I'm lost

[TheLostWinchesterWife]

It was DC3 birthday tea on Sunday. Everyone had a lovely time and there was lots of photos being taken. Then on Facebook my cousin had put a picture of me up on her wall. I look hideous. It looks as though my face flows directly into my chest. DH was diplomatic and said it wasn't a good photo but I'm so ugly. I avoid having my picture taken anyway as I hate the way I look and always have. This is the last straw. My comfort eating is killing me both emotionally and physically.
DH no longer fancies me. I repulse him. I've been down about my weight before and he tries to help in the way most men do...suggesting things like 'Go for a walk' 'Stop eating stuff' you know..really helpful. But i know that I annoy him by moaning but 'not being bothered' to do anything.
I'm so down now I want to hurt myself. I don't deserve to have my Dcs and my DH. They need someone who is able to look after them properly
DD1 isn't well and she overeats and I want to model good eating habits to her.
I wish I wasn't here.

The camera does lie, because it doesn't capture the reality of the way things move, and is so affected by angles. I've seen horrendous photos of people I know at events where I was present - and they never looked like that for a second to the human eye.

However, that obviously isn't the point here. You do deserve your family, and they love and need you. You are more than just your current dress size or weight. I think these feelings of low self worth are the reason for your comfort eating, as well as being made worse in consequence of it. They may be more to it than that, but that is a place to start.

You can turn this around. Do it for you, not for anyone else. Do it because you deserve to feel good. Have you thought about going to your GP? They are usually really keen to help with weight loss, and could hopefully refer you for some counselling to help you look at the underlying problems.

Ive been to the GP. They 'prescribed' the gym. I got 50p a session off of the full price but had to go between 11am and 12pm which unfortunately clashed with picking up DC3 from nursery. Nobody else available to pick her up.
My gallbladder is causing me pain (i think its that, never been diagnosed)
i cant sleep since i saw that picture. How can DH bear to be near me.

I think a little bit of cutting would help. i may try tonight when DCs are in bed.

Do you mean harming yourself? Please don't do that, it will make things worse. Try to turn that plan around now. What else can you do tonight that would actually be helpful? If you really feel the need to cut, try holding ice cubes in your hand for a while - you'll feel pain but won't be damaging yourself.

You should insist on more help from your GP. They can refer you to a nutritionist and/or counsellor, you might even benefit from medication to improve your mood if you choose it.

You don't need to go to the gym. In fact unless you restrict calorie intake doing some exercise won't really result in weight loss. Food is by far the biggest factor, although exercise is good to help with the diet, and can make you feel better. I have physical problems and have had to lose weight in the past while not doing any exercise, not even what you probably do every day just round the house and looking after your dc. What would they think of their mother hurting herself? What would you say if they wanted to hurt themselves?

You are loved and valued, whether you feel you deserve it or not. Your goal now is to learn to be nicer to yourself. I understand how hard it can be to overcome comfort eating - I struggle with it myself. All you can do is keep trying, the alternatives are no good. I think you can do this.

I don't actually know if you are overweight of course!

I hope someone who is more helpful than me comes along to advise.

I am very overweight. I am in short morbidly obese at a shade under 19 stone.
I do mean harming myself. I never cut for the pain it's the sight of the blood welling and flowing that calms me Down. My eldest DC already does this even though I have never done it in front of her (last time I did so she wasn't born.) Havent felt this bad in a long time.
I appreciate the time you have taken to reply.

I understand that it isn't about 'not being bothered', I hope your DH can understand it is a lot more complex than that. I think modelling good eating habits for your DD is a really good thing to aim for, but also even more importantly, modelling self worth. I know you can't just 'do' that, but that needs to be the goal too and will be key for both of you by the sounds of it. If you think about how much you value her, you want her to value herself that much too. You can only really teach her that by valuing yourself as you should.

That means that you decide you deserve to be healthy and feel good, that you deserve to succeed with weight loss. But you also decide that your intrinsic value is just as much now, before the weight loss begins, or without weight loss. If you think about DD, why do you want her to be a healthy weight? Presumably because you love and value her, and so want her to be happy and healthy. Not because she needs to lose the weight to be valued. Try to apply the same to yourself.

Your self worth needs to come first really. There might be some good self help books out there, but I also really think a counselling referral is a good idea. If you can afford any privately while on the waiting list then it would be worth a try till the NHS comes around, but if not online resources and self help books will help to tide you over.

You could also ask your GP about ADs - I know that some people find they cause weight gain but that can be counteracted if they help with mood and impulse control.

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/loseweight/Pages/WhataGPcando.aspx

Your GP might be able to refer to other doctors/dept that manage weight loss. There might be some good advice on the weight loss boards here.