OK, I'll admit, I'm not a mum. I've been lurking on mumsnet for a while and have always found this community to be helpful. I've registered to ask for help.
I'm lying in mine and fiancé's spare room thinking about how to kill myself while he lies downstairs and probably thinks about how to tell me he's not going to be able to go through with our wedding in just under three weeks.
I've been taking prescription painkillers, sometimes with some alcohol at night, to help me sleep. My fiancé has no idea. This has been going on for the last few weeks since he confronted me with texts from a man who I found online and met to engage in oral sex for money. I done this in January and at the time I was having flashbacks, nightmares and panic attacks because of my rape at 12 years of age. Up until then I had never coped with it. I told my fiancé about this for the first time. I wanted to try and explain why I'm so f*cked up in the head. I feel all I'm good for is sex. We talked through this and he agreed that he would work on things if I got help. I have since spoken to Rape Crisis and am planning on going to their centre to speak face to face with a counsellor.
I also placed ads on Craigslist for worn panties (I never provided these) and responded to a couple looking for a female for a three some (I never followed through with this). He just found about this yesterday and confronted me. Naturally he doesn't believe me when I tell him these things never happened. He is also angry that I never fessed up when he found out about this man a few weeks ago.
I spent all day yesterday thinking about the best way to kill myself. I have no way to do this discreetly and not enough pills in the house. I've cut all across my breasts (having some body issues right now) with a razorblade. I just can't bear to think of my family's pain when I'm dead. I tried the samaritans but I couldn't get the words out.
If I go to A&E will they help me? I feel like a timewaster and a drama queen. It's all my own fault I feel like this. But I don't recognise the person I was in January and I want the old me back. I just want to marry my fiancé and be a good wife to him. Please help.