How do you distinguish between low level depression/anxiety and just your reaction to life?

[SunnyUpNorth]

I'm new to this section of mumsnet and am completely uneducated about mental health issues, so apologies if I make any faux pas's.

I don't really know where to start, but in general I just feel a bit odd at the moment and not really me anymore.

I have two young children - a dd who is 3.5 and a ds who is 18 months.

I have always had a tendency to get anxious about things but it used to be about big things like if I changed jobs etc and then once I was settled I would be ok again. I now often worry about little things, have a nervous feeling quite often but can't always pinpoint why, get really worried about things that are actually pretty insignificant.

I do find that I get snappy with my kids, or that I can react in a really OTT way to something they do. I have always put this down to the fact that I am a SAHM to two young kids with little respite from it. DH travels a lot with work, my parents are nearby but can't help out much. We therefore don't have much of a social life anymore, I don't get a chance to go to exercise classes etc which I used to enjoy.

I read an article yesterday about low level depression in mothers which arises 3-4 years after having kids. I remember being so happy when dd was little, I really felt life was perfect. I now hardly ever actually feel happy. I don't always feel low, but I feel like things are either fine or stressful but never actually good. I don't look forward to things but then that is because with young kids too many things have been jeopardised by them or spoilt by illness, teething etc.

We are very lucky, have a lovely house, no money worries etc so I really have nothing to be depressed or worried about. When I do feel low I feel guilty that I feel like that when I have no reason too.

I am definitely much, much worse just before my period. But what I am wondering is how you know it something is actually wrong or if it is just a reaction to the grind of life with young children? I do often feel suffocated by the relentlessness of it all, but how do I know if this is actually an illness problem or just the way things are til the children get a bit bigger?

They are really, really good and lovely but I often feel I am wasting their baby days by looking forward to them getting bigger.

Sorry for the rambling, any advice would be gratefully received.

Hi there, Have you tried doing an online depression test and see what sort of score you get? Also, maybe try googling something about how depression feels and see how much resonates with you. It's hard to say from your post whether you are suffering from depression/anxiety. My experience is similar in that I felt/feel some of the feelings generated by parenting small children are a bit like those caused by anxiety/depression.

Eg, do you ever have thoughts about wishing you die in your sleep or have an accident on purpose just to get a break. (I had both these when I had depression).

I'm not sure if I am depressed again now, I am going to see how the next month goes. I would be really interested in reading the article you mention as that timing fits with my problems, could you link to it or tell me where you read it? Thanks so much and I wish you well.

One more thing- if you can possibly find a way to start the exercise class you enjoy, or generally find more me time and treat yourself well (eating super healthy too, maybe some relaxation exercise/meditation) you may well find your mood lifts. I believe it has been proven that those sorts of things work better than anti depressants for mild depression/anxiety. Good luck

Your line "not really me anymore" means to me you need help and support. Feeling guilty I can relate to that. You say no money worries I'd employ a mother's help or somebody similar e.g. my babysitter helps me occasionally during the day. I also have counselling / therapy which started initially with the NHS and I feel much better for it.
I have a sneaky suspicion for me anyway, depression natural conclusion to SAHM two young children.
I was the same enjoyed first baby DD now 3 and my then with my DS now 2 it got so I couldn't leave the house.
I'd say act now, we're not mental health care professionals are we? Speak to GP and ask for assessment. Brave to speak out, don't be daft like I was and keep it bottled up. Extra help and support has varying steps and degrees to it. You can enjoy your children more. For me this definitely meant spending time away from them!

Hi doodlemum, thanks for answering and sorry to hear you're experiencing some similar feelings too.

This is the article I mentioned. I just re-read it and it does make sense but I still don't know how you're supposed to figure out whether you're stuck in the mud or need more help as it suggests.

I feel like if I did try to talk to a GP or someone the eat suggestions would be to look at diet, sleep and exercise which is why I haven't really done anything about it as I know I should address those things but it's easier said than done. I do eat well and don't drink much alcohol, but I don't get night after night of 8 hours sleep - usually manage 7 if I'm lucky now ds has started sleeping through. But with DH's travel and work it is hard to get exercise in. I did start a Pilates class which was great when I could get to it but then it got cancelled due to low attendance grrr!

I will look up some symptoms of depression and anxiety and a questionnaire. Seems a good place to start.

I don't fantasise about dying or harming myself but I do often think it would be nice to be in hospital for a break. I was really excited last year when I had a wisdom tooth out and had an hour to myself at the dentists, that's quite sad really isn't it.

I started ds in nursery one day a week about a month ago and dd is now at preschool, although on school hols at the mo. When she goes back to preschool she will do a full day the same day as ds is at nursery so I will have a break then. But typically on the 3 days so far that I've had that I spent the whole day trying to get stuff done that's on my back log 'to do' list and kept getting really anxious that I wasn't using it to relax and then getting anxious that I wasn't getting stuff done if I tried to relax. I just couldn't relax at all. Hopefully that will improve as I get used to it and stop feeling guilty for putting ds in nursery (even though he loves it).

Thanks again and good luck to you.

Crossed posts with you Brices. You are probably right about needing more time to myself/away from the children. I def have some irrational issues with feeling guilty about using childcare when I am a SAHM.

With dh having a high pressure, long hour job I don't really feel like I could get a job as I think it would just add to my anxiety with juggling it all. But as I am a SAHM I feel like it is my 'job' to mind my own children and that if I am employing childcare I should then be working. I suppose I worry that if I am not working and putting my children in childcare people will think badly of me.

My plan when I put ds in nursery was to do an exercise class that day and then put him in the fun crèche for an hour on another day and do a swim or a class. I've managed that a few times but most of the time stuff has come up and I haven't had the time. I do need to start prioritising myself.

I just did a depression quiz and got a v low score so I don't think I am actually depressed I think I am probably more a bit trapped and worn down in my current lifestyle.

I really want to find a way to enjoy my little ones more while they're so young. Every time they play I see it as another thing for me to tidy up instead of just fun. I need to somehow loosen up on that.

Sorry Brices, would you mind explaining a bit more about the therapy? That might be something that would be quite helpful to me.

Please do start prioritising yourself as how you are feeling/your lifestyle could possibly (in no way definitely) be a slippery slope to actual depression or anxiety. Prevention better than cure and all that.

If you ever feel guilty about putting yourself first, remember that you need to be well and fairly happy in order to give your best to your children, so in doing things that are good for your well being, they will get the benefit too!

The GP referred me for counselling and I had 7 weeks. It was really helpful she used models with me such as The Orchestra, so I am the conductor (proms is on tv at mo, brings to mind!) and certain sections of the orchestra (different aspects of ourselves) sometimes compete. So I would have a part of me which just wanted to sleep all the time, another part of me berated myself, your children are healthy, your lucky and your letting them down. Another part would be angry with them, look at the drudgery my life has become. So... I needed to bring awareness to these different aspects of my personality and achieve balance by choosing which "section of the orchestra" was going to dominate. So my conscious choice.
I felt I gained permission to feel emotions I felt were not appropriate for a loving mother to feel.

Can't do a lot in just 7 weeks but I did feel a lot better. I then went 5 months without talking therapy and picked up on the warning signs and I would use your phrase, I didn't feel like myself, real struggle to get through my day. I think a lot of healthcare is like this, how does "the complaint" compare to how it normally feels?
Anyway I then went private with same therapist, predominantly psychosynthesis, but does use CBT. Have been going about 10 months regularly every week and feel SO much better. Some of the deeper issues (how I was parented) can take a while to be examined and it does take courage, but if you can find the right therapist I think the majority of us would benefit.

The irony is the more you prioritise yourself, the better care you will provide your children.

Great advice, thanks both. That therapist sounds really great Brices. I think I worry (another excuse!) that I wouldn't like the person if I got referred. If nothing else it is an hour of time for yourself each week.

I have great parents but did have a very strict upbringing and I constantly struggle with trying to enforce discipline. I'm conflicted between how I was raised (which is all I know) and how things seem more gentle these days. I try to read parenting sites to make myself more mindful of how I react to their behaviour, how to discipline etc but I slip between the two worlds and it is confusing for me and probably for the kids.

I am hoping I will be able to perhaps have some counselling and make more time for myself. I know the whole family will benefit from me being happier, which was the motivation for putting ds in nursery, but it takes time to claw that time back for myself.

Thanks again both.

I have felt like this a lot lately, have 3 DC 2,4 & 6..
I had a night out, in another town and slept at a friends house. I felt so amazing from that one little break and my patience was great when I got back.
I even saw my dh in a new light..
I have come to the conclusion that time for yourself is an absolute must, not a luxury but a life saver.
I'd say do anything you can to get some regular time away and see how you feel then x

Time out from being mummy 24/7 helped me enormously. It had to be proper time out, not used for any domestic duty.
Going to the gym or running was a double boost, it was time alone and I felt great afterwards.

My sister had 3 kids under 4. They're all teens now but I distinctly remember looking at her when they were small and seeing that she wasn't happy.
Years later I had a baby and realised why! It's very very hard work being at home all day with small children. She's like a different person now her children are older.

I'd also say give yourself a break, be kind to yourself. You're doing a tough job and doing it very well. Don't put any pressure on yourself to parent perfectly, none of us do.

No none of us do parent perfectly! So agree.
Dorothy Rowe states if we were parented as to our ideal "perfect parent" we would still be clutching the apron strings. By being only human, good enough parents we allow our children to grow up and eventually leave us and be independent.
I like the idea that we need to accept we cannot parent perfectly and crucially it is essential that we could not be the perfect parent. They need to grow and learn what it is to be human and part of how they do that is by being parented by a mistake making loving carer.
A perfect parent would keep them forever a child.

Just wanted to add a little about anxiety - I would suggest anxiety is a problem if it interferes with your normal daily activities.

So for me, I knew I had a problem when my 'usual' parking space at work was occupied, and I drive aroundfor half an hour unable to park in other empty spaces i didn't feel were 'safe'. I knew it was not normal, but couldn't stop anywhere (anxiety with a bit of ocd thrown in for flavour)

When I had cbt it was so helpful. One tactic I found really useful was to cross-examine myself. Eg what would really happen if I parked somewhere else? My body was panicking but my logical side knew nothing would really happen, I just needed to allow myself the time to 'explain' it calmly to myself. And celebrate the little victories when you do things well without anxiety.

It is sometimes revealing if you consider why things might make you anxious. Eg why was I scared of car related accidents etc but not gas leak explosions - both possible, but only one bothered me, why?

Anyway I hope that is helpful to consider. There are some online cbt resources (mood gym is one) you might like to try.

Thanks for the further replies, I did read them but didn't have a chance to reply.

I do often do that thing where I talk to myself (inside my head!) about what the worst that could happen would be and I can sometimes rationalise myself.

I think I probably have some mild anxiety combined with the relentless nature of being a SAHM.

I've looked up some counsellers in my area that do cbt. Would a gp refer you even if you don't actually have depression or very bad anxiety?

I think it depends on the gp. I once told my gp I felt suicidal and she told me to come back in 2 weeks
Of course I didn't go back and carried on being depressed until I saw a different gp and cried about something insignificant. She asked if I was ok and noticed I had come in 3 months earlier and mentioned feeling down. She then prescribed ADs and referred me for counselling. Was a bit of a wait for counselling.
Just tell them how you feel.