feels like everything is going wrong for the right reason

[mouses]

none of this will make sense unless I sat and wrote an essay of my shite of a life! ive suffered what ive been told 'depression' since childhood - although I didn't know of it as a child only in the last 6yrs, but pretty much felt the same all my life. Ive told psych I think its BPD but all I hear is depressed and anxieties! take pills and talk to someone about how shit you life is?!
I feel like I was born cursed, that im paying for my pulse! ive pretty much struggled with everything that normal people breeze through? I cant make friends, I cant show affection, I hate everything unless its an animal which for I have an obsession of. I feel so alone but get anxious in a room full of people, I cant control my emotions, I go from feeling sad to rage in seconds.
I struggle with my ds's, they argue and hit each other constantly, trashing the house and I just don't have the energy to deal with them some days.

it just feels like my life was set up to fail from the beginning, I shouldn't of been able to have kids - or is this a cruel trick to be able to conceive but not love them? to meet a man but not want to be touched, hugged or be intimate?
to meet friends that cant keep up with someone who acts so weird they all run away! family who wouldn't know if they walked past me or my children?

I don't actually know what my purpose is?
ive told my ex p that I want him to take the ds's to france where he has loads of family. so that they can get a chance to be surrounded by loving family, lots of laughter and have people around on days like birthdays, Christmas etc..
instead of being alone, surrounded by tears and yelling. to save them from me and a life of nothing.

I keep telling dp to run and find someone who can offer far more than I can, how can he love me? I have nothing to give? we have dd together though he lives at his mums, part is to do with financial and the other is that we are complete opposite and clash somewhat.
it feels like I have to remove everyone from my life as I do nothing but bring them down. ive damaged my dc's childhood and they will end up like me. I feel so guilty.

sertraline is supposedly doing something as is counselling but I feel like this on a daily basis. its not living its just existing, exhausting and if I could just disappear without it damaging my dcs even more than I have already. I wouldn't be here!

it makes me feel bad knowing there are people worse off than me with dc's with behaviours worse than mine - and here I am moaning and self pitying over petty stuff! it took me an hour to write that above as I struggled to put how I felt into words. just feel completely lost with nowhere to go

mouses

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Guilt is natural when you feel your MH problems are affecting others, I have it too. But actually it is wrong - this isn't your fault and guilt just makes you feel worse. It sounds as though your family have been unsupportive and you feel unworthy of love, but you deserve love and should accept it.

How long have you been on the sertraline, and what dose? Do you yourself feel it is helping?

I don't think its doing anything, this is my 4th week on it. ive been on fluoxetine for 3yrs, doselupin for a month and quetiapine which didn't agree with me.

I cant accept love as I cant give it.

You love your children, that is clear from what you say. If you don't think the counselling is helpful you could ask what other therapies you can access, CBT maybe? I think the 4th week is too early to say with Sertraline, it can take several months and you may need to raise the dose (200mg is maximum). I think officially SSRIs are best assessed after 3 months on the appropriate dose (highest if others didn't work), although obviously you have to build up to that dose gradually. Also if something really doesn't agree with you they may not press on with trying it. But it sounds like Sertraline may be worth a bit more time trying.

I do love my children, but I feel I cant give them a good upbringing.
im willing to stick with the sertraline see how it goes. apparently the counsellor says it is cbt?? I feel numb most days so I don't know wether im coming or going.

Do you think your ex P gives you enough help with the childcare? Does he have the children some of the time?

he rents a room in a house so cant keep them over night. he has them every other sat / sun til after dinner. cant have them as often as he could

That doesn't sound like much load sharing from him. I would try to push that a bit, if you think the children are ok with him. Even if he just takes them out for a little bit or even comes round to help - if you're ok with that, it gives you a break. If he has any relatives who could help ask about that too. Not because the children should be with anyone else, I just mean to give you a break. The stress of being sole carer won't be helping with your feelings of irritation and exhaustion.

i wouldn't have him coming in to help, I cant stand him. wish I never had to see him again. he has been having them for dinner a couple of days a week.
he has no family here they are all in france. I wouldn't ask for their help anyway I had nothing but insults from his relatives while we were together.
I feel a failure cos im not the only single parent out there, I know it don't help having no one at all for support but I wish I was stronger.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I know there are lots of single parents, but it is difficult for everyone, let alone with mental health issues and with little family support. I hope your ex can get himself in a position to offer more support. I bet you're doing better than you think.

thanks for your kind words x