Not sure i want to do this...

[Katkins1]

I'm just not sure that I want to do this anymore. I'm getting over a psychotic episode, still have some psychosis, but every day is torture. I'm deeply depressed, my meds aren't working, it's horrendous. I'm a single mum to one dd,6. Everything is spiralling out of control and I just don't know what to do any more. Can't believe I'm even writing this, it doesn't feel like me.

Oh and I think a diagnosis can take time, they need to see if you have more psychotic episodes or if it is a one off type thing.

I was diagnosed with BPD by the consultant psychiatrist when I was an inpatient and then my OCD diagnosis came after I had seen my CPN for 6 months or so and she organised a review with the psychiatrist in the CMHT. After my psychotic episode they said it was stress induced and related to my BPD.

Sorry I keep talking about myself, I am so self involved, I am just trying to explain how things can work.

I did think my laptop was talking to me at times, but I also saw things like giant spiders, insects, I saw a dead body in the lounge on Saturday night, dancing pixies last week...I've even seen one of my voices in the bathroom mirror before now (and these are some of the milder things!) I sometimes think people are spies, too, or that I'm being constantly watched. One particular voice follows me around, and appears. He does things like blowing on me when I'm typing...I only really worry when I start feeling like I'm on fire. I can never tell where I am with it, because I have them intermittently, so it's difficult to know if something is starting again. In the past two weeks, I've had lots of really severe aches, sore throat and so on (all related to my depression), but for the last couple of days maybe just a sore throat sometimes, so that's something at least.

I'm so tired, and DD has just come in saying can't sleep- despite being put a rather long time ago.

See I wonder if those symptoms (which sound very distressing) would be helped with anti-psychotics.

As hard as it is you need to give yourself time to recover, because you will, it is just a slow process. I think it took me a good nine months to really understand how unwell I had been. For me when I was unwell it felt like a dream, weird things happened but it made sense.

I hope you get your DD back to bed easily.

I think they would be helped with anti psychtics, too. I was taking quitepine, but I didn't respond all that well to them, because I was so unwell.

What I find the most challenging is the fact that DD is here full time, and relies on me for everything: I feel as though I'm failing with that at the moment, too. It's just non-stop, from morning until I can get her to sleep, and by then I'm absolutely shattered.

It must be very hard with your DD. Does she go back to school soon?

I found the MIND website very helpful for information about anti-psychotics. I can honestly say that being on one has been sooo helpful for me, my brain just feels clearer. I hope they have the same impact for you.

Yes next Tuesday she's back to school. I think a bit of a break from her,at least in the daytimes, will give me a bit of space and time to get things done. I don't really go out and see friends much though. Probbably about the same as before- but I had University things to do in the daytime before, so I'll probbably need to find something to occupy me if I feel up to it.

Did it take you a long time to get the right anti psychotic? They keep telling me time will do it, and that I wasn't 'truly psychotic' , but I'm not convinced the assesment is right there. My exp is taking me to court for access next week too (he's a drinker), and I'm so worried. I've not even got any childcare.

I cross stitch which is a helpful distraction. I also colour in and do puzzles.

It was a bit of a saga with anti-psychotics.

As I started to become delusional I was prescribed a very low dose of quetiapine but it got all muddled in my head and became part of my delusion (I believed it was a sign for me to kill myself) and I wouldn't take it. I got sectioned and they put me on 50mg quetiapine and I had to take it because I was sectioned.

As soon as I was discharged I stopped taking it and my CPN got me prescribed risperidone which I started but it made me soooo sedated I hated it so I stopped taking it. My CPN then re-started me on it going up in 0.5 intervals until I got to 4mg. However, it stopped my periods and me and my DH hope to TTC very soon so after being on it for 6 months I just changed to aripriprazole which is so far, so good.

They were all alright in terms of side effects, the quetiapine and risperidone helped me to sleep at night and the aripriprazole has stopped me sleeping but otherwise taking them has been ok.

I was on 75mg of Quetiapine- but they stopped it when the most acute psychosis went away. I think I should have stayed on them, but all they did was sedate me enough to avoid a section, really.

It is definitely worth a try for them again. Would you take quetiapine again? I wish I had taken it when it was first prescribed for me so I could have avoided being sectioned!!

I have to go to bed so I can face work tomorrow but I hope you get some sleep tonight and have a peaceful day tomorrow. x

How are you today Katkins?

Hi fluffy, spoke to my CpN today, she was due to come out tommorow. She's going to ask the Doctor to review my medication-just as well really as my psychotic symptoms have upped.

Going to the GP in an hour, for another more long term sick note. I'll ask for some diapazem as well, that'll calm me down a bit I'm sure.

I am glad something is getting sort for you, good luck at the GP :)

Hey Katkins, what did the gp say?

Hi have name changed. He said wait for my cpn visit tommorow and then see what they say. I had quite a lot of psychosis today, my cpn was asking on the phone about my mum's illness. I think I might be building up to another episode, hopefully they can stop it this time ! He mainly checked that we were safe and said come and see me in a week for a longer term sick note.

Hi hope you can have a useful session with the cpn. Could you ask her to make you an appointment with the teams psychiatrist so you can meet them, discuss medication and talk about how you have been. You may have to wait for an appointment so worth asking. The cpn can talk quicker to a dr but can be useful for you to see one yourself.

Can you contact your social worker and chase up the family support yourself?

The cpn is already going to chat to the doctor for me, I told her I'd like to review my meds, she said she'll see. I requested anti physcotics, hopefully I can get one fairly soon, as I've already got sine early and quite serious signs of it coming back.

Fingers crossed it gets sorted for you soon katkins, you are doing so well. Also remember that one of the features of psychosis is not knowing that what you are seeing/thinking/feeling/hearing is real, the fact that you know that means that you still have insight which is great.

Yes I keep my insight, apart from the odd moment. Which means by and large I keep my capacity to make decisions. I wrote about it for my thesis, not knowing I was already there. My insight in the most acute stage saved me, though I've been struggling today.

Yes, having insight is very important and a great advantage.

Hope everyone is ok today/tomorrow! I have nothing useful to say, just saying hello .

Hope you are ok this morning Katkins.

Hi Fuffy, I'm OK thanks for asking. Just seen my Cpn and she did the self-managment talk blah blah blah (!). I kept explaining that I can feel myself slipping into psychosis, she said she will have a word with the Dr, but it might take time and there's no garuntee of medication, because they want to get it right. I was very insisient though, and still, for now, it's a bit of a 'no'.