some old feelings have come back and i don't know how to stop them

[MerlinsBeard]

I read and posted (with a diff name)on the thread that was started about statistics of unreported rape (at least, thats what the OP was about).
I posted things that were relevant to the OP but which i hadn't properly admitted to before. Now all i seem to be doing is remembering things from my childhood. it was a pretty shitty one but i used to get through by my own coping mechanisms of not eating and self harm.
I know neither of those are healthy strategies and i haven't harmed myself for a very long time (aside from one incident last year) BUT since i have been thinking things through all the feelings i used to have have come back.
All the feelings that if i was thin then nothing would hurt me, that if i cut out that bad part then people will like me. Its cionfusing me. On one hand i KNOW that thats not how a normal person should feel but then on the other hand i know that when i was thin i was happier albeit in a different life to that which i have now.(no children/dp/financial worries etc)
I have been stuck in the binge purge cycle of eating since ds2 was born and have probably been building up to this for a while but i am just stuck tonight and short of slapping myself in the face and telling myself to grow up i really don;t know what to do.

sorry this is long, i think i just needed to get it out, didn;t know where else to go with it

I am very glad you have felt able to post about this and hope writing it down can help you somehow.

Anything that brings up memories from your childhood is going to dredge up a lot of feelings and the old coping mechanisms rear their ugly heads too. I don't know if you have had professional help but it sounds as if it would be very worthwhile for you. So sorry you are feeling so low and mixed up and I hope you can find the support that you need on here and also in real life.

I had a bit of "proper help" years ago. mostly to do with eating again. Have also seen CPN once but she didn;t believe anything i said and walked out after a few mins so i don;t really relish the idea of seeing anyone else tbh.

I don;t really want to go through it all, i just want to put it back in its box and be me agian

Oh MOM

Each time you look at it, it should become easier to deal with until in time it could become much less of a demon for you. I think you need proper support through that, though, sorry you had such a crap experience with the CPN. Do you know what help is available locally? Often you can access support networks yourself without having to go through your GP. It's worth finding out if there is something that would suit you.

admitting i am low online is one thing but its harder to say it out loud IYSWIM. Have no clue what or how to tell DP how i feel right now.

thanks for reading F&Z x

You are welcome MOM - I am crap at this sort of thing but didn't want your thread to go unanswered. I shall bump it for you tomorrow as well as I think many people are more likely to see it and may be more use to you.

I think it is brave to post about this. It is the first step towards talking to DP if that's what you want to do and also to making some changes in your life.

thank you thats very kind

sorry, i shouldn't have posted this. Going to go try and get some sleep, see what tomorrow brings

I beleive you have been very brave in admitting that you have posted before, i believe in doing so you have kind have done so in admitting to yourself you have issues you have not yet resolved and if this is causing problems you need to seek long term support. I commend you on you honesty x

How are you feeling today MOM? Is there anyone around this morning who feels they may have some advice for MOM?

just read your messages MOM. where i live we have a few MH charities that have freephone nos. all anonymous and confidential. would you consider phoning samaritans? i found that talking to these types of things helped. formed things into an order in my head. self harm network: \link{http://www.nshn.co.uk} might be able to offer you advice. i really hope that these things help {HUG}

oops. am new to this. don't think i did that weblink properly sorry

You almost got it macdog, you just need to add another slash at the end and then put your description of the link, within the curly brackets, so after what you posted you could put

\self harm network}

Here's the link for MoM self harm network

thanx franny

Oh MoM, hugs to you. I have only just seen this. I'm sorry you are going through such an awful time at the moment.

You know I understand, totally, but what the ladies have said on here already is so true. Talking and talking about how you feel helps so much more than bottling it up (I'm as good at that as you are) Even if it is just here for now, just talk. We are all here to listen and give as much support as we can.

Have you been back to the doctors? Please do go, they may be able to suggest some support of some kind.

MoM, you have my number, call me any time you want to. I will always have the time for you. i feel a bit bad as I have been hiding for a bit and didn't realise you were feeling so low. I just wish you lived nearer, even if it's just so I can give you a hug.

Call me if you need to.

x x x x x x x x x

Thank you F&Z for bumping this for me this morning.
Haven't been back until now because, if i am honest, i am really embarrassed that i posted the OP. Its something i have written out to post a few times and sort of hovered over the post button but deleted. Also, i have been out today with the boys, fresh air and all that. And also to distract me really. i really just need a break right now.

Thank you Macdog for that link. Am not wanting to properly look there right now. I am aware that i am 'on the line' and i really don't want to go down the self harm route again. I have book marked it to look at at a later date though when i won;t find anythign triggering.

Calebsmummy, i know you have been hiding and i am so so sorry that i haven't tried harder to reach you and see how you were. My whole life has been turned upside down and shaken all around since the m/c and all this and i don;t know if i am coming or going at the moment. I;m sorry. As for my Drs, well, theres no one during the day to look after the boys so i can go alone and usually running late (have waited nearly 2 hours once) which would make me late for picking DS1 up from preschool.

I know that feeling well, we never do seem to be able to get the time to even go to the loo alone, let alone to the doctors!

You about on messenger? Wanna chat?

Dear MoM, I know exactly what you're going through. I was raped when I was 12yo and 15yo and kept it to myself for years. Someday I regret so much having confided in my dh, as once the memories I'd kept locked away started to come back I too started self harming, having panic attacks; long periods of depression even suicidal thoughts. I also went to a counsellor but again, she wanted to go into so many details it really messed me up.

If you have any other bad days you can always share your feelings on here no-one's going to judge you- don't suffer in silence. Lots and ltos of hugsxxxxx

thank you for replying needhugs. Nice to know i am not the only person who feels the urge to hurt themselves.

what is an MH charity macdog?

mumofmonsters - by CPN do you mean clinical psychiatric nurse as in NHS.. they walked out on you If you have a history of self harm that's incredibly irresponsible.
I've found NLP
for example
a really helpful tool, also recommend hypnotherapy. Needhugs might find this useful too.
There are people who say it's a sticking plaster to which I reply that sticking plasters are there to protect the wound while it heals.
Take care of yourself, you have the lovely mumsnet, you're not alone.

hey MOM. i meant mental health helplines. in scotland we got
breathing space 0800838587 (depression intervention)
copeline 08000568181 (mental health issues)
parentline 08088002222 (any parenting issue)
they are open at different times of day, and are all anon.
samaritans 08457909090 are 24 hours
i've been there with self harm. don't want to go back either. gets close sometimes
we here for support {HUG}

Hi MoM, how are you feeling today? Sorry I cut short our chat last night. D was playing up and did so until 1 am I'm sorry I waffled on so much too Just ignore the bits you want to!

I am worried about you. You sounded down even on messenger last night. I know it's going to be tough to get you to go to the doc's but maybe give the SJW a try. At least then , like you said you can take it without explaining everything to everyone. It might help, it might not, but it's worth a go.

I'm not going to go on here (did enough of that last night) but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you. And please please do call if you need to. I am always here for you.

Take care x

Hi MoM, how are you feeling today? Sorry I cut short our chat last night. D was playing up and did so until 1 am I'm sorry I waffled on so much too Just ignore the bits you want to!

I am worried about you. You sounded down even on messenger last night. I know it's going to be tough to get you to go to the doc's but maybe give the SJW a try. At least then , like you said you can take it without explaining everything to everyone. It might help, it might not, but it's worth a go.

I'm not going to go on here (did enough of that last night) but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you. And please please do call if you need to. I am always here for you.

Take care x

Thank you for all posts.

yes by CPN i meant community psychiatric nurse. I was 16/17 and had attempted suicide and she was the follow up i had to go to after a different hospital psychiatrist said she didn;t "do" under 18s.

Thank you for the chat last night calebsmummy. Was awake till after 1 myself. DP out and then O was unsettled, then i thought we were being burgled. Think i will try and get to Dr at some point soon,got to be cheaper than St Johns Wort!Just need another couple of hours in the day so i have time!