Depressed DH

[mrsmalumbas]

Hi sorry I am not sure if this belongs here but I am not sure where to post. I was wondering if anyone else out there is living with a depressed person? My DH suffers from depression, he has done on and off for years. He has tried counselling which helped a bit with a specific problem and St Johns Wort which he doesn't think makes any difference. He does not want to go down the antidepressant route but I am beginning to think it would be worth considering. His depression comes and goes in cycles but there is no "manic" phase in between so we don't think it is a bipolar issue. I just find it so hard to live with - when he is depressed he withdraws completely from family life, does not talk, avoids eye contact, does not want to be intimate. He even waits until the kids have gone to school to have his breakfast so that he does not have to be with them (he works from home, which I think is actually not a good thing at the moment). In the past he has talked about suicide - right now he is not that bad but I can sense a big depressive episode looming. While I love him and want to help him there are times when I hate him when he is like this - it is like living with Jeckyll and Hyde and of course the two girls don't understand why Daddy is so distant from them (when not depressed he is a great Dad). I could go on and on but I won't - was basically looking for support from anyone else in the same boat. How to help him? And how to help stop myself being sucked into depression myself (it's kind of contagious!).

(((hugs)))) sorry no advice but im sure someone will be along i soon

My sympathy, I know how hard it can be and how it can be contagious,your dh sounds abit like my dh sometimes , and I know he is like that when he starts "thinking", he is very philosophical although he is a scientist. Up to now the only way I know to cope is to leave him in peace and still try and give the kids double attention mine and what they should be getting from dh, it is exhausting though, once a year I need a holiday where I can get my energy back.

He has to get past the obvious hang ups he has about AD's. I have suffered from depression and although I am a woman I have met many depressed men throughout my treatment. In my experience they feel that by taking AD's they are admitting to defeat. Men seem to feel that depression is simply a matter of feeble mindedness and that if they have enough will, courage, strength they will be able to defeat it without asking for help. By seeking out help they feel they are weak and useless - less masculine even. Have you been watching the Stephen Fry show about depression on BBC 2, Tuesdays at 9 or 10 I think. It might help your husband recognise that he is suffering from a real illness that needs treatment. You also need help babe - depression is as hard if not harder for relatives. To see the person you love suffer and feel so helpless is emotionally exhausting, god only knows what my husband would have done if I hadn't sought help.Don't give up, do not doubt that your insistance that he see a doctor is reasonable and the way forward. Hugs xxxxx

Hi, your situation sounds so similar to mine except that I decided I could like with it no longer so we at the moment we are not together.
It really is heartbreaking and very hard work.
I used to have to keep the kids away from him and try and keep them as quiet as possible when he was asleep (either in bed or on the sofa).
I never really knew who I was going to find when I got in from work. Sometimes he would be too happy and very amorous (if you know what I mean!!) and that would make me feel uncomfortable. Other times he would be sitting on the sofa staring into space and not even able to look at me. The kids couldn't work out what the hell was going on, sometimes he would be rolling around on the floor tickling them, then other times he would shout at them for the most ridiculous reason.
My XH eventually went onto antidepressants and was signed off work for months and months.
The final straw came when his drinking got out of hand and he was spending very precious money on blotting out his own personal pain at the cost of his family.
I actually don't believe that my XH tried to help himself very much and the only reason he went to the Doctors is because I wanted him to. In hindsight this is probably not a good reason because anyone in this position needs to be absolutely determined to get well - its a very long, hard, slog to get out of the deep pit of depression.
If it hadn't been for the children, I would probably still be with my XH but for their sakes I had to ask him to move out. My boys now know that they can play in their own house, can have friends round whenever they want and that their mummy is a constant and reliable source of love and comfort now that I am completely uninfluenced by a depressed or drunk partner.
I hope things improve for you and your husband but please don't pin all your hopes on anti-depressants - they are not always the answer.
Lindsey

Thanks for your comments - it's good to know I'm not alone. I actually do think DH is trying to help himself - he has stopped drinking, exercises regularly, and takes cod liver oil for the fatty acids. I think we both have doubts about the AD route but I must admit I do wonder if it is worth a try. In his less depressed moments he can talk quite objectively about his depression, he does recognise it in himself, but when in the throes of it, he finds it hard to recognise if that makes sense. Anyway, thanks for the input - and especially the comment about me needing support too, I must admit I find it hard to admit this or talk about to friends and I don't want to talk about him to family because it is his issue and it's personal IYKWIM. There's a certain pressure to put on a brave face and that can be hard.

Oh and Lindsey - hugs to you for your bravery in deciding to ask your XH to leave - that must have been very difficult but it sounds like it was the right choice for you and your children. I do have this as my "last resort" which I would opt for if things got really bad, it is something I have thought of before and I know how hard it is. You sound like a strong woman and a great Mum.

I am sorry if I gave the impression that AD's were the singular solution to your husbands depression. I just wanted to convey my belief that things can get better for you if you can get some help whether that be in the guise of councilling or nutritonal treatment. No family should have to go through this without professional help.The very fact that your hubby is trying to help himself out of his depression is surely a sign of tremendous courage and strength on his part.
I wanted to pass on some links for you that may help you on the nutritional front. I believe that fish oils really help and so I bought a book written by a Professor who has studied their effectiveness in treating depression extensively. Professor B.K. Puri has written a book called 'The Natural Way To Treat Depression' you can get it on Amazon. The fish oil he recommends taking is a very particular brand which he considers to be the most effective it is called VegEPA . He also recommends taking it in much larger quantities - 4 tablets in the morning and 4 in the evening.

Here is another link to The Brain Bio Centre . I haven't any personal experience of their treatment but thought it might be of interest to you if you wish to pursue the nutritional route further.Hope that's all helpful. Thoughts are with you and your family xxxxx

Hi JoJo not at all and I really appreciated your post. Thanks for these great links - will check them out. Interestingly DH seems to be much better these past few days - but there is always the threat of depression hanging over us, so I will be checking these out anyway. Thanks again.