Feeling numb and weepy. And crap.

[treaclesoda]

I've been on mumsnet for years but I don't think I've posted on the mental health boards before. Because I've been trying to convince myself that all is fine.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I've been on medication for years and I have no intention of trying to stop it, because everything turns to crap when I do.

But I've felt so great for quite a while now, probably a couple of years. I don't think I had shed a tear about anything. In fact just a couple of weeks ago I was actually thinking to myself 'I can't imagine any more what it felt like to feel down. I can't imagine anything that could get me down, even if something awful happened, I wouldn't let it get me down.' I had bags of energy, I was full of plans to change my life, to go back to work (am a sahm), even though it's not really practical to do so.

About ten days ago, everything fell apart. I stopped sleeping. My appetite is crap. I'm struggling to get up, to eat, to function. I'm irritable with my children. All day I'm fighting to hold back the tears. I feel numb. Totally numb. My children are confused and upset, and I feel bad for my dh.

How has this happened? What the hell is wrong here?

Sounds like a relapse-no rhyme or reason to them, unfortunately. Go to gp -you might need to increase dose or change ad.

Oh dear, I don't know what's triggered this but didn't

want to read and run. Do you have a mental health contact person, even one from a few years ago? If so I would ring in the morning.

This probably sounds silly but have you picked up a bug or anything? Sometimes physical illness can spark ofe something in the mind.

Oh love, you've become unwell, that's what's happened. Just like getting a chest infection or something. Have you been to your gp?

We've spoken before on other boards, treacle. Sorry to hear you feel so bad. I agree with Haggis, go and see your GP. But in the meantime, here's a hand to hold.

I'm a bit afraid to go to the doctor I think. Not him personally, he is very good, it's just that I want to go back to work and I hate the thought of having recent 'mental health issues' on my medical records, employers are so intrusive these days wanting to know your entire medical history. I've been stable for quite a while and thought that it was all behind me.

I have to go, don't I?

I get so angry with this illness, I want it to just piss off and leave me alone. Much like anyone with any illness I suppose. But I feel guilty for having this particular illness, like if I could just try harder I wouldn't have it. Even though in my heart I know that's nonsense.

No, you're right, that's me too. I've been avoiding people because I know I'm quiet and can't be bothered talking, and I'm scared people will think I'm being moody or horrible to them, so it's easier to avoid them.

I try and think if the positives to suffering a mental illness-it makes me a lot more empathetic than people who have never suffered. And I do think there is a (very unscientific and unverified!) link between increased creativity and mental illness. I know this won't help you feel better, but try not to think about your medical records-employers can't ask for them before they offer you a job. There has to be a good reason for them to want to look at them.

I know it's really really hard, but as po has said, try not to avoid people. Try and force yourself to get up and out everyday and keep in touch with people. It will be one thing that can help you get better or at least stop you getting worse.

I know it's so hard.

Since you've been feeling good have you reduced your meds? If so, you may have just come down a little too far and need to readjust again. This happened to me a couple of times (am on long-term ads), now I make sure that however good I'm feeling I mustn't tinker too much with my medication. Hope you feel better soon x