Feeling lost....

[binkymum1]

Hello.. Any advice gratefully received. I have posted this on the larger family thread too..

I have 2 dd's (9&6) and I was pregnant with a third nearly 4 years ago but had to terminate due to lack of support from parents (ie you can't even cope with 2!!) and husband who was battling depression and money issues. This is still present as he is between jobs. We have a 3 bed small house. Eldest daughter has ongoing anger/anxiety/behaviour issues and we are considering private psychologist assessment for asd. I am 42.

I know I am lucky and I have always said that the needs of my children come before any need I have for a third however I just feel so bereft. I cry anytime anyone has a baby on TV and I am irrationally jealous of my peers who may be pregnant again or anyone I see who has their third! I don't want to be a bitter irrational woman but I feel myself pining for the baby I never had. I tell myself that this is best for all of us and I know I would never forgive myself for damaging the lives of my girls, especially as my eldest struggles to cope as it is.

Has anyone been in this situation or has any ideas where I can go for help?

Thank you all x

I read your thread and the first question I want to ask is, although the decision was made to terminate the 3rd pregnancy, did you give yourself time to grieve for the loss?
It must have taken a huge amount of strength to come to the decision you did based on what the circumstances around you, however you have still experienced a loss whether by choice or not.
As much as you fill the needs your family have, you have needs of your own which need to be satisfied, and such a sacrifice for whatever reason will have repercussions on you, hence the bereft feeling you still carry after 4 years.
You need to be taken care of so that you continue to have the strength to take care of those who need you.
Would you consider some sort of councelling or life coach help? I suggest this as it is not always something people want to go to the doctor about for fear of being pigeon-holed into the 'depression' category.
You sound like an amazing person, and although I have not experienced what has happened to you, I did have a missed MC with further surgery earlier this year which was one of the most traumatic events in my life so far (I am 39), and I found a life coach local to me who I felt comfortable to vent off to and who could rationalise my thoughts and feelings much better than I could, and confirmed that I wasn't as broken as I thought.
Happy to chat with you any time

Thank you so much for this. I am happy to consider counselling or any kind of help that I can get.

Yes I never really had time to grieve over my last pregnancy as it was not really a choice I was happy to go along with.. So to cut a long story short, I just got on with it and tried to forget it really. Think it's all come to a head again now as I'm aware I'm getting older and things are starting to change.

I was ok for a little while but I def feel that it's all creeping up on me.

I will look up some counselling as I think I do need someone to help me find a way through it.. Thank you for your reply x

Glad I could be of help, even if it was just to read what you had to say and ask some questions.
I think as mums/wives we take on so much and sometimes forget to expect anything in return.

My experience this year has been challenging as I'm always the one taking care of everyone else, and to have to need the help has been difficult to accept at times. What I have learnt though is that I deserve as much care as everyone else, and so do you
Also, the ones who love us don't usually know we need this care and help until we say or have to ask for it, and are more than happy to help even if it means they allow you your own time to sort things out and get help elsewhere.
You will be ok, and it will be tough to face what's ahead in order to be at peace with everything. Be kind to yourself, and if for any reason you blame yourself (which I hope you don't), be ready to forgive yourself.
I wish you the best, as you've made some really positive steps already