I wish I'd never had children, everything is wrong!

[windchimes23]

I think I probably had PND after both my children. I had an unstable upbringing (adoption, abuse, alcoholism) and left it late to have children as I wanted to focus on my career. I'm a high achiever, great career, good husband, big house all the fucking amazing trappings of success.

I have a one year old and a two year old. I hate spending time with them, the clinginess, the constant demands. I am still working but my career has stalled, earning 2K less a month now due to being part time (cut my hours by four hours per week but lost my well paid overtime with that). I still do a 50 hour week including my commute (I used to do 80 hours). I can't imagine being a SAHM and we couldn't afford it anyway as we bought a nice house in a good area so the children would not have the crap upbringing we had in deprived areas. What a joke eh?

I have suicidal thoughts daily, I have no joy. Just the constant grind, I'm sitting here working from home today (and no I'm not working) and I can't even be bothered to load the dishwasher. I'd rather be dead if I'm honest. I'm fucked arent I - I stand next to the wall when getting the tube in case I (accidentally, whoops) jump?

Three generations of mothers who walked away from their families and children, it's not looking good is it? I'm scared of doctors, nurses and most of all AD's as I have a tendency to become manic and they may just push me over the edge that I'm clinging onto now. I called the GP to book DD2's mmr today and asked for an appointment but was told I'd have to go in and make one in person on the day, I can't even brush my teeth today, it just somehow all seems so complicated, how the hell am I meant to go to the surgery and deal with the rude receptionists?

I don't even know how I've managed to write this and I hope the hell my namechange has worked. Just venting thanks. I know I should just be thankful for what I have and give myself a kick up the arse.

You don't need a kick up the arse. You need to phone the gps back and explain you are very ill tight now and need help or steaight to a and e.

Ill right now

You sound like how I feel. Okay I don't earn as much etc and my upbringing was relatively good, but don't feel guilty for not enjoying your children. You love your children, right? But can't stand the fact they are well...really irritating, highly demanding and totally oblivious to anything bar what they want.
Children are selfish and irritating but as mothers we love them.
I can not stand being at home with my dd, I'd rather be at work and I earn £7.20 an hour so totally get where you're coming from.
Make sure you book that doc appointment, why do you have to go in to book an appointment? Useless.
Don't brush your teeth, just chuck some clothes on (unless your pjs could possible class as outdoor clothes?) and pop down for your child's MMR and get straight back home, keeping conversation with useless/rude receptionists to a minimum.
Everything's relevant, you can have "everything" in life and feel like you have nothing, your problems are very real to you and that's all that matters so don't feel bad for it.

Thank you for your kind words. I have had a long chat with DH tonight and have agreed to send my boss a fairly honest email tomorrow morning, he has convinced me that I am not malingering and perhaps need a little help and some down time. I am lucky to have his gentle opinion and care. I need to get this sorted out, my DH said that the woman he married isn't there anymore, just a shell a walking zombie. I have no idea why he has stood by me through this.

I shall self cert work this week and see my doctor. I need to get this done, it's just so hard to admit defeat when you've spent 40 years trying to put the past to bed, and it's still there hiding under the bed just waiting to crawl out at 3am and fuck with your head again.

Thanks again for your kind words this afternoon.

Did you get a doctors appointment

Thanks, I am seeing GP on Thursday. Have signed myself off work and am just keeping myself safe at home. Boss was pretty good about it, just said do what you have to and we're here for you. I need to see GP and then I can inform my private healthcare and receive a fast referral via them. I know I am lucky to have so much support and the means to get help. I just feel like such an utter shit because I have everything that one could wish for and there are people out there with no support and no help and here I am wallowing in my own stupid, pathetic self pity.

Hi glad signed off work and accessing private health options too.

Also if you can accept you have 2 under 2's and a highly demanding job with commute/long hours. I doubt every person would cope ok with that in reality.

Sometimes taking a leave of absence, changing things so can manage helps.

DW often has to remind surgery receptionists - are you medically qualified.

GP was fine, told her the truth, asked how long I'd been depressed, i said about 40 years. Thinks I'm having a major depressive episode, promised not to kill myself or to seek help if thoughts get to strong. Given citlopram for now but urgently referred to consultant psychiatrist who will probably want to change that. Now to sort out my private healthcare, at least I'm getting something back for all the money I've paid over the years.

Thanks for the supportive messages.

Well done for seeing GP and being upfront. Has taking that step helped even a tiny bit do you think?

I had seen your OP at the time but didn't get round to posting, I just wanted to say I feel for you as have been in a not dissimilar place. You will feel better in time, even though it may not feel like it at the moment.

Keep posting here if it helps.

It was a step forward, but I really do want to be dead. I could do it now, I don't think that you can be rational, fill in all manner of questionnaires - I put suicidal thoughts times three (squared) but only for a violent death, pills and gin would not hurt enough . I need a violent end, I need to prove my pain (self indulgent, narcissist bitch, useless waste if breath).

No one knows enough, I want a violent death, fast train, diamond knife, something really quick and horrible. I have a second floor balcony onto a paved drive but I'm not sure it would be enough.

So there it goes

Please dont think like this, your children might be hard work at the moment but they do grow up and become less needy and I am talking from experience. You have done amazingly well with the upbringing you had. Be kind to yourself and get help. x

Hang on in there and try to think some loving thoughts towards yourself. You sound like a lovely person. Is anyone with you? I'd advise call Samaritans to get you through xx

This was me three to four weeks ago. Yes I wanted to be dead, choosing which car to jump out on, knives and wrists crashing car... Now on stronger ads and I don't want to. It is still really hard and frustrating. It is slow but have faith that you will feel better. I have had to promise the doctor I wouldn't kill myself, or self harm... This is the depression. It is not your friend. It tells you insidious, nasty things. They are not true, it is the illness.

Please, please, please don't do it.

There will be good times ahead, be kind to yourself. Is there anyone who can help out with the children in the meantime?

Just wanted to add my support. I had three dc in 4 years. The first 2 only a year apart. Its hard to explain to people who have not experienced the sheer exhaustion. This in itself would be hard but by working the way you do and the depression you are feeling you are frankly amazing to be putting one foot in front of the other.

Well done for asking for help. Try to just take a day at a time and accept any help you can to help with the children so that you can focus on getting better.

I think those of us who are unfortunate enough to suffer severe depression should remember that suicidal thoughts are a very common symptom of depression. Everyone rushes to tell posters to go to A & E or see GP immediately when they post about suicidal thoughts. I'm not trying to diminish the danger because quite a high proportion of people with severe depression do end their life, though not always on the first attempt. It's just I think we need to remember it's a symptom of our illness. Once the big D has regressed a little and we can see chinks of light then the suicidal thoughts usually fade. I have spent afternoons sitting in my garden in the lovely summer sun and wondering which tree I could hang myself from. It's called suicide ideation and most of us who feel this way won't actually go on to end our life.

I do have enormous sympathy for young mothers struggling with childcare and depression. Thank god my kids are grown and I am a grandparent. I just think the care of young children is so tiring in itself and then to add in depression - well I salute anyone who is going through this..........mental illness is a bloody torment isn't it.

Samaritans is good to call if you just need to talk it out.
You do sound lovely and whatever your family history, you can choose to get professional help and get tests and treatment and be a mum to your children.

Yes, there are times when some mums do need to be admitted to hospital, and sometimes that is for MH reasons
I'm not saying that you would need to, just that there is no harm or shame in getting medical help, whether therapy, drugs, admission to hospital.

I agree with a lot of the advice on here. I have had a pretty odd week, I'm on a battalion of meds and seeing a psychiatrist again on Friday. I do not feel that a trip to a&e or an admission to hospital would help when I have so much support at home.

I have self harmed a couple of times in the last week. But gave explanation to DH about what I have done. I am being fully honest. No lying about feelings is good (no more secrets).

The meds are making me feel very dozy, but have stopped the suicidal thoughts but I am unable to drive as I am so sedated

I'm hoping the psych on Friday may be able to find something to level me out. In the meantime I am ensuring that the children are well looked after, well fed, bathed, read a bedtime story. Small steps just keeping them happy x