So unhappy

[slowlydrowning]

I am so miserable and I do not know what to do or who to turn to.

I go to sleep and hope I don't wake up. I am not suicidal but I would prefer not to be here.

I absolutely hate my job and get anxious about speaking to people there. Just lately I have been getting terrible headaches whilst at work (its a pressurised environment) and today I have gone home because I have a headache and feel low which will probably make me get sacked.
I am looking for a new job but that is proving to be difficult which is also making me stressed.

I have been drinking and although I haven't done for a few months I feel like taking some cocaine in order to feel better.

My dp doesn't understand, he is naturally a happy sunny person.
I am NC with all members of my family.

My mood is generally just low. I am a miserable cow! So many bad things have happened and I know I should just get on with it but its hard to forget.

I don't even know why I am writing this. I will not go on anti depressents. I have tried counselling after I had a miscarriage a few years ago but it was useless.

I feel like running away. But no where to go.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so shit.

I know you don't want to go onto anti depressants, but you're already self-medicating with alcohol and thinking of taking coke, both of which have the short term effect of making things feel better, masking the situation, but ultimately making things a heck of a lot worse. Could you have a think about why drink and drugs are preferable to prescribed meds that could have a long term positive effect.

Feeling like you want to run away or not wake up are common with depression. Now it may well be reactive caused by your current situation or past trauma, but it still needs treating.

Is there anyone in RL that you could talk to about this?

Thank you so much for replying.

My mum has been on AD for over 30 years. I see them as a plaster rather than a cure. Once you stop taking them the issue is still there?

The drink and coke cheers me up.

In RL no I do not have anybody to talk to which is sad. I should be happy right now I have a great partner and I have just graduated but I feel worse day by day. Pathetic.

Coke will not help, it will just increase anxiety. I know, I'm not just saying it, I used to use it to keep me up and the booze to keep me down, just to keep things on a level. It is a vicious cycle although I'm just a depressive drunk now. But I'm trying to sort it out. AD's are better than self medicating, which it looks like you are doing.

I had a couple of sessions of counselling when the woman just sat there and looked at me with pity which wasn't what I needed. Just felt like telling her to go to hell, and again and again

Bad shit happens in the past, try a different counsellor, you do not have to give up your coping behaviours immediately but they should be able to help you find another way to deal with your feelings. I am just starting my journey (god that sounds tacky) but I have found a decent counsellor, a psychiatrist and I am feel like I have taken the first step towards getting sorted out. In a meeting with both of them they asked what I wanted to do and I said I just wanted to draw a line under the past and start anew. They said that might not be possible but they could get me to accept things and move on without guilt.

Keep posting, there seem to be loads of us mess ups on here, it's helped me x

Thank you for replying and sharing your story. Where did you go for support (to drs or private counsellor?).

I've had two different kinds of therapy. One private, which was very much a talking therapy. I was still depressed afterwards, but it had been good to get some stuff that was bothering me off my chest.

The second kind was CBT on the NHS that I did alongside medication. That was hard work as it challenges the way you look at things and deal with them, but it was a lot more helpful, with some more permanent results.

Which was better? I guess the CBT? I feel ashamed to go to the drs.
I don't know what to do about work either. I can't manage it.

I have private healthcare, the ones I paid a fortune for in Harley Street out of my own pocket were useless. I went to my GP and she got me a referral through my private healthcare, they were miles better than the ones I paid a fortune for.

Go to your GP in the first instance and try to be honest, it is just shit feeling like shit all the time and using drink and drugs to try and keep things even. I threw money at it and it made no difference, my GP was able to recommend good people who would take NHS or private so were not just in it for the money.

There are good people out there. I still feel like shit, but not quite as shit as I did two weeks ago. I have been promised help and this time I believe that they might be speaking the truth and not just taking my money and watching the clock.

Im glad to hear that it worked for you.
I get embarrassed really easy, what did you say to your doctor? I do not want anyone to know about the drugs as I don't want it on my records.

I told them that I was depressed and using alcohol I did not mention coke or Valium that I use too. She was more interested in why I felt like I did than what I used to ease the issues.

I got the feeling they are used to us, just tell her you are depressed, not suicidal but have suicidal idealisations.

That should be enough to get things going. Tell her you drink by all means, but you must cut out any illegal narcotics if they prescribe AD's for you, which in all honesty in years of being terrified by them, have actually started to make me feel better. I have been able to cut out everything aside from drink. I did not want drug use on my records either, but made a decision to drop that when I saw the GP as I felt I would not help myself if I continued.

What would happen if you came off the AD or is that something that would coincide with the therapy being successful?
Sorry if I am asking to much questions but its really helpful.

They are dealing with the therapy first, they said they will taper off the meds when I feel ready. They didn't seem to see it as a permanent thing, just something to help me for now. They would just slowly lower the dose.