I'm sorry this will be a long one (children willing)
I came off Prozac around 4 weeks ago and actually have been doing really well an still would be, only suddenly everyone is piling the pressure on again.
First of all, a trivial one, the children ahve started waking v. early again after being pretty good for a while, so the tiredness doesn't help.
Secondly, my sister and BIL are having troubles again and who do they both call...me. Now I am more than happy to help them out, but recently my BIL has been calling to tell me all about why my sister is how she is which is mainly to do with things from our childhood. Our parents were pretty rubbish, had 6 children, who they couldn't afford and couldn't give the time to. As the eldest girl, I was the 2nd mother as my mother just wasn't up to it. To be honest, we had a pretty horrible childhood. We weren't neglected as such, but we weren't cared for very well. It got better (I think) when I left home, for the younger ones, it seems the less children my mum had around the better.. oh i don't know, I am rambling.
Anyway, at around 11 years of age, my grandfather started to sexually abuse me, up until I was 16. Then at 23, my cousin (who is 5 yrs younger, as is my sister) made a statement to the police saying that he had abused her and then my sister said he had done it to her too. Long story, but he was convicted of some of the things he had done to me and subsequently hung himself.
At 20 I had our first baby, but he was still born at 30 weeks. Toatlly destroyed me, still hurts dreadfully nearly 14 years on.
DH's father also hung himself last year. A wonederful, wonderful man, but he had battled with depression and was Bi Polar for most of his adult life. Understandably, it has been a tough old year for us all, not least DH, but he doesn't talk about it.
Well, I say that, he just comes out with snippets, like the night before last. He drank loads (seems to be becoming a habit) flopped into bedwaking me, so asked him what was wrong. He said 'nothing, go to sleep' which of course I couldn't, so i got up. He followed, telling me to come to bed, when all wanted was a few minutes alone (rare with 3 children, 2 v.small and a husband who works away all week), but it was clear he wan't going to bed until I did, so I did. I asked him again and he pretty much shouted in my face ' What if he didn't mean to do it? What if he changed his mind! What if he grabbed the rope at the last minute!'
Obviously I don't have the answers to this, I do know that someone who is going to commit suicide, they will be determined to. DFIL was very ill at the time (the 7/7 bombings set off his depression at the the time) and either couldn't bear to go on, or wasn't thinking about what he was doing. But saying this to DH the other night wans't the right time to do so. I held him, but flet i didn't know what else to do.
Yesterday morning, he pretty much blanked me before going to work. I texted him and apologised (for what I don't know. For getting a bit cross that he was up on his PC while I had 2 whinging children harrassing me while cooking dinner..afre he had spent the weekend playing with motorbikes with his friend) but I didn't recieve a reply.
Then ;ast night he called the house phone at 12.30 waking me, so I called him back. He was totally drunk and didn't make a lot of sense but told me he was calling so I wouldn't worry.
Now he had an affair for 6 months which finished 2 years ago, so I gather he was calling to say not to worry he was alone!!!???!! I don't know. Soooo, there was me awake most of the night, boys up at 5.30.
OK, yes I do have my moments of weakness, hoping and praying he isn't doing anything untoward, but isn't that normal? Not many moments now, I must say, but it is still lingering. Understandably I think. But this wasn't an issue at all this week.
He has just called to apologise for missing my call. He called here, I called him back, but he doesn't remember which scares me. He has a really good career, is a clever man, normally is a pretty compassionate, considerate man, but I'm struggling now, really struggling.
I don't know what to do. I have to cope on my own with 3 boys all week, which normally apart form the tiredness isn't a problem. I do most stuff at the weekend, while he does what he wants to do, ie this weekend he is off to a Martial arts course for the weekend and then he is off bike racing Monday/Tuesday. I haven't complained about these things at all and most of the time don't want to. He does work very hard to provide for us.
I can't tlak to my RL friends about this (although I do know some of you are reading this and for that I am sorry) I just don't waht to offload onto everyone. I have avery good RL friend who is what I call my voice of reason and who is also a long term friend of DH, but she is 2 hours away.
I'm scared.
Sorry for the ramble, n=but it does help to get it all otu.