How do I toughen up? And, I don't know... BE NORMAL!

[GrossMeister]

Once again I've got myself all in a tizz just hating my damn brain.

I am under a recent namechange BTW so if on the small chance you recognise me please don't say anything on this thread.

I'm not sure I'm capable of this 'holding down a job' lark. On the surface I appear like any other normal (if a little geeky) person but I'm NOT. I don't understand the subtleties of the working environment so I make mistakes. I can't understand people.

And then the second problem - when I get 'told off' for these mistakes, I can't handle it. I fall apart. Even when they are clear it's not a telling off, it's just letting me know 'how things are'.

Had such an event recently and it took so much effort NOT to burst into tears that I was totally exhausted physically by halfway through the shift. Basically we all had the opportunity to apply for a training thing. The sheet said to apply if you were interested, so I did, and got a place. Then I was taken to one side and told I should have asked my supervisor first. But it wasn't on the info sheet. Not mentioned at all. So, because I take things very literally and struggle with inferred meaning, it genuinely did not cross my mind. Now I did point out that it wasn't on the sheet but it seems I should have realised it's just 'the way things are'. And in hindsight it's glaringly obvious, so I'm kicking myself for not seeing what to any of my colleagues is common bloody sense.

I know this is really petty, but that's kind of my point. I make these stupid mistakes and then if I quite rightly get pulled up on them, I go to pieces. And when I'm not making mistakes, I'm worrying about making them. It is physically exhausting me too - it contributed to me becoming ill with ME/CFS. My work have put up with enough from me - I had a really rough time when I started the process for an ASD assessment (never completed because this was when I got ill), cried on them numerous times and just can't face making myself so vulnerable like that again so I keep it inside.

Argh, I just don't know. I love my job, I love my colleagues, it's safe and happy and predictable, but sometimes I think even this is too much for me and I should just lock myself away :(

It's not obvious unless it is there in black and white, so try not to worry.

You say you love your job and colleagues, it may help if you can write something positive about work and keep it in your pocket as a mantra.

It may sound draft (but it works for me) you can buy worry dolls you tell them your worries and put them under your pillow then while your asleep the dolls make them disappear. The process and visualisation I find it really helpful.

Did you say you have spoke. To occupational health it is important to have things noted down so your manager is aware and can support you.
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I see more of myself in this than I'd like to admit.

Especially falling apart at criticism.