality, but give her the opportunity to process and talk it all through with someone detached from the situation. Make sure school know, they might be able to offer/point you in the direction of a suitable counsellor.

Does he have any family who will deal with sorting through his things, arranging the funeral? If not, your daughter is probably his next of kin, so that might be something you need to deal with (although I'd advise getting involved as little as possible).

Hope the CpN is helpful tomorrow.

Yes she will need alot of support. Talk to your cpn about what is available. Also ask at the school. I think it is right that she goes to school and maintains some normality.

I'm very sorry .

Take very good care of yourself. Thinking of you and your dd xx

Hope you're ok.

Srry I didn't post back.

Not sure how I'm coping really.

DD is OK. I just have so many thoughts in my head and have spent the whole talking to and telling people about his death; and making some arrangments. His friends are taking most of the responibility, though, and letting my dd be involved. Before he went off the rails he was lovely. There were both good and bad times. My dd was his only child, no family and no money for a funeral.

He left behind a huge mess and worst of all, there are some clues (documents, left things for my dd, facebook posts) to suggest that he planned it all. The fire investigators said accident, but I'm not so sure.

It's very sad. I'm glad there are good times to remember, something you can tell your dd about when she is older. Terrifying to think he might have planned it, perhaps he made threats because he was being evicted but wasn't really planning to do it, then separately this happened? I suppose now he is gone there is nothing to be gained by proving anything. I hope everyone in the building was ok. I am glad his friends are taking on the practical side of things. You must still be struggling to believe all this has happened, it is so...I don't know the word!

ps. It goes to show you were absolutely right about your dd not being safe there.

I am still in shock yes, and I agree with you in that there's nothing to be gained by prooving it now. It turns out I'm the one with the details for all of his friends as I remember their last names, areas they lived and so on. It's made getting in touch easier, and none of them wanted to miss it. It sounds weird to get that involved I know, but if some one I knew for so many years had died, I'd want to know. I think it's a bit of human kindness there to call them, even if it does take effort on my part. No one else knows those details, and his stuff was destroyed in the fire, but I've found every one significant to him, bar one person. I'll still try to trace her.

That is good of you, it is a kind thought.