feeling low and no confidence 22 months after baby

[Pagetta]

hello
i've not really visited mumsnet much before but i'm hoping perhaps someone might be able to give me a little bit of advice.

I'm really struggling emotionally, I have been really since I had my LO 22 months ago, but since i went back to work 10 months ago its getting worse.

Previous to being pregnant, i was really into my running and gym, my husband and i trained a lot together, i was a fit, slim size 8-10 and had a mid management job i was so proud of and enjoyed, and lots of lovely friends. I know i'm probably a bit rose tinted about it, but all was good.

Since having DS i've struggled in lots of ways, and I thought I'd start to feel better and come to terms with things in time, but i'm just getting more down and miserable. And I don't really know what to do.

I've never been a confident mother, I always feel like i don't know what i'm doing, and it just takes one person to suggest a different way of doing something, or for DH to make a comment, and i just collapse in a 'i'm a crap mum' crying heap - and that's getting worse, not better. I know DS loves me, but the parenting stuff i just seem to mess up continually.

I'm struggling with my changed body, even two years on. I'm not fat by any means, i'm perfectly healthy for my weight, a size 10 (mostly!) and i hit the gym 4-5 times a week but i can't do it as much as before and my stomach is just horrid. I miss being fit and fast and slim, but to get back to that i'd have to sacrifice precious time with my husband and son.

When i went back to work they kept on my mat cover and lo and behold 4 months later and I was made redundant. I feel like they squeezed me out as I was rubbish at my job, and that everyone else and all my friends thinks that. My DH and mum tell me its not true, that these things happen and i'm amazing (standard), but i've only been able to find a job that's a step down, and its boring and i'm hugely embarrassed and ashamed of it. I feel like my mum and husband are hugely misled and any second they, along with everyone else, will realise that i'm just rubbish.

My husband is at his wits end, he thinks i'm gorgeous and strong and amazing - but that just stresses me out that any day now he'll realise how wrong he is.

Don't get me wrong, i know i'm very lucky - i have a lovely husband and a beautiful son, a nice house, great friends and family, a very active social life that i love, a relatively well paid job and am fit and healthy. So why aren't I happy? My confidence in everything is so low, and i don't know how to get it back.
Do i go to a GP? Who do i approach about all of this?
I feel so pathetic - there's nothing to be sad about if i look at it logically (as DH does!) but i feel just rubbish.

You could be me, except I went on to get pregnant with an accidental baby when my first was only 11 months old. I felt fat, useless and lost out on a promotion at work. I had my hours cut and lost my overtime. My career has essentially stalled.

I used to horse ride competitively, but I had to give that up for the children, because I can't spend evenings and weekends riding and ignoring my children (see my other thread about it all being wrong). I miss my killer abs, but have just about accepted that I'm destined to live with my belly as it is now, I'm below my pre preg weight but still have belly wobble :(

You may or may not be clinically depressed. Do you think you are depressed the feelings of worthlessness being rubbish point to it?

I would suggest going to you GP and have a chat. You don't need to take AD's if you don't want to but they can provide you with counselling or CBT to help you get your self esteem back.

I'm not better yet (started Ad's, had one session with a psychiatrist and am starting CBT) by any means but taking the first step in getting help lifted a little bit of the guilt and worthlessness I felt. Please seek help, you sound like a terrific mum and wife and there is no need for you to feel like this.

thanks so much for your reply, and so sorry to hear you have struggled as much as you have. Reading your other post, my heart goes out to you and its great the GP is giving you some support and help.
I have read up on depression but i'm not sure if that's it... but i know it comes in all shapes and sizes and I know i need to speak to someone. Reading up on things i think i'm struggling with stress and anxiety. I struggle to fit in everything that I both want and need to do, which leaves me with enormous feelings of guilt towards my son, husband, job, friends, parents etc. And leaves me feeling like a failure in all areas of my life.
I just feel undeserving of all the nice people and good things in my life, I don't want to and I would love my confidence back, but I don't know how when i'm just so crap at it all.
My poor DH is a bit rubbish at emotions he tries so hard to understand but doesn't get it, and i know he wants me to speak to someone about this. It sounds like there's some good support out there.
I hope your treatment is helping hun, lots of love to you.

You really do sound like me, I should have reached out sooner. I just thought I was whinging about nothing. I wasn't. Trying to do everything is hard, having babies is enough of a stress without getting a career screwed up, and then feeling crap at everything because you don't have enough hours in the day is a real feeling.

Just because you have 'everything' doesn't mean you should automatically be happy. Take care, please speak to someone, I wish I had done it earlier but hey I have everything so what's to be worried about? DH asked me to speak to someone for months, but I just said oh I'll be ok, he doesn't do emotion too much either.

Please just go and have a chat with someone, you've reached out on here so do it because something is not quite right. I am glad I did, and it has made all the difference just to admit it is hard work.