I really messed up and don't know how to fix it

[MessedUpMama]

I have been battling with depression for many years. I'm not on medication and for the most part manage it by just trying to keep busy. Today I had a breakdown. I admit I had been out with friends and had had a few drinks. I won't go into any detail but something just pushed me over the edge and I felt like giving up.
When I got home DD(5) was awake and heard me say some terrible things about considering ending it. She was petrified and has gone to stay with DSis for the night. I often feel like she is the only good thing I have and I feel sick at how scared I made her feel. I'm an idiot for not reining it in in front of her. I don't know how to fix this now. Even if I try to make things up to her, she has still heard me say what I did and won't forget that. I really don't know what to do.

Talk talk and talk some more. Reassure her with lots of cuddles and tell her you were "being silly" or just saying things in anger. That sometimes words are very powerful and they can help us deal with frustration etc. That when we are talking to ourselves in that way we don't mean what we say.

Importantly, you were not being silly and you must have felt bloody awful. Do go to your gp and talk about medication/counselling.

How do you feel this morning?

Thank you for your reply, sorry for taking so long to get back to you.

I had a talk with DP before going to pick up DD that morning and that seemed to help a lot. I also reassured DD in the same way that you suggested and I think it cleared things up a bit. Of course the issues are still there, I'm just trying to build up the courage to see the GP now!

Glad you are feeling a bit better. You sound like a good mum x