At the end of my tether.

[sweetkitty]

Sorry just need to write this down somewhere but I am so low right now, I feel like crap as well as I have just shouted at DD1 and it's not her fault. I am utterly exhausted, have a headache and just don't know how much more I can take, the main problems are:

DD2 - the incredible non sleeping baby, she won't go to sleep without a BF, she's never slept through the night is up 2-3 times in the night, that I could probably handle but she has a bedtime routine the usual, dinner, bath, massage, story, bed at 8pm but wakes up about 20 mins later and doesn't go back to sleep wants to play. I take her back to bed at 10-11pm when I go and she has another BF then she could be up 20 mins or 2 h later. I feel I have no time to myself.

DD1 - is potty training and goind backwards, today we have had 2 pees in the potty and about 6 on the carpet, sofa, chair and beanbag chair. The last one I just lost it and shouted at her as DD2 was screaming at the time as well.

Finances - I am a SAHM and things are very tight, very little left over after the bills. DP's work reviewed the pensions and had an opt out clause that DP signed up to which meant that he doesn't contribute for a few years but gets more take home pay. This was our salvation. But his work have now discovered he is still receiving his London weighting (he didn't know he got a London weighting) so it looks like he will be losing that and have to pay back what was wrongly given. This is in effect the extra money so we are back to square one. Only thing we can do is me get a job and put the DDs in nursery. Jobs in my field are non existent so it looks like something like shop work but it's the old will it be worthwhile for me to do it?

Family - we used to live in London then DD1 came along so we moved back to Scotland so I could be a SAHM, get a decent house and be closer to friends and family. But they have offered us no support whatsoever. My mum has phoned me once in the past month for less than 2 mins to ask how the DDs were, she has seen DD2 5 times in her life (she's 8mo) she lives an hour away (2 trains) but is too lazy to visit, when she does come up (with her DP) they stay 2 hours just sit and watch DD1 play and expect constant tea and lunch (even when DD2 was less than 2 days old), DP's mother is not any better. This means we never get a night out or time to ourselves, this has meant our relationship has really suffered. I'm not asking them to babysit every weekend but once every few months would be nice. I am so upset by their lack of interest in their grandchildren makes me so upset when every day I see grandparents with their grandkids and DD1 wouldn't even know her grandmothers if they came in right now.

Driving - DP is banned from driving (long story) so this means all the driving comes down to me and I am terrified of driving, every day it's a big thing for me to get behind the wheel. It means we don't go anywhere at weekends etc as a family and I don't really go out during the week. Don't have the money for anything other than toddler groups and if I did I can't drive anywhere anyway.

Friends - my old friends have deserted me (I've tried) and the new friends I have made at toddler groups either all have their own friends or they are the sort of people who smoke dope in front of their kids (I know that sounds snobby and it's not meant like that) they are nice people but our childcare views are opposites.

So that in a nutshell is it I could go into it a lot more but don't want to bore anyone (if anyone is reading this). I've been sitting with DD1 in her room playing with her today sobbing my eyes out, DP will be in from work in a while and I have to appear a bit happy when all I want to do is crawl into a corner, my head is splitting as well.

hi sweetkitty,
yr dd's sleeping problem: can you try to skip one of her naps during the day, this helped me when mine was younger.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs to you}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Sounds like things are poo right now!
Have you tried asking your mom for more help? dont ask dont get right?#
Also try posting a meet up thread for your area, you'll be suprised who else lives near by to meet up with? At least you wont feel so isolated!?!

Sweetkitty, where do you live? Can your HV help with getting your DD into a sleep routine? Could you sell the car and save some money that way? It's really tough when they're small. Can anyone here do anything to help? I don't like to think of anyone feeling so low. Is it better when your DP is at home? Big hugs.

Firstly she only has one nap during the day usually only about 30 mins not enough for a 8 month old I feel.

I have asked my Mum why doesn't she come up and I got "I'm scared of the trains wtf? and "the dogs need letting out for the toilet" she is really lazy and just doesn't want to get off her bum to do anything it's not the issue of her being too far away when I lived a mile away last Summer she hardly came to visit always wanted me to go over there especially when my aunts were there so she could show off DD1.

I go to loads of toddler groups already but just haven't clicked with anyone really.

I know that all sounds v negative and yes things are better when DP is around but I know he is suffering as much as me re the money and lack of time to himself too. Selling the car not really an option would be even more isolated as double buggies and buses don't really go and couldn't go to my toddler groups without the car. We had a horrndous time and were badly let down by a buyer last year when we were moving back all in all I reckon it's cost us 30K

Fair enough!
Have you tried seeing if other peeps on MN live in your area? You could try to "click" before meeting up?
It sounds like its all getting on top of you too though? Have you spoke to your HV about how you feel?

Hi Sweetkitty
You sound so down. It seems like everything has got on top of you and has overwhelmed you? How long have you been back in Scotland, I'm getting the impression it's not been long, is that right? You have had a majorly stress-making move from London up to SCotland, give yourself a break and a chance to settle in again. Toddler groups are nearly ALWAYS cliquey, just keep on showing up week after week and people WILL start to speak to you. The family thing is more difficult - my DH's family are the same, (although we live 100's of miles away) there is ZERO interest from them, they make no effort to visit, phone once a month if that. It is hurtful, but I do think it is THEIR loss. Can you speak to your mum about how you feel? If she is a decent mum and knew you were feeling so desperate, she should want to help you.
Are you sure that you will have to go back to work after your DP's salary cut? Would a part time job maybe be a good idea, a way to meet people, even if not financially 'worth it'?
ABout the driving, you know the only way to get over that is to GET OUT THERE in your car - little local trips and building up gradually.

Good god, you are only human to sometimes lose it with your kids, I have had a shitty day today as well and felt I took it out on my DD. I am sorry that your DD2 doesn't sleep through, how old is she? MAybe you could try not taking her out of the cot when she cries after you intiially put her to bed(sorry if you have tried this) and try and settle her again in the room rather than taking her back downstairs with you?

I think you need to tell your DP how you are feeling rather than having 'to appear a bit happy'. Having to repress your feelings is the road to full blown depression. I bet you felt better just writing it all down? You would feel so much better talking to someone who loves and understands you as well. Good luck. I hoope i haven't written a lot of rambly crap, just feel for you

Just seen your other post re your mum, what a shitty excuse.

sweetkitty - poor you. It is horrible feeling like you do now. I can empathise totally. I;ve been there (altho different circumstances). Only piece of advice I;d give is that you MUST talk to people about how you. I didnt (and still dont to a certain extent - long story). But DONT put on a happuy facce for your DP. And DO please talk to your GP and HV. There is support out there. Maybe you need a 'tonic' to pep you up a bit? Altho there obv needs to be changes in your life too. Talk to us tho if it helps. Have a hug from me {{{{HUG}}}} naswm x

It does sound hard. Do you always feel this bad or could it be PMT making everything seem a million times worse?
Lack of sleep is a nightmare. Maybe tackle that first so everything else is more copable-with. How old is she?I wouldn't take her down again after her bedtime routine otherwise it is pointles. I think from then on she should stay in her bed - you can pat her and stay with her if you want, but not bring her downstairs. You need some time to yourself.

Hi Sweetkitty

Sounds like your having a bad time and it's all spiraling, what other people have said is true, you'll suffer even more in the end if you don't talk to someone. The best person might be your HV. In the meantime having had three babies in three years I'm afraid that I subscribe to the view that you have to train them. Your baby has got herself into a routine of waking after 20 mins and only going to sleep with a feed. It would be very hard for a few days, but you could try just soothing her when she wakes, but leaving her in the cot and going back regularly - eventually they do get it and will go to sleep. With regard to the daytime sleep - dont drop it, myexperience is that the more they sleep during the day the more they sleep at night.

The family sound awfull, so maybe it might be easier phychologically not to 'expect' anything of them and then at least you won't be feeling hurt.

Toddler groups are difficult - I've made loads of friends through having children and none at toddler groups, but that must mean there are others there thinking the same. Sometimes the mums you think you'll have nothing in common with turn out to become your best mates - although perhaps not the dope smokers!

Finances - ours are tough too and really really get me down to the extent that I get hot and cold sweats at the thought of it, but as DH says this is going to be the most expensive time of our lives. Think of a five year plan not a monthly or 12 monthly plan - the picture isn't so gloomy then.

If it helps keep talking on here.

Also, I was looking at previous threads on here and someone mentioned moodgym - you might benefit I think it's www.moodgym.au I'm sure you can google it. It's free online cbt so it's got to be worth a go.

Sweetkitty - I'm so sorry to see you so low lovely - and have no advice other than to echo what others have said about speaking to DP & HV -but I just wanted to remind you that you are a beautiful, confident, capable woman who your DP adores and a wonderful, loving mother to your girls. If I could come up there and hug you in person I would ((((((((((((hug)))))))))))

Sweetkitty, I wa son the ante natal thread with you, so your dd1 is the same as my dd2.
I'd stop the potty training if you can, as she has ages until she needs to do it. Less to worry bout.

Can't say much about the sleep, but hopefully she'll settle as she gets on the move.

Re your mum, sometimes I think you just have to let it go. My mum is just over an hour away, and ahe never comes to visit on her own. That's just how it is for us. Can't change it, so nothing I can do.

Can you work in the evenings? May be a way to sort out dd2's sleeping too, if dh does it all.

Sorry I can't e nay more use.

Though it may be worth checking tout the meet ups thread.

thanks for all the lovely messages I am really touched nearly in tears

My mum phoned when I was overdue with DD2 in agony with SPD and having DD1 to contend with and she knew I may be induced and DP wouldn't be with me as someone had to look after DD1 and she still didn't offer to come. I have decided to tell her exactly what I think of her next time she phones what have I to lose? DP and my friends think she is jealous of me as she will never compliment me or say anything nice to my face but is always going on about how great I am doing to everyone else as she thinks it's a refection on her. Everytime she sees me she tells me I have put on weight for instance (I'm a size 8 btw) She would have taken more of an interest in DD2 if she had been a DS she's that shallow, she thinks boys are far better than girls. I have had cbt and counselling in the past for depression and have very low self esteem linked back to the way I was treated as a child primarily by her.

No PMT still haven't had a period re DD2's constant feeding.

Am going to give her 4 weeks until she's 9 months and then move her into her own room and go cold turkey with the BF, I won't leave her to cry just ban the boob, I know it will be many sleepless nights on the floor for me but it will be worth it. She's 8 months btw.

HV is bloody worse than useless much better advice on here

Am going to send my cv away to a lab thats closeby see if they offer me anything keep telling myself loads of babies go to nurseries they will be fine!

DD1 has potty trained herself, I didn't instigate it she told me no nappies, if I put a nappy on her she takes it off, I don't pressurise her at all but all the pee on the carpet is taking the pee!

thanks again it really means so mcuh

Hi Sweetkitty how's it going lovely?

Still feeling really down had a long chat with DP and he feels the same, like we are being constanlty knocked down every time we try to get back up again.

It looks like he may have to pay the overpaid money back again it will be about 4.5K it just doesn't feel right as it's their mistake and should have been picked up at some point. Worse than that is his actual pay will drop and we really cannot afford that to happen. I've started to enquire about part time jobs and nurseries (keep telling myself loads of other children got to nursery and it doesn't do them any harm). Am so worried about money right now it's a cloud over everything.

No contact from my mother at all the more time passes by the more I get with her. It's when you see other GPs doting on their grandchildren, taking them out, looking after them so the mum can work etc and mine cannot even bring herself to phone and ask how they are?

DD1 I have put back in nappies but still taking her to the toilet if she asks.

DD2 Put her down at 7.45pm last night, she was up at 8.30pm, 9.30om, 12am, 2am, 4am - ish, and 6.10am wouldn't settle without a boob.

So all in all not much better really but at least the DDs are happy and healthy and thats all that matters.

As they say... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Things will get better (even though it might not feel that way at the mo) you are being so positive and taking action to improve your situation where many others wouldn't!
I hope you manage to find a p/t job soon. The added advantage of that being you'll be meeting new people - at work and nursery and nursery may well help DD2 to settle better at night (ok - long shot, but you never know )

Your mum sounds like she'll never change so it may be that your expectations/hopes need adjusting so that if/when she does show any interest, it's a bonus. It's truly her loss at missing out on her beautiful grandchildren but some women are just like that (my MIL, to name one!)
Keep chin up lovely - you're doing fab

Hi Sweetkitty, sorry things still bad. It's maybe not a good idea to let rip at your mother at the moment. Although she does deserve to be told how her behaviour makes you feel, you will probably end up using her as a cipher for your rage about everything that's bothering you at the moment. Maybe it would be best just to wait until you are feeling you can cope more in general before you approach her. You could probably do without that extra stress at the moment!!

Hi sweetkitty,
Could DH help out with her sleeping once she's in her own room?

WRT your mum, maybe you just have to kind of ket it go. You can't change her. You know you have 2 beautiful girls.

Hope today is a better day for you.

thanks again well guess who just phoned? my mother I very calmly told her what I thought "that she was a disgrace of a gran" with my mum little hints don't work you need the sledgehammer approach, I think she was very shocked as was like I would be up every Sunday but you always seem to be doing stuff and I know thats a family day for you too, I was like what about the weekdays? She sprouted the usual scared of the trains rubbish but I was not buying it. Felt really good to get it off my chest. I approached it as you are really missing out on the DDs rather than you are a crap mother. We will see.

littlerach - DP will help out once we start trying to sort DD2's sleeping, we will take it in turns so at least one of us gets a decent nights sleep each night and the other will tend to DD2. DP feels really frustrated as I have left DD2 with him (he's always telling me to get out more) with EBM and she won't settle for him (she used to).

It's just so easy to say "heres a boob" and have her settle back to sleep in 5 minutes than have hours of crying and just seeing her get more and more frustrated and upset.

Having read this thread I just wanted to offer a bit of moral support. Firstly the positives - at least you hopefully do have a bigger house, and live nearer to family, which at some point in the future might prove to be more of a bonus than it is now! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying "look on the bright side" though. You and your husband are facing a really difficult set of challenges, and any other person in the same situ would react the same.

You have moved your family in a positive direction, I'm guessing that you probably aspired to do this for a long while before making the move. Now that you have done so, the reality is probably not living up to the dream. I suppose that reality is much harder than the dream, because you have to deal with negative changes as well as positive.

I know many many grandparents who are like the ones you have. To be honest, our ones are very hands off, but from day one I have decided to let them be what they will be. Easier said than done. It is really hard watching other grandparents who are much more involved, all the harder because one of the reasons for moving north was to be nearer to them.

Whenever I feel sad about the lack of family support I have, I think of the Royle family, all sat around together. I picture whether I would rather be like that - it makes me laugh and realise that maybe I quite like the arms length relationship I have.

I hope that by posting here you feel a bit better, because realising that there are other people out there like you is a real bonus.

You have really helped me already, because we are contemplating a move north ourselves, away from London. It has helped me to clarify my fears and to realise that no single change like that can really solve problems for us.

Sweetkitty you are not alone - we care! Hopefully you have had a better day today but you sound like a great mum and really strong to have got this far.

I have had a frighteningly similar experience over the past year (apart from the fact that I only have one dd to contend with). I won't bore you with the details but what I have found has helped me is that I have now resolved that I am going back to work. Once I made that decision, I am amazed at the enthusiasm I have found for jobhunting. It feels like by going back to work, I am becoming a person again and by dumping the stuff which I dont like on a nursery I am escaping! So for you it will be the 6 missed wees and the hope of an adult conversation. My dd loves nursery and I feel like I can breathe when she goes. Don't be frightened of leaving your little ones at nursery they will probably have a great time and you might get a little bit of peace of mind. I wish you the very best. xxxx