Does this sound like there is something wrong with me?

[BertieBotts]

I have just made a list, at DH's suggestion, of all of the things I need to do urgently or should have done already. It has 31 items on it. 31 things I am carrying around, worrying about, putting off, that are weighing me down.

That doesn't count the little acronym I made for myself - SWEFT. It stands for the following:

Shower - did you shower today or yesterday? If not, do it.
Work - when are you next working and do you need to do anything to prepare for that? If so plan when you will do it.
Exercise - did you exercise in the last 2 days, if not, do it.
Food - have you eaten in the last 6 hours? If not, eat.
Teeth - have you brushed your teeth in the last 12 hours? If not, do them.

Typically when I remember this acronym, all of them are required. Which means it's too overwhelming.

This is just the basics. I haven't included in my 29 things stuff that I would like to do, stuff that needs doing but not yet, or things that I maybe want to find out more about before I decide whether to do.

I can't remember to do anything, because when I get something new to remember, it just gets lost in the list of the other 30~ things I should have done yesterday. I don't have the time or capacity to plan anything fun or even just relax because I'm stressing about all of this. I can't focus on any one piece of info so when I try to think about anything I have to do (e.g. if I was trying to make a plan of action) I think "well I have nothing to do" because all of it at once is too much.

DH was really shocked at the SWEFT thing and said maybe I should speak to a doctor about not being able to remember that basic stuff. I haven't shown him my list of things I'm overdue doing, for the same reason I don't tell anybody these things - partly I forget that other people don't have giant, not even to-do lists but should-have-already-done lists (ie, I assume it's so normal it's not worth commenting on) and then when I remember it's not normal, it's just embarrassing.

31 things! I deleted a couple because they didn't count and then remembered two more while I was posting, hence the two different numbers.

Have you always been this way inclined or is it recent?

What do you think the problem might be?

Sounds like you are really struggling Bertie. Have you been under a lot of stress?

Always. I'm 25 and the problem started to be noticeable when I was about 14 or 15 - when my mum stopped telling me when to do my homework and decided to let me sort it out for myself (fair enough!) pretty much my entire life everything I've ever been responsible for myself I've struggled with. If someone else is in charge and I just have to follow their directions (for every little thing), I'm fine, but if it involves any kind of planning and doing for myself it's haphazard, at best. And really, honestly, I've tried diaries, reminders on my phone, reminders on the computer, turning off the computer, sticky notes around the house, to-do lists, apps, counselling (ish - never for this in particular but have had counselling four times). None of them work for the simple fact that I forget to consult them, and I read reminders but then forget immediately that I have read it.

It's very very frustrating because of course it interferes with everything - work, parenting, housework, relationships, friendships, financial stuff, I can't move forward in anything because I have such a backlog of everything else. Additionally sometimes I will do something on my list (or scratch it off in favour of a better solution or because of new information which made me change my mind) but because the list is so long and held only in my head 99% of the time, I will forget that it's no longer on the list and end up doing it twice, or doing it unnecessarily when something else would be better.

There are times when I'm more on top of things but when I'm feeling down about it, it's even harder to do the things I'm supposed to do (most of the things I need to do involve making phone calls or appointments or sitting down at the computer with an intent to do something) and it all catches up again and again. That's when I try some miraculous new idea (which is just the old idea) and it doesn't work again.

I am sick of it and I don't want to be like this for my whole life.

I'm 26!! Gah clearly I'm just getting old before my time

Hi OP. Actually this sounds a little bit like OCD - obsessing over what 'needs' doing and using lists compulsively. I'm not a medic of course. I have been living with OCD for 20+ years so feel quite clued up about it however.

The main thing is that it appears to worry/bother you, which is a sign to go to the GP I think. OCD is diagnosed by the amount of time it takes/the amount of distress it causes, rather than the 'thing' itself. In other words if your list making was not bothering you at all and not interfering with life/relationships etc there wouldn't be an issue.

In my earliest days with OCD I would map out my day to the tiniest detail to try to stay in control, the anxiety was the problem and the list making was the compulsion to control the anxiety, if that makes sense.

Are the 30 odd things really that urgent though? Having 30+ items of equal importance is really going to be overwhelming for anyone.

I don't know if this helps but there are a bunch of things around the house that I want/need to do that require my OH to do some woodwork. He likes doing woodwork but when he goes into his shed he often forgets or finds something more interesting to do. He asked me for a list, but when I wrote everything out it was massive, so I went through it again and rated priority as high, medium or low. I now keep the master list, and we write the top 5 things on a small blackboard for him to refer to when he has the time or inclination. When one thing gets done, we add another item from the master list to the top 5. It's not something either of us get anxious about, but it helps to organise jobs to be done, certainly for him as things sometimes get lost when he keeps them in his head :)

Some of the top 5 aren't really that urgent, some are just small jobs I know he can do when he has a spare hour, and some are larger things that would take more time.

With regards to the anxiety, I really am no expert, but if you feel it is out of hand then you should ask for some help. I know it is easier said than done but if you put some time aside to clear a few jobs out of the way, the relief you would feel could spur you on a bit and make the next ones a bit easier?

You sound exactly like my DH. Only my DH doesn't seem to mind being this way most of the time.

I don't know what to suggest. I feel like a parent to my DH sometimes because I do all the organising for him. I book his haircuts and remind him to shower, stuff like that. He doesn't really take responsibility for anything, but he will do a specific task when asked (and I always make sure he does it immediately or he'll forget).

I have wondered if there is anything wrong with him, I've even asked him to get his hearing tested because he won't remember something I just told him 5 mins earlier and I began to wonder if he could actually hear me properly. He's also very clumsy.

DHs sister is very similar. Everyone suspects his mum is on the spectrum, but she's had quite a successful life. My DD has possible aspergers picked up by school.

I dont think my DH is aspergers or anything like that though.

He has many good things about him like excellent social skills, he's kind, empathetic, caring, witty, generous . Hes also very intelligent, he has a photographic memory for random facts, phone numbers, car registrations etc. He wins every pub quiz ever. He just can't remember to shower or brush his teeth.

We are all different but this sounds like anxiety to me OP which is v common and highly treatable. Your GP should be able to help.

BB this sounds like something, but not something serious. If you've always had it you're coping with it, and functioning very well.
I would talk to the GP, not because you're ill but because she/he might be able to shed light on it. Have you had any thoughts yourself, eg female ASD traits? That's a shot in the dark, nothing more.

Just to clarify, I don't make lists very often. Mostly these are all things that are just in my head that I vaguely know I'm supposed to do but haven't got round to doing yet. The list is often a moment of panic kind of thing.

I've made a plan for tomorrow which gets 13 of the items out of the way. These are those 13 items, just to give you an idea of what kind of thing they are.

Top up phone credit - ran out over a week ago. Meant to buy top up card in shop today but forgot.
Contact SIL with details of a flight so that it can get booked - this was discussed over a week ago and if left too long the cost will go up. (To be fair I kept misunderstanding that I was supposed to be doing this so I thought it was done).
Shower and wash hair for passport photos - I last showered 2 or 3 days ago
Hang up washing - was put in machine yesterday afternoon, removed today around lunchtime. Still not hung up.
Pay kindergarten - overdue since June
Get passport photos for health insurance card - funnily enough should have done this last October when I first got health insurance but was told to quite firmly by a doctor six weeks ago, because not having the card makes it harder for the practice.
Buy blu-tac - needed for about a week and a half
Buy dental floss - ran out 3 days ago. I really need to use this twice daily.
Phone health insurance - should have done in April when I became self employed
Phone doctor - only decided this today
Phone dentist - have not been for about 6 years :(
Find form for health insurance card - no idea but wouldn't be lost if I'd done it straight away
Talk to employer about 2 issues - since at least last week (but this one not a big deal that it's been left).

I'm not functioning very well, though. In my last house before I met DH I had SS involved with DS because I wasn't keeping on top of the housework and I used to take him to a morning playgroup because they served toast there and it was easier than giving him breakfast at home. I am not able to be very consistent with discipline (I'm better now but not totally) and it's caused behavioural issues. I have forgotten to go to work twice in the last three months (not for a long time before this, and only when it's been unusual shifts which were outside my usual pattern). My teeth are so bad that my breath stinks and DH is commenting on it and has asked me several times to visit a dentist. Every time I get the courage up to visit a doctor I spend one appointment telling them all of these things I've saved up since my last visit because I've put off making the call. I have cost us a lot of money several times, money which we literally don't have, that's also causing a strain on our relationship. I dropped out of university because I couldn't go to the exams (that definitely was anxiety related, I do get very anxious) and then forgot to go to the resits. I fucked up my college course because I couldn't get myself together to organise and do the work. In fact out of four attempts at education after leaving school I have only passed one of them, and that was a short, intense course where I had no choice but to get everything done on time because I had no time to procrastinate.

I did read the female ASD thread and identify with a lot of it, but something doesn't feel quite right (although really, really strong identifying with certain parts.) It sounds stupid but I read a description of the symptoms of ADHD-PI on wikipedia and every single one described my life as it has been up to this point.

I'm loathe to go and ask for medication or other treatment for anxiety, because it strikes me that it is reasonable to feel anxious and stressed when I am so shit things are so overdue. And I don't want to stop feeling stressed about them, because then I'd just never do them. What I want is to be able to think "Ah - I need to do X!" and then do X, not forget about it for six months and every now and again have moments of fleeting panic which I then forget about for another 3 months until it is so ridiculously urgent that I can't ignore it any more, and then I forget about it for a bit longer until it's too late and then I'm devastated and so angry at myself and it reinforces my belief that I am not good for anything and I am a total failure, which I know is not true - I have strengths and talents - it's just hard to see how that matters when I can't manage the very very basic things which underpin everything else.

Treatment for anxiety gets you out of the paralysing "worrying about" mode into the " feeling able to take action quite easily" mode ime

Ah okay, I hadn't thought about that. I just kept hearing stories about people saying "I still had a mountain of laundry and dishes and paperwork - I just didn't care any more". Plus I always thought that anxiety medication was supposed to help with unrealistic or unnecessary anxiety - like it probably would have helped me take my exam when I needed to.

I am willing to try pretty much anything at this point in time.

I think if you ask many people they would have a similar list to your 31 - if I wrote down all urgent or needing to do ( book MOT, food shop, return library books, post a birthday parcel, buy items for said parcel, pay a cheque into bank, sort new car insurance out ...). I see it as part of being an adult with responsibility, work and kids.

I guess the issue is if you feel you are coping. If you are not, what practical support would help? Would contacting a health visitor, medical person help? Would tablets help you deal with remembering and coping with day to day things? Do you need more support from family or friends? If that is not enough, that is when agencies like SS can provide extra support if it helps you - or other similar charities like home start etc.

SWEFT is a good idea ( sadly no time for exercise here so I would ignore that bit) if it reminds you to do basics. Whatever helps. I use HALT - am I hungry, angry, lonely, thirsty or tired - if so I halt.

Have you ever considered you might have dyspraxia?

Isn't dyspraxia related to physical co-ordination? (Not that I have much of that admittedly!)

Silver - practical support is fine, I mean like you say it's day to day adult stuff. I can't expect much more support and I don't think support would help unless I literally had someone standing over me coaching me all the time which I don't want. Talking to someone, tablets, I suppose this is what I'm asking. Is there a wonder drug that would help me to focus and remember things? If so I'd take it in a shot, I'm past the point of worrying about medicating myself away TBH. I just need to try something new.

Exercise doesn't seem as important/basic as the others I know, but when I was doing it before it really helped my mood, energy levels etc and I'd like to get back into the habit of it. Not for weight loss, just for general health.

It's possible to have more than one thing going on, and that can skew the picture a bit. But it's worth starting with a doctor, if only to give you an idea of who to see next. I'm thinking of a specialist who can diagnose and offer guidance.

It may well be that you have acute anxiety and something like female ASD or ADHD- PI as well, or some other thing or combination of things.

Your to do list is very typical of anyone's to do list, as is the fact that they're things you vaguely know you have to do but haven't got round to yet! The only exception is the reminder to wash hair and shower - that's the outlier.

You aren't anything like a total failure btw, BB, you come across as very intelligent and insightful. I'm under a NC here for my own reasons, but have seen your very helpful and valuable posts on MN.

Think about trying anxiety meds. They should make it easy to do stuff and not spend all your time worrying yet not taking action.Anxiety can be really crippling and debilitating. Once you have effective meds you will find it easy to exercise and easy to take other action to cope with your anxiety. Find a good GP and give it a go OP. Anxiety is very common, not your fault, and getting on top of it will transform your life

Hi Bertie, was thinking about you yesterday, hoped you managed to get a few jobs out of the way. How are you getting along?

Hi all, sorry I didn't come back. I'm okay and I managed to make a few phone calls on that day but now I'm stuck in the anxiety again and need to make two phone calls today - just two and I know I can speak English (I live in Germany so this is an issue!) and one is to a friend. The other is to health insurance which is so important - without that I can't sort the anxiety thing, I can't make a dentist appointment, I can't move forwards with TTC preparations.

I'm going to make myself a bullet point list of what I need to cover in each conversation because that has helped me in the past. I think you're right that it's the anxiety stopping me doing things straight away and then it becomes a huge issue which makes me more anxious rather than me forgetting stuff. I do forget stuff but I think I forget it because I'm anxious and avoiding it rather than getting on with it.

I can't help much with what could be wrong - others have suggested some very useful things above.
However, I think lots of us get anxious when we know we have a lot to do. I can worry if I have too much cleaning/admin etc to do. Sometimes I become a little anxious and then I usually get nothing done.
What I do is write a weekly chart - all planned out in advance. Sometimes extra things do get added, but once I get moving I achieve more, so often at the beginning of a week, I'll be doing stuff that I've written down for later in the week. It helps keep me motivated (as most of the jobs are not interesting) - and I feel pleased when I've completed the list. If I don't get something done, I don't worry, I cross it out and put it later in the week. But I try not to do that! The important thing is not to to write too much down for each day, and to do the urgent things first. Cleaning will always wait... paying the car insurance won't.

eg:
Monday:
Shower
Clean bathroom
Hoover lounge
Pay milkman
Pop to Tescos for blah, blah blah

Tuesday:
Shower
Dust/tidy bedroom
Change sheets (wash sheets, dry sheets and put away or back on bed)
Pay insurance
Book dentist

Like Silver says, I know if I made a list of all the things I need to do it would probably easily equal 30. The difference is that I don't panic/forget about them (well not always!). I also hate making phone calls and always make some bullet points around what I want to say and what I need to achieve from the call. I always find that as soon as I start doing it, it all of a sudden seems less overwhelming and then I can get more done. I've never needed to remind myself to shower etc though as per your SWEFT... Do you not feel able to implement a morning routine? For example I just get out of bed and into the shower, I dont consciously think about it IYKWIM?

It sounds like you are a very anxious person. Agree with a PP that if you get help with your anxiety, things will seem far less daunting.