What do you do if you suspect counselling isn't for you?

[kittensandmittens]

I'd greatly appreciate other people's input in this matter, because it does sometimes feel rather as if the only two options to any sort of ongoing problem are counselling or some sort of tall therapy, or medication.

My problem is that I'm not entirely sure either of these approaches are right for me.

I've tried counselling before and I am self-aware; I understand why my issues are as they are. I have huge problems with relationships and trust and it is very easy to understand why this is the case - just a cursory glance through my history makes it obvious, and the same with low self-esteem.

What I can't seem capable of doing is changing anything and I just fall into the same old patterns, the truth is I'm terrified of relationships and intimacy but at the same time I crave it.

I really DO want to break patterns but I don't know how!

Like you, I was really scared of relationships and intimacy. Learning to trust a male counselor (I'm female) made a huge difference to my general feeling about men. It wasn't easy, in fact it was one of the most difficult things I've done in my life, opening up to someone who wasn't a close friend. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and honest, otherwise the process won't work. Knowing why you have certain issues is only helpful up to a point. Then have to start testing your beliefs against reality. E.g. I didn't like to be touched by men outside of immediate family because subconsciously I believed they all just wanted one thing. My counselor helped me to work through this and change my belief. I learnt that friends' touches are friendly and without without any sexual overtones.

What types of counselling have you tried? Different methods work for different people. If you find talk therapy isn't particularly useful then possibly CBT or DBT might be more beneficial in changing the behaviours you are already aware of?

The problem is I don't have any behaviour that needs 'correcting' as it were (I know that's a simplistic view!)

My issues are relating to rejection, self worth and intimacy, I think.

It's not necessarily about behaviour, it's about changing your thinking and the way in which you see yourself and the world. This will almost certainly lead to a difference in behaviour, even if you currently don't think it needs to be "fixed".

It might not be very comfortable for you having counselling, but that doesn't mean it won't help. If you both crave and fear relationships and intimacy, then counselling, with the right sort of professional, might well offer those an opportunity for you to work through those issues experientially, in the relationship with the counsellor / therapist. It's hard to change things. You have found some tried and trusted methods of attempting to keep yourself safe, and it's difficult to give them up. I would be interested to know what sort of counselling you've tried.

As pp have said, there are different types of talk therapies. Have you tried cbt? The point is that you can change the way you feel about intimacy and relationships if you have the right support but it's still really hard work and you have to be committed.
As for managing moods, there are lots of alternatives to medication and talking. Exercise can be effective. As can relaxation.

Majestic, I don't think you quite understood my meaning - counselling wasn't unpleasant or uncomfortable, but it wasn't helpful. By that I mean we reached a point where it was rehashing the old and I think the counsellors both thought recognising why I felt as I did would be the key to unlock changing it, but it wasn't as I already could see through the glass door but not get into it, if that isn't taking an analogy too far!

Everything I've read about CBT seems it is about changing habits and thought processes, which is why I'm not sure it's quite what I need. Of course I could be wrong :)

Ok, i see what you're saying. You know what the problem is, but not how to change it?

CBT is about changing habits and thought processes, but if it's done really well, CBT can run deeper than that, and it can look at changing core beliefs and rules for living. So you might be able to identify a rule that you have about relationships. For example "If I get close to people they will let me down", not saying this is you by the way, just an example. If someone had a rule or belief like that, then, it might be due to past experiences of abuse or abandonment or something. That kind of rule would cause all kinds of problems in relationships, because intimacy would be avoided due to fear of being let down.

That's all well and good, that is about understanding how you are, and how you got there, but so far, not enough to change anything. In order to change it, in CBT, you need to make a new rule, that you would prefer to live by. Eg, "If I get take a risk and get close to people, then sometimes it can be worthwhile". or "If I get close to people, then they do not always let me down" Something a bit more balanced. Then, you would go about testing that new rule, to see if it could be true. That's where behavioural experiments come in. A good CBT therapist would teach you how to design experiments, small tests to change a behaviour, just to see what happens. If the experiments work, then the belief system can be gradually changed. That is my (rather simplistic) example of how CBT can actually change things.

I hope this makes sense, but of course you might know all this already, and this might be wide of the mark. Of course there are avenues to improved self acceptance and self-esteem that don't involve therapy, have you considered mindfulness?

I'm not quite sure I understand your analogy. What do you want to change?

Thanks majestic, I'll look into it - my reading seemed to indicate it was about changing habits so was very helpful for OCD for example.

Dr I won't go into it all here - lack of success in intimate relations essentially.

Understood.
I think the thing with councelling is that it's important to find the right person in many cases. From what you've said maybe you just had the wrong councellor?

I've had a lot of therapy. For me it took a long course of cbt, after figuring out what was wrong and what I wanted to change, in order to actually make changes.

I'm not saying it's right for you, or giving it the hard sell, but maybe it's worth revisiting?