I need to get my life sorted out- how do I go about it?

[Anothernamechanger123]

At the moment my life is a mess, I'm existing rather than living a life. I have severe confidence, shyness and self esteem issues, problems with socialising, making conversation and knowing how to get on with people. I don't have any real friends, I've never had a relationship with anyone, I have some depression and I binge eat regularly.

This situation is seriously affecting my work to the point where I'm worried about keeping my job. I'm going to turn 40 in a few years and I want to make changes, I can't bear the thought that I have potentially 40-50 more years of this existence. In the past (years ago) I've seen a counsellor and been treated for depression by my gp, today I've decided that I want to try to sort myself out, but I could do with some advice.

I figure that I need some sort of therapy to help me work through the reasons why I am the way I am and to hopefully work out ways to help me cope with my life.

• What kind of therapy? I found that counselling didn't work for me (but maybe it was that particular counsellor that didn't work) I think I need someone who is actively going to help me rather than just reflective listening.

• How do I find someone reputable? Do I have to be referred through my gp?

• How much does it cost? (I know this might vary wildly depending on location, but a ball park figure) I'm happy to pay as I know what's available on the NHS is likely to be limited and I would rather put holiday/treat money towards getting myself sorted out, but I really don't have a clue how much an appointment might cost.

• am I likely to be able to find someone who offers evening appointments? I work 11 hour days and would rather not take time off work regularly, I want to keep this separate from work if at all possible.

Apologies for the long post, any help or advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

I wonder if you need a life coach type thing, rather than therapy? Someone who can help you work out how to make the changes rather than looking at why you find it hard.

Also could you just start making small changes now. You may find that is all it takes, just a small change, once a day/week month, depending on what you feel you can manage. If you do it in tiny stages, you may find it less daunting, and eventually find yourself where you want to be.

Well done for being so determined

I think you will be able to get evening appointments. I am not sure re cost - it probably depends on the qualifications of the person you see and your location. Outside London I would estimate a very ballpark figure of being £40 and £100 per session. I don't think you'll have to pay the upper end, just that I have seen that price.

I think your GP, or maybe somewhere like MIND, should be able to advise on what kind of therapist you could start off with. For private though, you can usually self refer. There are sites online where you can check someone is registered and qualified if you search with the type of qualification you're looking for.

I know exactly what you mean about reflective listening. I hope you find someone good, don't be afraid to try a few out. The main thing is perhaps to think about whether you want to look into the past and causes of problems, or to focus on practical ways to manage the problems without analysing the causes much. If the latter, CBT might be good. In an ideal world, if you could find someone who is qualified to do CBT but also something like cognitive analytical therapy, and is willing to incorporate both as needed, that could be good. If not, I would probably start with CBT and see how that goes.

Hi op. Well done to you for being ready to tackle things. I suggest a counsellor/ therapist would help initially to resolve underlying issues- check out the bacp site and use the advice there about someone right for you.
Have a look at Byron katies's website too - the work. Good luck!