Not coping at all - is this depression?

[CandieFlopz]

I've posted other threads about not being able to have a baby. We've been trying for 2 years and I had a miscarriage. I'm so sad about it all.

The last couple of months have been bad. The last two weeks have been horrendous especially the last few days.

I keep scratching my arms and banging heavy things on them. I just threw a mug at the wall. I can't stop crying. Well, I do stop... It's more like I'm always on the edge of tears that sometimes come out into sobs.

My husband is getting sick of me. All I do is talk about how much I hate people who have children and who don't appreciate what they've got. I've stopped caring about the house. It's a tip. We both used to tidy up but I can't be bothered any more.

I went out with friends at the weekend. I'm normally more cheerful when I'm with my friends because they take my mind of it but this weekend I disengaged early on and went into a terrible mood.

I can't be bothered to do any of my business work that needs doing.

I'm ruining my life and my relationships. I hate myself and my awful infertile body that has let me down. I don't want to kill myself but if the tests show I'll never have kids I will have to consider my purpose in the world. I always thought it was to work hard and have a happy house full of happy children. I don't think I would kill myself though. I want to get better and cope with the pain and the jealously of seeing my friends have what I want and not realise how lucky they are.

I'm seeing my GP today. What should I ask for? I had CBT once and it was very poor quality so I'm totally put off. Is this depression? Is it normal to feel so sad about this? I have no idea anymore. Should I have medication?

I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time. You sound like you are grieving and angry and lost and I didn't want to read and run. You need to be honest with your GP, you are doing the right thing going. I'm sure there will be more helpful answers soon.

Thank you. I'll tell my GP everything.

Thank you. I hope the GP has some quick working options. I don't want to feel like this any more.

Don't give up, please. I know you've heard all this before and will hate me for saying this, I tried for 2 years and had a mc and now have 3 DC. Lotsvof people go through this and end up with children, there is no reason why you can't be one of them. Are you having fertility investigations or treatments? would it make you feel better? (it made me feel better to try everything) And maybe some ant depressants while you're waiting? (I took St Johns wort which did help).

Thank you. Yes, we're having investigations and everything seems normal. That's the worst part because nothing can be fixed. I try to remain positive each month but come crashing down to earth when the inevitable happens. I actually have some St. John's wort in a drawer somewhere. Thanks for reminding me, I'll dig it out.

I've been there. you need to try and relax if you can as, in my experience, stress doesn't help conception. I also had acupuncture, even though I am not really much of a believer in alternative medicine, and I think that helped too - maybe just because the sessions were quite relaxing. I was at the point of trying anything. I seem to remember even making DP dunk his testicles in freezing cold water poor guy haha! in the end he gave up smoking and stopped drinking for 3 months and I got pregnant shortly after - sperm quality is a big factor in unexplained infertility IMO (and syress) - don't just assume it's your body that's the problem and don't beat yourself up.

I know its trite but I was where you are and bow have a 10y old. ivf has come on a long way even since my day. don't give up. and try and relax as much as you can x

Morning Candie how did it go at the doctors? How are you this morning?

Morning candie what you are feeling is normal, I have experienced infertility problems and believe me what you are feeling is natural. If you are older and ttc please insist they carry out all tests. I ran a support group for a while you are not alone there are so many others going through this. The infertility network uk is a pretty useful support too as is the fertility friends website

Of course it is normal to feel sad and angry about this. It must be really hard. I am not surprised you are depressed.

Do go to your gp and talk to them. You may benefit from antidepressants and or counselling. Maybe not cbt but just the opportunity to vent at someone impartial and consider your options.

Be wary of st johns wort. It interacts adversely with a lot of other medicines. Is practically impossible to get the right dose. Antidepressants work directly on the system that st John's wort affect. You cannot start ads for two weeks after taking st johns wort and it can have side effects.

Thanks again everyone. I have been referred for talking therapy but there is a waiting list. I have an initial assessment in September and will take it from there.

Now I have my period I've calmed down a bit. The last two days waiting for my period to begin were bad. I had to punish myself by scratching my arm every time I saw a pregnant woman or a woman with children. I wouldn't meet my friends in the pub after work because I saw a mother take her child in there. I couldn't bear to see it. I told my friends I felt ill.

I know this is not right. I know it makes me sound selfish and jealous and nasty. I think infertility is making me those things. I'm not proud of myself right now.

We are in the middle of all of the fertility tests. No issues so far. I wish there was an issue so we could fix it. My mind has raced to the worst outcome - that my eggs are too old and I'll never have my own child. I'm only 32 but maybe my body is prematurely old.

I'm glad you've been referred Candie I've put a link here which my GP have me last week which has some online help which I thought you might find helpful while you are waiting. www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/Self-help-therapies.aspx

All the waiting must be extremely hard. I'm glad you've come back and updated us with how you are.

No issues = good. It just means it hasn't happened YET. My mother was told she would never have a baby - she had me! When she was 35.

That doesn't of course help but please don't give up.

Am glad you have a referral for talking therapy and are feeling better. Could you punish yourself with exercise? Go for a run or whatever and really push yourself? I find it gives off the same endorphins as cutting (i used to self harm) its just more of a positive way of taking control.

I know of at least two couples who gave up on a baby and got a dog. Both conceived before the dogs reached their first year. I doubt that dogs have anything about them. Maybe it was because they relaxed. Maybe the nurturing stimulated hormones that lead to conception. Im not being trite ,i really think it made a difference. No way is s dog a surrogate child.

Thank you for the link, MrsMinton.

I think the scratching is too impulsive to swap for running at the moment. For example, if I'm on the train and someone with kids gets on I immediately scratch my arm and dig my nails in. I don't think I could save that feeling up until I get to the gym.

I had a dream that my cat was my actual baby. I kept the cat in a cot and walked it in a pram. Yikes.

My husband took his second sperm sample to the clinic this morning and I'm waiting to repeat some blood tests. They won't reveal if old eggs are the issue though. That would be a future test.

My friends have asked me to go out this weekend but I'm still feeling sorry for myself. I still want to hide in bed. I don't want to take my misery out with me. I also don't think I want to feel better if I can't have children because I don't think there is any point. My husband says this is part of being depressed and that I do really want to get better no matter what our future holds. I just feel so low about a life with children. Sorry for the mega-moan.

You moan as much as you like x there are lots of posts on here from people in the same boat as you. You will get lots of support x