Any advice re my clinically depressed Mum?

[confusedmum2one]

I'm not sure if this is allowed, but I posted this on the relationships forum first but then realised it was probably better placed on this forum.

Hi everyone

It's a really long story but in short, my mum has been depressed for 45 years. She has 8 grown up kids and loving husband. She's been in and out of hospital over the 45 yrs after nervous breakdowns but has always had good periods and low periods. She's a very controlling woman as well doesn't trust anyone. She talks about all her kids behind their backs to anyone and to siblings which makes it awkward because we know she stirs things and blatantly twists things that we've said (luckily the siblings talk to each other so know when she has lied about what we've said/done).

Over the years we have all been really supportive, encouraging and enthusiastic for her. We have all gone out of our way to be there for her and spent lots of time with her. She has no interest at all in anything and just wants to sit on her backside all day eating cakes. We try to motivate her but it's no use. She is counted as "care in the community", they wont take her back into hospital as the doctor has said there isn't any more treatment to try (She's had EST, ADs, counselling etc). and said "it's up to her now to help herself".

I'm not sure if I'm being really cruel as I don't know what it's like but for the last 2 years it's been constant none stop duldrums with her, she's not interested in her recently born grandchildren at all. I get depressed speaking to her on the phone (I live 500 miles away) so try to limit my phone calls to her and its got to the point now where I just don't want to speak to her at all. . When I last saw her we had a disagreement and she went into a evil nasty attack on me then proceeded to go into her house and lie about what we had fallen out about.

Does anyone have any advice?
I feel guilty for wanting to just not have anything to do with her, we're not trained to counsel her and it's so demorilising spending hours on the phone trying to encourage and motivate her then its all forgotten when she comes off the phone. I think I would have more patience if she appeared to be a nicer person but she's so horrible about us to each other and never has a nice word to say about anyone.

Thanks

what a horrible situation to find yourself in. i think that you need to take care of yourself first. don't mean to sound horrible, i don't know you apart from this, perhaps if everyone took a step back fron your mum it might help her realise what people do for her?
sorry i'm not much help, but this will bump message for you. someone might have better ideas. ((hugs))

Hi MD

Thanks for your reply. I think you're right - whilst we're all rallying round her to try and lift her spirits and fill her days she has too much to complain about!

I wish I could understand depression more, I do know that with the depression it's making her have no motivation and interest. I feel frustrated that I can't find any information for family members on how to best support a depressed family member

there are support groups - I haven't been to any but I believe MIND has some info on them.

It is very hard to understand - perhaps you could try and see it like this - she wakes up every day and cannot see a future without herself feeling down about everything? Also, the nature of depression is that it takes all her energy just to exist every day so the 'sitting on her backside' is very typical.

First of all, if possible, I would get a second opinion - preferably with a psychiatrist. Also, has she had any counselling, like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy? - it's a very forward looking therapy focusing on getting you to think more positively.

I do believe there are some people who have depression that is very difficult to treat but the counselling and the right medication should make her life more bearable. As you're 500 miles away, I would distance yourself - make a decision in your mind as to how often you are going to call her and set aside a time when you do that.

You also have to realise that you cannot fix what is wrong with her and it's not your fault. Ultimately, you can help her have access to the right services (counselling, psychiatrist) and that's all you can do. It's not cruel but it is very sad.

Thanks FIS

So you don't think I have reason to feel guilty about limiting my contact with her?

My DD is 8 months old and soon after the birth I tried to have lots of contact/webcams with her because I didn't want her feeling left out (also thought it would help give her something to focus on) and I really, really needed my "mother". It was very sad for me when she had very little interest and support for me when I really needed her most. I look at my DD now and promise her everytime that I will always be there for her at any time day or night.

Its such a terrible illness, so very sad like you say. I recently saw a picture of my mum on her wedding day and I didn't recognise her. She has life in her eyes in that photo but today when you look into her eyes they are just empty.

Thanks for the info, I'll do some google searching on it.

She hasn't had any CBT, my sister was reading about that and said to me we should suggest it but it's really hard because my Mum hasn't got any will to do anything at all.

yes I think half the problem is trying to get her to do some counselling - but it's the depression that takes away that will iyswim

You have no reason to feel guilty about limiting contact - you have to look after yourself and your family and it's not as though you are abandoning her. She is ill - she needs medical help and you cannot be responsible for providing her with that. You can let her know that you are there on the end of the phone if she needs you and you can decide how often you pop round to see her with the kids. I think if (with your siblings) you could find some local counselling and perhaps even if one of you could take her to it (in the first instance) then that would be a big step.

You can't take this mammoth task on yourself though - emotionally or physically - it will end up half killing you.

hi there
I work (when not on mat leave) as an OT with people with severe & enduring mental heatlh problems.
Its to me like your mom has has alot of help and it does sound like she has to help herself to some degree! Does she get alot of sympathy maybe she is benefitting from being in the sick role as negative attention is better then no attention especially is its all she knows!!
However I can empathise with the situation you're in! What do your siblings think? Maybe its worth contronting her together and challenging her on her behaviour and giving her an ultimatium? Family have far more powers than any health professional
Hope this helps!!
Email me if you need to talk further though!
janejoesbury at hotmail dot com
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