I am a regular particularly to this section however I have name changed for this and will be changing some details so I don't out myself.
I have bipolar 1. I was horrifically sexually abused aged 8-9 I blocked most of it out but the memories re surfaced earlier this year. At 13 I entered into a abusive relationship he would stab cigarettes out on my vagina and regularly beat me.
At 15 he raped me resulting in pg.
Since my first boyfriend I have not let people in properly out of fear they will use it to hurt me.
I had a manic episode last April to August. Then a depressive episode from August to april. I had a friend who was grieving the loss of his mother and in a abusive relationship.
As I went manic I was going out every night and coming home late. One night my husband pushed me up against the wall and punched the wall behind me. I fled to my friends house. When I got there he was on the phone to his girlfriend. He put it on loud speaker and I heard her say if he broke up with her she would say he sexually abused the children. He started crying begging her to just let him go.
She got off the phone and we ended up comforting each other and ended up sleeping together.
I don't know how but for some reason I have let him in when I can't let anyone else in.
We stopped sleeping together in December.
However recently I went manic and it has started up again.
I feel so trapped and confused. I cannot leave dh and I feel immense guilt. I know what I have to do it's just very hard. I have to lose a friendship I have had since I was 2. I am currently psychotically depressed. I don't know why I'm writing this really. I just wanted to get my thoughts down. The problem is I love both men.