a friend in desperate need

[mrsfossil]

a friend of mine is suffering from depression. I don't know her really well but she has talked to me and my best friend about her illness in the past. We thought she was getting better, but yesterday we found her crying outside the school gates, when we went to pick up the children. She has said she wants to "end it all" and feels her children don't love her. Her other half doesn't know what to do for the best and he is worn out with work and looking after her and the children. The family are at breaking point. She is on medication and has gone back to her gp today (don't know that outcome yet). Me and my friend have arranged to take this lady out tomorrow, but really we are terrified that she will do something to harm herself and don't know how to help her. I've text her today from work to tell her I'm thinking of her. What else can we do!!!!

Texting her saying you are thinking of her is a lovely thing to do.

What you can do: be there and listen.

What not to do: guilt trip her with reasons not to feel as she does or otherwise try to talk her out of it, as this isn't helpful. The best thing you can do is listen.

Yes I think a text just to say you are thinking of your friend was a good thing to do. Depression is a real torment and suicidal feelings are a very common symptom of depression. It isn't that we want to die, we just want an end to feeling so unbelievably awful. It's really difficult for anyone lucky enough not to have first hand experience of this to understand how bad it can be, because there are no broken limbs or barking cough etc.

It may be a good idea to go on the MIND website or Re-Think - they are both national organisations that offer support to people with mental illness. It may help your friend to know that 1 in 4 people will suffer from some kind of mental illness in their life, and approx. one third of GP consultations (more in the inner cities) are related to mental health issues.

You sound far too sensitive a person to say any of the awful things that people still say e.g. "pull yourself together" or "get a grip" "why are you depressed you've got a nice home, husband and kids" "oh cheer up - it can't be that bad" "you'll feel better when the sun shines" oh I could go on but I think you will see what I mean. The trouble is there is still a stigma attached to mental health issues and this makes it SO much harder for the sufferer to talk about it, and it's a deceitful illness - it makes some of us feel ashamed and guilty, thinking we should be able to do something to make ourselves better and of course this is simply not the case. We don't usually feel like that with a physical illness. Depression does manifest itself in different ways and of course no one knows how someone else's depression feels.

Hope your friend gets the help she needs from the GP - sometimes ADs take 2/3 weeks to take effect and sometimes you have to try one or two different ones as what suits one doesn't suit another. The best thing to do is just to support her - if she cries - tell her it's ok to cry and gently stroke her arm maybe. Could you take her kids for an hour or so, or do the school run for her. I know many mothers with depression simply dread the school gate. I'm fortunate really - my family are grown and I'm a grandmother - and my depression is intermittent but knocks me flat some days and I spend half the day crying. I have absolutely no idea how young moms manage - I suppose because they have to..........I can't cope with the cats at my worst!!

Hope that helps